Epiphanies and Equations, Or Why I Feel a Trip to the Beach Coming On

2012 has begun, and I have failed to spout forth a resolution. I am the equivalent of an algebraic equation: unresolved. In my defense, I am not a fan of math—unless it's one plus one equals an incredible afternoon of delight.

While having lunch with my BFF—the absolute smartest person I know, besides me* (obviously), I enjoyed two epiphanies. Actually, I didn't enjoy them so much as I was unhinged by them. And since BFF also serves as my personal GPS (Global Perspective Sister), her trademark poignant line of questioning assured that I would locate my epiphanies somewhere over Pollo Enchiladas and Fish Tacos. When last we found me there, I was crying into a bottle of cerveza and pondering the mating habits of sand crabs, where I left my cover-up, and why zinc oxide can't just be clear.

Okay, so . . . Epiphany One. Apparently, a person can have a few too many loose ends in her life, and the preponderance of said loose ends can make a normally together person feel all sorts of unresolved and, well, icky. Math wiz that I am, the equation looks like this: Too many loose ends = too many variables = overwhelm = risk aversion = a disturbing bout of inertia. Sure, I oversimplified, but who can function with that kind of resistance?

Epiphany Two. My discombobulation, heretofore known as Epiphany One, is a major buzz kill equivalent to, say, a borborygmic pressure cooker. Yeah. Quiz later. Anywho, no avoiding it. Before you can make a resolution you'll keep, you have to be clear on your shit. You have to know what you can and can't live without, what you have control of and what you don't, what will make you the happiest, what you're willing to walk away from, and what will take care of itself. Plus, how many carbs are in a slice of margherita pizza—or the whole thing with maybe some pineapple. Or more precisely, would I benefit from a nice getaway in the sun, sand, and surf instead of thinking so hard? These are things I must get to the bottom of.

In summary, time to shore up my loose ends so I can really enjoy my next big adventure with a clear conscience, a joyful heart, and a renewed zest for life. Who knows, 2012 could be my best, brightest, biggest year ever. Maybe it will even be Apocalyptic. Hey, I think I'm having another epiphany.
_____________________
* and HSM, but I'm not telling him that cuz, well, there are only so many kudos you can freely bestow upon a Hot Sexy Man before he reminds you about them, like when he posits how you can be Mensa material one minute and a laughable 12-year-old the next. Clearly, I'm not a 12-year-old (I know you are, but what am I?); I'm just flexible (that's what HE said!) on an intellectual level.

|

Tweet

Buzzed for 2011

Happy New Year! I brought in 2011 in Austin with my daughter Coco and her family and some very special friends.

Early in the eve, Ruby arrived.

Coco had the honor of shearing Ruby's hair.

Note:  Cancer can suck it!

And chemo is rude.

Post-buzz, Ruby's fiancé Chris got a solidarity buzz.

Sweetest couple around.

Coco and me at midnight.

She is so gorgeous and full of life.

Note her beautiful locks.

Me and the nanaboys.

They like to cut up.
Where do they get it?

(No idea who the drunken reveler is in the background, but he is admirably passionate.)

Uh-oh.

It's 1 a.m.
Do you know where your hair is?

Yikes! That's a lotta locks on the floor.

And they belong to . . .

. . . Coco who gets the solidarity buzz.

Showing support for her best bud Ruby.

Aren't they both beautiful?

It's a family affair.

The boys show their support of their mom's best friend and get buzzed too.

Today, many of Ruby's friends and family buzzed their heads to show her their support.

Good friends enrich our lives so much. I'm so proud of my daughter for being there for Ruby in this special way.

That's the way to kick off 2011, isn't it?

And, oh yeah, I got buzzed in a totally different way . . .
|

Tweet

Holidays and Hammock Sex

I'm still Christmasing in Austin where the weather's chilly and rainy. I've enjoyed the family and meet-ups with old friends, as well as lazing around with a glass of Bailey's and a remote in my hands (my version of a yuletide two-fer). I've hardly even cracked open the laptop except to peek at my erotica novella, which has me all blocked up at Chapter Two. I peek, I sigh, I get distracted. What can I say, I'm a virgin at this genre.

But people, I have a chapter to deliver before January 1 and, well, I've got a headache. Please, no cock-block jokes. It hurts my feelings on the same scale as vacuuming up tinsel—an exercise in futility if ever there was one. I once uncovered tinsel in my carpet ten years after I last threw it on a tree. Instead of dragging out the vacuum for the thousandth time, I curled into fetal position.

So today I figured if I got out of the house, some inspiration might hit. I stole away to the local B&N, sipped on a house brew, and reread the first line of Chapter Two where my horny characters discover a secluded hammock in the woods.

"So here we are, just you and me and nature."

Yes, I know. Lame. But it was merely a jumping-off point for the next time I opened the doc. Plus I think ten words in 30 days is real progress, don't you? Actually, my protag wrote it. That bitch was leading me down the path to outdoor nookie. Erotica, remember? It's serious shit that's supposed to make you all hot and bothery. Thing is, after your character discovers a hammock in the woods, the scene devolves into comedy.

A story so often writes itself, you see, and while I've resisted this turn of events, my character is insisting on a roll in the hammock. Probably a roll that reminds her it's not the fall that kills you, but the sudden stop. Peeps, I can't seem to stay away from the slap-schtick. Anybody who knows me will not question this. Is that bad? Perhaps humorous erotica is its own subgenre. Whatever. Hammock sex it is. Once I quit fighting it, I wrangled out another 500 words that renewed my faith in my compositional abilities, filled me with optimism about 2011, and gave me a good giggle (as erotica often does, even without a hammock).

I'm now back at my daughter's house, and here's my one and only Christmas pic, which is me actually keying in this blog post. Booyah! I really am a writer! I'd raise a glass of Bailey's to your happy, safe, and peaceful New Year, but they hid the bottle from me. Still, I send strong vibes that mean the same thing.

Don't forget your black-eyed peas, y'all!
|

Tweet

I Am Totally Dedicated to Teaching You Stuff

December marks my one-year anniversary as your Fragrant Liar. You probably remember fondly my inaugural post. I know! It feels like just yesterday that you all came into my little corner of the world with your cheeks aglow, your mouths agape, and your sensibilities aghast. It's all right. You recovered, didn't you?

I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, commenting, and supporting this blog. I try hard to teach you guys stuff you can use in real life because the infinite smarts around here flow so freely. I am your one-stop shop. I'm like Fragripedia! Where else can you find all you ever wanted to know about men, women, children, strap-ons, boners, spanx, corsets, strange surgeries, thongs, penises, and assorted other treasures. My peeps, you are the world's coolest beneficiaries! De nada!

Oh, I know some uppity peeps have read my stuff with that WTF-in-the-headlights look, or, horror-struck, tried to escape before I could finagle their naughty inner child out of them. Alas, not everyone can be awe-fabu-wonder-credible, now can they?

But YOU can—you ARE. You who continue to breathe deep, ping a link somewhere, and brave the elements of this blog for a few laughs and to receive the kind of wisdom you just can't get anywhere else—you are my people. You are my inspiration to fire up the laptop. You complete me. You make me want to be a better blogger. I promise to never disappoint.

Wait, what? That totally sounded like a resolution, didn't it? That is so not happenin'! But I'll be back next year. I hope you will join me with your sense of humor and your naughty inner child and be ready to learn something! I am totally dedicated to keeping you guys in the know with real important stuff.

You people are awe-fabu-wonder-credible. (I know you are, but what am I?)

Happy New Year!

Tweet