Listen to Your Mother, Austin

Okay, so I promised you all a link to my performance of "It's Complicated" at the Listen to Your Mother-Austin Show. And apparently not making good on your promises is frowned upon in this establishment!

I must say, on video I appear to be on Valium, but I promise I wasn't. Just 1/4 xanax and, um, wine. And holy crap the lights! Why do stage lights make you look like Frankenstein's Bride's Great Aunt Brunhilda? Plus, I'm pretty sure I sound like I belong to the Lollipop Guild.

Sigh.

Word of warning, a technical malfunction occurred during my introduction and the beginning of the vid, so it's slightly glitchy. What you missed was simply me droning out:  "I am the mother of four daughters. The eldest is separated from the youngest by only four and a half years." That's always riveting stuff, birth. Well, it is if you imagine being there! Which I wouldn't recommend before meals. And then also a fractional glitch midway through, strangely representative of my real life. Heh.

Regardless, it was a really fun and cool experience, and I can't thank Wendi Aarons and Jennifer Sutton enough for allowing me to join the show. So go on, have a peek HERE. I'll stay behind and be embarrassed enough for all of us.
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Three Fabulous Things

Let's just recap my weekend, shall we? Wherein three fabulous things happened...

#1 Fabulous Thing:
Praise the Universe, I finally got my laptop back with a shiny new hard drive and lots of space to cram all sorts of grey matter I want to preserve for posterity. Yay, and huggy thanks to Waynerdawg for making it happen. You da king.

#2 Fabulous Thing:
I made my performance on the "Listen to Your Mother" Show. What a blast! I think I only flubbed one line, but it wasn't the tongue-twister I had feared, so I probably drifted somewhere else when that happened—like to the OMG-I'm-speaking-to-300-people place. Or maybe I was still freaked out at being the person to follow the lovely and incomparable Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). It was like, Really? I have to follow her? That's the equivalent of Jan Brady on the kitten heels of Marsha Marsha Marsha. Wait, who's Jan again, and why is she stuttering like Porky Pig? Uh, be-a-be-a-be—uh, that's all she wrote, folks.

The incredibly talented LTYM cast, post-show 
(minus Jenny and Kristin).
I'm the short shit in the middle.

Actually, LTYM was huge fun for me, and ham that I am (isn't that what Moses said? Ham that I am? Or maybe it was Dr. Seuss, who sounds a lot like Blythe Jewell, by the way—though Blythe is much prettier, with a lollipop in her hair and potty words in her mouth—this would all be clear to you if you'd been at the show!), I've decided I need a new career in public speaking. If only I had some real wisdom to impart that people would pay to hear while refraining from throwing things. I would so dig it.

I want to publicly thank Wendi Aarons and Jennifer Sutton for the awesome job they did in producing this show and for their incredible contributions on stage. They are two smart, funny, wonderful women. And I'd also like to thank my sisters in writing, all the multi-talented and lovely LTYM cast members. How about we take this show on the road, girls?

More to follow on LTYM later, including links and pics and stuff.

#3 Fabulous Thing:
After the show, I was totally allowed to eat carbs again. Woot-woot! My ingestion this weekend, post LTYM, consisted of chips and queso and salsa, chips and queso and salsa, and, I admit, chips and queso and salsa—and a waffle. Two of the best food groups ever.
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I Noticed Some Stuff

Yup, I was just looking around this week, waiting for word on my ailing laptop, and this is what I noticed:

Backup drives are as important as your last will and testament, especially when losing your hard drive makes you want to roll over and die.

Having to choose between transitive or intransitive lie, lay, laid, lain, lying, or laying makes my brain shrivel to the size of a raisin lying in the sun. Or is it laying in the sun? Kill me now...

My first sunburn of the year took 45 minutes: 15 to burn and 30 to realize the shade had moved.

Tween boys are like pop farts. Cute and gross at the same time.

Source Code is gripping and worth the ticket. Your Highness is ridiculous in a Monty Python sort of way, for which I offer two words and one unforgettable image:  penis medallion.

You never really forget how to cook. It's like having sex. You turn up the heat, throw in the good stuff, and hope it tastes better than it looks.

I don't know how threatening to "rain a shitstorm down on you" got translated to "Nana's gonna poop a storm," but y'all need to quit telling on me. Your mother turned out okay . . .

Tickets are on sale now for my April 30 performance at the Listen to Your Mother Show in Austin, HERE. Come on out and see me!
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Lights, Camera, ACTION!

Y'all, I got super awe-fabu-wonder-credible news today! No, I didn't win an all-expense-paid 30-day vacation to the Caribbean on a pamper-the-hell-outta-me cruise that includes a scalpel-free full-body rejuvenation, complete with 50-year guarantee and an endless supply of Swedish massages with Sven the manscaped Viking, warm peanut butter crackies, and exotic, um, tingly sensation aromatherapy pleasuring oils. Oooooo, good guess though!

My peeps, I'm going to be one of 15 featured cast members on the Listen to Your Mother Show (Austin) on April 30, 2011. Waaaa-hoooo! LTYM is the brainchild of the lovely and amazing Ann Imig of Ann's Rants; and after last year's premier in Madison, Wisconsin, this year new shows are in Austin, L.A., Spokane, and Valparaiso.

You all know how timid and reserved I am, but I think I'll probably maybe perhaps be okay with the Hollywood lights shining down on me. [sigh] People may just have to escort me onto the stage. But I'm totally not letting anyone escort me off! Ahem, I mean, it should be fun.

Hope y'all can make it! I solemnly promise I won't be long-winded or gross or cussing like usual, and I solemnly promise to embarrass someone near and dear to me.

We'll be at the AT&T Conference Center in Austin. More later on tickets and such. Austin is great for a live show, but if you can't make it, they're taping it. Woot-woot! (I mean, gosh, I'm just doing my part) So you'll be able to see it online after the event.

Pretty cool, huh? Not as titillating as your excellent guess of an all-expense-paid 30-day vacation to the Caribbean on a pamper-the-hell-outta-me cruise that includes a scalpel-free full-body rejuvenation, complete with 50-year guarantee and an endless supply of Swedish massages with Sven the manscaped Viking, warm peanut butter crackies, and exotic tingly sensation aromatherapy pleasuring oils (you were totally so close!). But I'm nonetheless honored and thrilled to be part of such a cool new show and a very talented group of writers.

My humble thanks, LTYM!
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