September 25, 2012

Ixnay on the Itchy Trigger Foot

Y'all, 47% of Florida's elderly population is driving with an itchy trigger foot. This appears to be an age-related entitlement, and there's nothing we can do about it because they would get really, really cranky if we "youngsters" started telling them what to do. Then they'd start withholding the Christmas Florentines, the Eye-talian cream birthday cakes, and the annual Bludgeoned Chickenfest—while firing up the guilt grill. No sir, that will not do.

But back to the itchy trigger foot. See, here's why it's a problem. When the old farts take their daily joy ride to the nearest post office, a disturbing number of them are exiting the parking lot via the building's front windows. Why, only a month ago, a woman said she was startled by something falling from the sky, so she accelerated into the post office lobby—prompting the police to schedule a pickup. Perhaps the sky was falling, or perhaps it was air mail. I'm not here to judge, but I doubt this is what the USPS had in mind when they started their "Stay Connected" campaign. This year in Central Florida alone, there have been eight sudden detours.

Fortunately, the USPS isn't punishing folks by calling out fake take-a-number tickets. "Heh, heh. What, nobody has #999? Heh. What about 633? No? Heh. 4,286? We've got all day, folks." No, they're actually asking Floridians to stop crashing into their post offices. Like this: "Please stop crashing into our post offices." And the USPS is being really nice about it by saying "please" and including helpful tips. Pretty sure there's one that goes, "Don't get behind the wheel while the key is in the ignition. Please."

Now I'm sure, when I get very, very old, a joy ride to the post office will be on my agenda too. Along with a leisurely stop-and-shop at the Cracker Barrel and the hand-scribing of an unfiltered letter about our nation's imminent Apocalypse due to POTUS's ideology being a tad different from mine. I mean, what is this? America? I can even imagine myself after an unfortunate rendezvous with my post office lobby, where my official statement will be:  "It's the darnedest thing, Whippersnapper. I stomp on the brake, and I'm always surprised at how much faster I go. Weeee! Hey, anybody seen my teeth?"

But to ixnay the itchy trigger foot, I suggest the USPS and the police combine forces with a new service called, "Priority Tracking and Confirming Your Old Farts." This just shows you love them. You could go online and, instead of looking up a zip code, you could GPS the location of your old farts, then request a certified return receipt to ensure your package arrives undamaged at his or her destination, steering clear of sidewalks, glass, and screaming postal workers.

Naturally, this would necessitate your oldest farts getting tattooed with a Forever Stamp on their foreheads. To stay connected. They'll go for that, right?
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21 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

My retired Floridian parents buy a new car every two years. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. They are frugal and understand less than 4.1% of the buttons and bells and whistles. I'm knocking on wood right now, but they have never crashed into a post office. I'm sure it's on their bucket list though. They are running out of new things to do. Consider yourself warned.

Gaelyn said...

I'm thinking that by the time you're old enough for that PO drive, there won't even be a PO. Now Cracker Barrel, that's a different story.

English Rider said...

Start a new fortune-making company installing parking bollards as protection. Niche market anyone?

Kidding aside, my bank in California had a hole in the wall one day and now it has bollards.

Expat From Hell said...

Geez. Driving right on through. As if they have earned the right of way to plow right through Gub-mint property. My in-laws just got "carry" permits, and both are post 80 yrs old. Better itchy feet than itchy fingers, I suppose. Great to be back here, and great to see you haven't lost your cynical touch! EFH

injaynesworld said...

I define "old farts" as anyone more than 20 years older than me. When I'm 90, I'll be using the same definition. ;)

daisyfae said...

when visiting my in-laws, who lived on the west-central coast of Florida, we risked death by driving along US-19 -- the crotchetiest stretch of highway in the nation. driverless oldsmobuicks, turn signals perpetually on, seat belts sparking along the pavement...

your post has triggered flashbacks! off to seek PTSD counseling!

Murr Brewster said...

Oh hell, they're just trying to get in front of the line. Little do they know a seasoned postal clerk can spend HOURS with the person right in front of them.

Bagman and Butler said...

What is a post office? Isn't that the place people used to take pieces of paper they took out of their typewriters?

Eva Gallant said...

As an old fart, I'm torn between amusement and offense!

Pat said...

Love your sense of humor!

Maybe driving past the age of 70 should be outlawed. Okay, 75. Or making old people pass a driver's test yearly.

sausage said...

Funny but so very true. I live down here and this happened just around the bloody corner where and old hen rammed through the front entrance of the Publix Supermarket. I hope that when I get to the age that I can no longer determine which pedal is for what that my children will park my ass on the beach with and umbrella, beach chair and an endless supply of tropical drinks.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Priority Tracking and Confirming Your Old Farts." AHHAhaHHAhHAhahHAHahHAhhHAhHAh!!

Well, I for one, believe driving is a privilege. NOT a right. And I also believe that EVERYONE should have to submit to an annual driving test once your over the age of 75.

Secret Agent Woman said...

Now that I think about it, maybe everyone should have to take a driving test, say, every ten years.

Chef Files said...

Ahhh, for the love of god, you still have a hell of a tongue about you hen. Nice post, subtle and with just the right amount of acid.

shrink on the couch said...

Sure. Tattoo beats a an airbag in the face, right?

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I laughed at all the right places, but your post reminds me that elderly drivers really are a danger. I'm thinking of writing a sort of driver's living will and giving it to my kids, saying when I'm a danger take my keys away.

★ Braja Sorensen said...

You're the only person I know who has me on their "have vaginas" list.

At least, that I know of....

JoeinVegas said...

Um, wasn't you that went through the window, was it?

meleah rebeccah said...

I really miss your blog posts! Please update soon?

Pearl said...

I've been to Florida a number of times and am always freaked by the truly elderly drivers and how dangerous some of them are! I've been almost hit, walking from the car to the store, on two separate occasions by someone who could barely see over the dashboard...

Yikes!

Pearl

Bella said...

where are you?