After my "drinks" date the other night, where the guy was so wrong for me, I had to wonder why I hadn't had him fill out an application first, I decided I need to prescreen better. No matter how attractive a guy is, no matter how well people talk him up, he may be totally incompatible with you. So I figured I could at least define the deal breakers for myself, right? Those things that make my head spin and my body squirm for the door. So here they are in no particular order:
- Do you smoke? Anything? (Yeah, yeah, I know. "If you're smoking, you need to slow down."
- Have you ever been to Cabela's? If so, how many times a week do you return, and are you able to get out in less than two hours? Without deer corn or ammunition?
- Do you think Charlton Heston was a better actor as Moses or president of the NRA?
- Do you ever put just a pinch between your cheek and gums, -- and talk funny? And do you spit the muddy goo into your empty soda bottle -- or just any old place -- while other people watch?
- Are you legally married or otherwise engaged to any female anywhere on the planet? Take your time . . . Okay, but you do like boobs and vaginas only, right?
- Are cats on your endangered species list? If your nose and eyes itch and run and your throat feels like it's closing up or that you might die, would you be mad if I just gave you a pill and told you to man up?
- Have you forgotten or would you like to forget the names and addresses of the people who got jiggy with it to conceive you?
- Do you have offspring of your own that you don't actually spend time with or who don't like you very much?
- Are you a fan of What Not to Wear? Okay, let me ask that a different way. Do you ever throw on camo or stained and torn t-shirts when you go out in public? Deliberately?
- How close is your association with the word bitch? What about the C word -- you know, cunnilingus?
- Couch potato or jumping bean?
- How well do you know your way around a kitchen? Do you own an apron with a stuffed, but flaccid, hidden penis?
- Do you think kissing is underrated? Are you able to prove your hypothesis?
- Do you know what these words mean? Nyet. Non. Nein. Nay. Uh-uh. When hell freezes over. Not no, but hell no! Need any help with translations?
- What is your political idealogy? Please use only primary colors.
- How many times have you broken the law? Did you get caught, and do they still have your fingerprints?
- Would your exes call you honest, respectful, kind, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, affectionate, playful? Or Dick?
- Do you stay up till the wee hours of the night just to watch the Girls Gone Wild commercials and imagine the coeds without those little black rectangles over their nipples and fuzzboxes? Tell the truth . . .
- What's your credit score? It's not under 800, is it? Um, okay then, let's try another one. What is the status of your retirement account? I'm sorry, did you just laugh and say, Retire this!?
- And the most important question of all: Are you able to drop it like it's hot and swing me around on the dance floor, like a fiery hot latin lover who only has eyes for me? Bonus Points for this one!!
.
