September 8, 2010

Flight Lessons Everyone Should Know (Especially You, 32A)

People, I think it's important you learn from my mistakes.

On my way to Atlanta, I plunk into Delta seat 32B—because who doesn't love being wedged between two total strangers? 32C, on the aisle, immediately hides under her hoodie and eases into a classic leave-me-alone slump, which I totally expect since girls just getting over teenitis are really still full of "Ew, old people!" attitude. When 32A shows up, he makes me get up so he can squeeze his skinny ass into his coveted window seat—the seat I should have if I hadn't screwed up my online seat selection. Why the airline didn't immediately call me afterward and say, Dude, you SURE you want to sit between total strangers? is frankly beyond my comprehension. Why does no one question my sanity? No wonder the airlines are losing money.

So 32A buckles in and spreads open his newspaper like he's home at his breakfast table. He is infringing on my space and his right arm occupies the armrest between us. Dude! At LEAST give me the armrest! I'm sure that is a rule!

Lesson One:  "B" seaters get the armrests!

Lesson Two:  Don't touch strangers sitting next to you, cuz they flinch like you just lit them up with a case of ebola via transmission of your personal cooties.

I'm too fragile for that kind of rejection, as you know, so stuck between 32A and 32C I read my "More" magazine, elbows glued to my sides. For all of about two minutes. Since 32A is blatantly violating Lesson One etiquette, I fan out my left elbow and ease it onto a sliver of the real estate between us, deliberately violating Lesson Two. People, he is asking for it!

You see where I'm going? Oh yes, I'm commandeering the island. Pretty soon my arm is flush with 32A's. If I had a flag, I'd knock him off and jam it into the armrest. This land is mine! But he's not giving ground either, so we total strangers share the armrest. Let me repeat:  we are sharing. The guy's not even worried about cooties, and I'm like, Cooties be damned!

He looks at me, inches away from my face. "Think we're above 10,000 feet?"

Like I'm an altimeter. "I don't know," I say, as he looks through his brown-rimmed glasses into my eyes.

Whoa. Hold up! Re-eval. 32A is muy caliente. Man, I'm so off my game. How did I not notice this earlier? He mutters something about giving it a shot and turns on his iPhone. I think, Cute or not, if your phone causes us to crash, I will kill you dead.

I continue reading "More," my arm warmed by 32A's; but it's hard to concentrate on 150 Best Fall Looks Under $250 and Why the Recession is Good for Women when my brain is vacillating between images of death by sudden impact and the boggling perks of life as a B-seater.

Pretty soon 32A is talking to me again. He makes me smile, and I end up laughing, kind of like a hyena—you know that kind of nervous flirty laugh? Yeah, that's mine. I can't help it. That's what I do with strangers who are cute and interesting and coveting my real estate. Okay, maybe I'm the one who's coveting, but I am totally welcoming his cooties, y'all. Pretty soon, 32A scrawls his mobile on the back of his biz card and my number on a napkin that he tucks into . . . somewhere, I don't know. Perhaps his billetera. When the pilot says something about Atlanta, I realize I completely missed the landing. WTF?

Lesson Three:  Screw Match.com. Go for the B seat, just in case.
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Pop Quiz:  Can you find the Tom Cruise quote above and name the movie it's from?
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Answer:  "This land is mine!" from Far and Away.

46 comments:

Expat From Hell said...

The next time I am forced to do seat selection on line, I will think of this story. Thanks for changing my viewpoint of that random choice. This was a great post. EFH

Eva Gallant said...

So did he call? Or did you?

Gaelyn said...

Always a window for me.

Hope he called.

Kristina P. said...

I have a friend who met and married her husband, after meeting on a flight. It's totally all Up In the Air!

Nancy said...

"Think we're above 10,000 feet?" The Tom Cruise quote?

I hate the middle seat, but I have to admit, this may change my mind.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I'm not fat, but I'm 6'-3" and 210 pounds. People don't like sitting next to me, and vice versa! Now, if I could find a cute gal that laughs like a hyena...

TechnoBabe said...

Okay, this is a teaser, right? You will be revealing bits and pieces appropriate for your blog in the near future????

Fred Miller said...

Every time you post, I like you more.

Miss Yvonne said...

This story better eventually end with "and then I had his babies" or I'm gonna be really disappointed.

Dean said...

Miss,
I simply want to tell yoou how much I enjoyed this post and your writing. I found my way here via Lisa's blog. It's also nice to run into someone else from 'The Steamy, Sunshine State'.

Kind Thoughts,

foxy said...

Wow... muy interesante!!! I'd like to know where this goes, thanks. Keep us all update.

Lisa said...

Maybe you'll get a chance to plant your flag in him. Wait - that's not right.

Linda Medrano said...

You know, this makes me a believer! I've always thought airplanes were good places to meet men. But my husband discourages me from doing so now. Too bad! It's fun!

Deb and Barbara said...

Ha! A flier's worst nightmare turned into a wet dream. Nicely played.
B

Missy said...

