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November 7, 2011

Vagina Vagina

Thanks to Hilary at The Smitten Image
for selecting this a Post of the Week. 
Click the link above and go check out
her gorgeous photography!
I am sitting on the couch in my GYN's office and we are discussing lady infections, or as I like to call them, infuctions. Doc has on his white lab coat and sits across from me with one leg over the other, speaking nonchalantly yet with some formality about vaginas and sexual intercourse and the flora that naturally exist in there but which get out of balance from time to time. Then Doc says with a complete straight face that one of the infections we women get is not an infection at all, but a colonization.

"A colonization?" I say. "Bwaaaahahahaha!"

Doc stops mid-sentence and stares at me.

I say, "Bwaaaahahahaha!" again, like a fifth grader, and then I add, "Bwaaaahahahaha! Seriously, Doc, that is so a blog post."

*crickets*

Well, come on. A colonization? In my vagina?

I can only imagine thousands of battle-weary farmer Johns, storming the valley with long-barreled muskets to sack Fort Hoohah. The unsuspecting natives are overrun 13 ways to Sunday and sent packing with just their loincloths, and suddenly Captain Flora's plucky pioneers have infiltrated the countryside, erecting little log cabins and rowing and hoeing a flourishing cotton crop. Say, how many settlers you think can fit into one vagina anyway, pilgrim?

Naturally, the first thing I did was Skype my eldest daughter, TG. She's not too old for her mama to explain the birds and the florabees. So what if she's had three kids? I've had four, and colonization is news to me. I must prepare her.

TG: Mom, you're talking about your vagina?

Me: Yes. And the flora.

TG: I don't want to talk about your vagina, or . . . that other thing.

Me: Flora. Not just my vagina, but yours too. And your sisters'. All women's vaginas. And the flora that's already in there but gets all crazy and greedy and starts land grubbing—

TG: Mom! You're talking about vaginas.

Me: Well, only cuz you have one. And I have one.

TG: Mom.

Me: What? You just don't like the word. Vagina, vagina, vagina.

TG: Mom.

Me: What?

TG: No.

Criminy. Who doesn't want to be forewarned, The flora are coming! The flora are coming!?

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53 comments:

  1. SojournessNovember 6, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. OmaLindasOldeBaggsandStuftShirtsNovember 6, 2011 at 9:20 AM

    It takes alot for me to literally gaffaw and spew coffee.....but to you my dear and this way funny post....yes ma'am. You made me spew. Love it. Oma Linda

    ReplyDelete
  3. lisahgoldenNovember 6, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    You're a good mama to share the info. And a good friend, too.

    Should we be erecting barricades?

    ReplyDelete
  4. GaelynNovember 6, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    I'm not ready for a vagina war. Or do they want to Occupy? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. meleah rebeccahNovember 6, 2011 at 11:06 AM

    AhahahahHHAHAHHAhaHHAhahHAhaHH! OMG. This is way too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Irish GumboNovember 6, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    I've spent a great portion of my life trying to get into Fort Hoohah...and I could have colonized it instead? So not fair. (snort)

    ReplyDelete
  7. AngeNovember 6, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    I am proud to say that I can talk openly about vaginas with my mother.

    ReplyDelete
  8. macNovember 6, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    At least your daughter has had a lifetim to be prepared. The poor doctor had no clue who he was dealing with.

    If you have any more of these type experiences in the future, please, tell all about them. They are hilarious :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Blog of BeeNovember 6, 2011 at 12:16 PM

    Absolutely hilarious and very much like something I'd write about in my 'Our House' series! My single daughter would react in much the same way ad yours - as though she doesn't have a vagina and if she does, talking about it is off limits!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brian MillerNovember 6, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    i may be scarred for life now...envisioning red coats with bayonets....

    ReplyDelete
  11. Linda MedranoNovember 6, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    All I can say is that if he had said "infestation" I would really be worried. Vagina is such a liberating word isn't it? I think I'll go use it to some of my neighbors. Especially the religious ones.

    ReplyDelete
  12. XLMICNovember 6, 2011 at 1:24 PM

    Next thing you know those floral colonists will want independence…

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 1:37 PM

    Then you guys cum in and carpet bomb and napalm the colonists and the war just never ends.

    ReplyDelete
  14. JuliNovember 6, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    No sex, no more invasions. Magic!

    ReplyDelete
  15. LizNovember 6, 2011 at 2:07 PM

    There is nothing better than having discussions about your V-jay,jay with a man... even if he is a doctor.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Red ShoesNovember 6, 2011 at 3:16 PM

    Sooo....

    What comes first?

    A colonization or a settlement??

    Maybe even an incursion???

    Maybe even a foray before the incursion??

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  17. UnknownNovember 6, 2011 at 3:31 PM

    OMG! You are a total whack job! I am laughing so hard right now, my sides are aching! Thanks for making my day!

    ReplyDelete
  18. HilaryNovember 6, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    Rolling on the flora laughing. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  19. bernthisNovember 6, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    If you need me I'll be out in the garden planting vulvas.

    ReplyDelete
  20. daisyfaeNovember 6, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    Imperialist Yeasty Pig-Dogs! You cannot colonize MY vagina! i will make it a hostile environment! i will.... ummm.... i will...

    ok. i guess you can colonize it. just be sure to clean it up when you leave, ok?

    ReplyDelete
  21. atexasgirlNovember 6, 2011 at 6:15 PM

    Did they come over on the Mayflora?

