Spooning Made Easy

Thanks, Hilary!

People, it's come to my attention that spooning, much like kissing, is highly underrated. Truly, is there anything more fulfilling than getting as close as you can to someone you're supremely attracted to, without having sex?

I mean, let's leave the bennies of coitus and, you know, that "O" thing out of the equation, okay? Spooning is a sacred and intimate, yet entirely innocent, act. Naturally, somebody—not sayin' who—might wanna take advantage and get a little sum'n-sum'n when the parties involved are skin to skin, but that just shows a lack of self control because spooning is the ultimate No Sex Zone. Obviously.

I know, I know, spooning can be complicated. But let's easify, shall we? Because, people, I really want you to try this at home.

First, assume the position, which is "fetal." We don't want to call it fetal because that evokes all kinds of birthing shit; however, pick a side, okay? Just do it, is what I'm saying. You are now the spoonee.

Second, allow your partner to park behind you. It'll be like docking the Enterprise at Deep Space Nine. Let him pull in and get comfy with his chest/belly to your back. Your partner is now the spooner. Together, you are in the Pringles position and must move in tandem to prevent crushing and crackage.

Third, your spooner must employ skills. These are advanced critical thinking (ACT) and total indifference to a really exposed derrière (TIRED) skills. For this mission, one assumes your spooner is so equipped. Here are the logistical considerations, in order, for successful spooning:

• ACT TIRED One. Does he drape his arm across your waist? Your hip? Your shoulder? Depends on where he intends to place his hand.
• ACT TIRED Two. To cup your boob or not. That is the question. Or hold your hand? Or tuck his hand under your belly? Or somewhere else, which I can't imagine. At all. Positioning depends on your self-esteem and whether or not you have a headache. You must guide your spooner's hand to the proper coordinates.
• ACT TIRED Three. Does he wedge his knees behind your knees? Or drape a leg over your hip? Or attempt to "basket weave" your legs with his? May I say, Dude, wedgie every time. Anything else, and somebody gets hurt. Seen it before.
• ACT TIRED Four. Does he cradle his chin in the crook of your neck? Or bury his nose in your hair? Unless you're Hallie Berry, you must wrangle your coif neatly to the side so it doesn't tickle his nose, causing him to jerk upright, slap his own face, and roll over.
• ACT TIRED Five. What does he do with his other arm? Really, do you even care? It's the placebo, looks real but adds zippity-doo-dah to the experience. Your spooner can just lay on it or something.
• ACT TIRED Six. Is his little guy willing to stand down? This is the crux of spooning. Little guy has to go to sleep for spooning to work properly. Otherwise, the TIRED act is just a sordid ruse that you fell for; and next thing you know, spooning turns to forking which is a whole 'nother post.

And there you are, spooning easified. You're welcome.
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