LMAO! I am not a middle person! We need to hear more about this flight!

daisyfae said...

you are correct with the first two rules - middle seater ALWAYS gets BOTH armrests, AND if either aisle or window violates that rule? you are compelled to take the real estate back. never give an inch.

as a very frequent flier, i can count on ONE hand (three fingers, in fact) the number of times i've had that kinda luck with someone on a plane. you are on a lucky streak, lady! throw them dice!

Fay's Too said...

Oh, I have sooooooo been there. Nothing improves a flight like a good flirt. Good on ya!

Anita said...

Hi, I read about your meeting Lisa, and I had to come by to see who you are. Love this post, great story of the B seat.
So is there a follow up?

rxBambi said...

Oh my god. you are my hero and I need a cigarette! how hot! please please please tell me more!

I think I'm blushing...

morethananelectrician said...

This is SOOOOOO giving people false hope. I always seem to sit next to halitosis and flatulence.

Irish Gumbo said...

Too bad I've never sat next to you on plane. Hmmph.

slommler said...

I never thought that a "B" seat could be a dating tool!! Ha!!
Me...I usually take the isle seat. I don't want to be trapped and I hate trying to half stand and half sit as I wait to get out of the plane. I really hate that!
And yes...did he call??
Hugs
SueAnn

LauraP said...

I love this! Thank you for reminding me how much fun flying can be.

Gaston Studio said...

So are you going to start a new website, Bseat.com? I don't know Fragrant, I don't want that seat for any reason, no matter how gorgeous the others might be.

Pat said...

So when do we read part 2?

The phone call, the date, etc., etc?

Udder Hysteria said...

I had a similar experience on a LONG flight to Barbados where the aisle-seat guy splayed his knees out and they were touching my legs! I mean, it's not like I could escape the contact. Oh...and he wasn't muy caliente... not even close! Oh... and he was smelly!

injaynesworld said...

Well, first of all if God had meant us to fly He'd have stuck feathers up our asses. Second, I'd have been so zonked on Xanax with wine chasers I'd have probably had my head resting on his shoulder and been drooling down his sleeve.

But you got a post out of it and maybe even a date. Good for you.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I am so impressed. You got the arm rests, the hot guy sitting next to you, the phone number, and the great blog story. You are a very talented flier. I'm going to have to call you Fragrant Flier.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I just found your blog, and I'm hooked. It's good to find another mid-lifer, irreverant, why-bother-to-shave-my-legs/screw match.com kinda gal.
I go for the aisle seat, for easiest access to the bathroom.
Cheers,
Robyn

Que said...

How dare you speak of such blasphemy!!! If this whole face-to-face, random encounter thing catches on there won't be a need for Match.com or the such. What kind of world would we be in if THAT happened. You really need to think before you post stuff like this.

secret agent woman said...

Niiiice. I wonder if on my next flight I could just ask to be seated next to a cute, single guy?

Brian Miller said...

smiles. only you can make the B seat seem nice...smiles. and yeah you are going to follow up with this right?

♥ Braja said...

"Come fly with me, come fly, come flyyyy awaaaaaayyyyy!!"

Wait...was that the Tom Cruise part? Cos it should be.

Ha! You thought I'd died and gone to yoga heaven, right?!

nonamedufus said...

I hate the middle seat. But if I get it I like to pretend I'm asleep so the guy by the window can;t get out to go to the bathroom. I'm like that. But it seems to work for you. Nice going. Has he called yet?

Wendi said...

Tom Cruise quote from "Interview With a Vampire": It's hard to concentrate on 150 Best Fall Looks Under $250.

Right???

bernthis said...

I NEVER meet a guy on a plane. I've had the middle seat so many times I have lost count.

Damn girl. Keep us posted.

Jeanne said...

If you're young enough to flirt and exchange phone numbers on a flight to Atlanta, you are definitely not old!

Bella said...

sounds like you're having some fun! I could not stand to be inbetween two people like that...

Madame DeFarge said...

(Following as ordered).

It's the benefit of always flying with M. DeFarge. I only have only other set of elbows to worry about. Could have been worse. Could have been a nun. They're bad. We've all seen the films.

Nick Thomas said...

Very good blog.

I do like the aisle seat - easy to get up when you have to, and you can stretch your feet (well, foot) into the aisle if you don't mind the flight attendant running over it with their drink trolley.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I don't know the Tom Cruise line. I don't think I like Tom Cruise. But I do know the person in the middle gets dibs on the armrests. ALL the time.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I've had four cross country flights in the last six weeks. I've had a middle seat in ALL of them and no hotties to be found. No, instead I get the people who fall asleep on me drooling and/or have gas.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

I'm canceling my Match.com, my eHarmony, my coed bowling league and just flying all over the country in SEAT B. Maybe you should start a marketing plan for a dating service called "Seat B." Just a thought.

Shrinky said...

You slay me.. and um, curious minds are waiting to know - did he call??

De Campo said...

Viewing Up In The Air should be mandatory upon purchasing airline tickets.

One should also be able to redeem frequent flyer miles for attractive seat mates.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

This just proves that every fart has a sweet spot. Oops - I mean every cloud has a silver lining.