Filter THIS!

I'm just going to apologize right now for when I'm 85 and unfiltered. I want to promise that I will never space, lose, or reject the essential filtering mechanism which prevents us civilized people from saying exactly what we think at the precise moment we're thinking it. See, when those mental strainers are rusty, elderly folks are prone to talking smack about everyone within a 50-foot radius, whether they can see them or not. For example . . .

A working filter should stop this thought from escaping to the mouth:

Michelle "Bombshell" Whatever, your gaudy, over-the-top tatts and disgusting Nazi photos make you worthy of throw-back, throw down, and throw-the-hell-up. You disgust me.

But what would come out instead is:

Nobody's buying that you didn't know he was still married, darlin'.

Or, a working filter should stop this thought from escaping to the mouth:

Jesse, letting your so-not-worth-it kit and caboodle rev out with Ms. Not-All-That Poontang ties you for the year's biggest douchebag, right along with John "Not My Child" Edwards and Tiger "I'd Like to Tee-off in Your Rough" Woods. Pardon me while I throw up.

But what would come out instead is:

Dude, you thought she was better than your wife, Sandra "America's Sweetheart" Bullock? Really?

No, my primo filters would never allow me to say blunt or rude stuff out loud at my young age, no matter how fabulous it would feel. But maybe when I'm 85, the mental sieves will have disintegrated. I totally hope I'm as civilized at 85 as I am now. But I kinda doubt it.
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