    ReplyDelete
  22. PatNovember 6, 2011 at 10:31 PM

    Oh my gosh, between your post AND the comments, I'm dieing here! FUNNY!

    ReplyDelete
  23. SueannNovember 7, 2011 at 5:11 AM

    Ha! So the flora are coming!!?? Is it an invasion or a friendly takeover? Just saying..!!
    Ha!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

    ReplyDelete
  24. BrettheadNovember 7, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    Normally on Monday mornings I like to read the sports section of the newspaper to catch up what happened in the NFL. But today was much more interesting reading about your vagina and all the great moments in history that took place there.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Expat From HellNovember 7, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant post. Damn, you are one funny lady! I can't get Fort Hoohah out of my mind. All I can think of is some sort of F Troop trying to protect the outpost. Wonder what F stands for? You are the standard by which all blogs are judged, my dear. EFH

    ReplyDelete
  26. CarolynNovember 7, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    It's been waaaaay too long since I've read one of your posts -- thank you for sending and for the chuckle. Maybe I'll forward to MY daughter!

    ReplyDelete
  27. secret agent womanNovember 7, 2011 at 6:50 PM

    You know what this post did for me? Make me remember why I only see female GYNs.

    ReplyDelete
  28. MikeNovember 7, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    I couldn't even comment on this without getting in trouble! hehe

    ReplyDelete
  29. JoeinVegasNovember 7, 2011 at 7:38 PM

    Um, so many possible comments here. Most of the appropriate ones have already been made.

    ReplyDelete
  30. PearlNovember 7, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    Well that explains flourishing arms trade in my crotch.

    I have no idea what that means...

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  31. DonNovember 8, 2011 at 1:00 AM

    I uh, think I'm in the wrong office.

    ReplyDelete
  32. dianeNovember 8, 2011 at 6:36 AM

    It's funny how our daughters think they're so hip, but the moment we start talking about our bodies, they turn into whining men.

    ReplyDelete
  33. StephanieNovember 8, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    Only the best Mamas spread the word about the possibility of a pending invasion:)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Fred MillerNovember 8, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    A vagina with a healthy, self-governing colony will produce its own disinfectant in the form of hydrogen peroxide. But if the colonists fail to pray and offer sacrifice, they will come under the rule of the evil clostridium. These are dark days for the vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  35. injaynesworldNovember 8, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    The last time I went to have the box checked out the doctors said he saw cobwebs. I haven't been back.

    ReplyDelete
  36. SueNovember 8, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    OMG, too funny! Reminds me of when DD the elder used to walk down the hall chanting "penis, penis, penis" very loudly, just to embarrass my boyfriend. Plus, she'd mis-pronounce fajita to rhymn with vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  37. RoshniNovember 8, 2011 at 11:01 PM

    hahah!! I like the "Mom...NO"!!! part!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. AnonymousNovember 9, 2011 at 5:22 AM

    OH my, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Thank you so much for this...

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gary's third pottery blogNovember 9, 2011 at 6:46 AM

    YES indeed, you earned POTW from Hilary :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. TexWisGirlNovember 9, 2011 at 8:46 AM

    OMG! ROFL this morning! thanks to hilary for sending me over here with her POTW! congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  41. ReenaNovember 9, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    LOL ... what a great post and thanks to Hilary for sending me here!

    ReplyDelete
  42. dsNovember 9, 2011 at 2:33 PM

    Crying with laughter, and now my stomach hurts, all because of you and your terrific humor. And Hilary, whose POTW led me here.
    Thank you. (hahahahahahahaha....)

    ReplyDelete
  43. AnonymousNovember 9, 2011 at 2:48 PM

    My face hurts from smiling and silent laughter... I can't LOL for fear of waking my husband from his nap.
    Thanking Hilary for sending me here (hooray for the POTW!) and you for writing this post.

    I also thank my mother for NOT having this discussion with me. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  44. BarbNovember 9, 2011 at 4:05 PM

    Do you suppose an old lady can get the colonization flora? How might one know if they're settling in there? Congrats on POTW - you deserve it!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"November 10, 2011 at 6:21 AM

    THAT is plain hilarious! I can relate on so many levels. Still smirking as I'm typing this. I'm sharing this!!

    ReplyDelete
  46. UnspokenNovember 10, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    Oh My God! :)!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise)November 10, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    Heeehehehe!!! Ya got me rollin' here. Not to mention...ya sure know how to get a girl's attention! :o)

    Have a blessed and beautiful day!!!

    Your a hoot!

    ReplyDelete
  48. ShrinkyNovember 12, 2011 at 5:05 AM

    Why are our kids always so uptight about us sharing these nuggets of wisdom to them? It's only 'cos you CARE, right? (And watching them squirm is such fun.)

    Brilliant post, now if you'll just excuse me, I'm off to check out this iminent flora invasion..

    ReplyDelete
  49. Brian MillerNovember 12, 2011 at 7:14 AM

    woot on the POTW!

    ReplyDelete
  50. chocolatecovereddaydreams.blogspot.comNovember 13, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    Us women sure think hard about things....well, some maybe more than others. But thanks for the warning. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for the flora.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Vegas Linda LouNovember 16, 2011 at 12:23 AM

    Colonization? All I can think of is pilgrim hats and shiny buckles. That is too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thomas GNovember 16, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Great post – I’m going to Tweet about your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Bagman and ButlerNovember 22, 2011 at 12:32 PM

    This is pure genius. I think there should be a new video game -- similar to Sim City -- "Colonization." The graphics could be great!

    ReplyDelete

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