November 7, 2011

Vagina Vagina

Thanks to Hilary at The Smitten Image
for selecting this a Post of the Week. 
Click the link above and go check out
her gorgeous photography!
I am sitting on the couch in my GYN's office and we are discussing lady infections, or as I like to call them, infuctions. Doc has on his white lab coat and sits across from me with one leg over the other, speaking nonchalantly yet with some formality about vaginas and sexual intercourse and the flora that naturally exist in there but which get out of balance from time to time. Then Doc says with a complete straight face that one of the infections we women get is not an infection at all, but a colonization.

"A colonization?" I say. "Bwaaaahahahaha!"

Doc stops mid-sentence and stares at me.

I say, "Bwaaaahahahaha!" again, like a fifth grader, and then I add, "Bwaaaahahahaha! Seriously, Doc, that is so a blog post."

*crickets*

Well, come on. A colonization? In my vagina?

I can only imagine thousands of battle-weary farmer Johns, storming the valley with long-barreled muskets to sack Fort Hoohah. The unsuspecting natives are overrun 13 ways to Sunday and sent packing with just their loincloths, and suddenly Captain Flora's plucky pioneers have infiltrated the countryside, erecting little log cabins and rowing and hoeing a flourishing cotton crop. Say, how many settlers you think can fit into one vagina anyway, pilgrim?

Naturally, the first thing I did was Skype my eldest daughter, TG. She's not too old for her mama to explain the birds and the florabees. So what if she's had three kids? I've had four, and colonization is news to me. I must prepare her.

TG: Mom, you're talking about your vagina?

Me: Yes. And the flora.

TG: I don't want to talk about your vagina, or . . . that other thing.

Me: Flora. Not just my vagina, but yours too. And your sisters'. All women's vaginas. And the flora that's already in there but gets all crazy and greedy and starts land grubbing—

TG: Mom! You're talking about vaginas.

Me: Well, only cuz you have one. And I have one.

TG: Mom.

Me: What? You just don't like the word. Vagina, vagina, vagina.

TG: Mom.

Me: What?

TG: No.

Criminy. Who doesn't want to be forewarned, The flora are coming! The flora are coming!?

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56 comments:

Sojourness said...

Hilarious!

Linda in New Mexico said...

It takes alot for me to literally gaffaw and spew coffee.....but to you my dear and this way funny post....yes ma'am. You made me spew. Love it. Oma Linda

Lisa said...

You're a good mama to share the info. And a good friend, too.

Should we be erecting barricades?

Gaelyn said...

I'm not ready for a vagina war. Or do they want to Occupy? ;)

meleah rebeccah said...

AhahahahHHAHAHHAhaHHAhahHAhaHH! OMG. This is way too funny.

Irish Gumbo said...

I've spent a great portion of my life trying to get into Fort Hoohah...and I could have colonized it instead? So not fair. (snort)

Ange said...

I am proud to say that I can talk openly about vaginas with my mother.

mac said...

At least your daughter has had a lifetim to be prepared. The poor doctor had no clue who he was dealing with.

If you have any more of these type experiences in the future, please, tell all about them. They are hilarious :-)

Bee's Blog said...

Absolutely hilarious and very much like something I'd write about in my 'Our House' series! My single daughter would react in much the same way ad yours - as though she doesn't have a vagina and if she does, talking about it is off limits!

Brian Miller said...

i may be scarred for life now...envisioning red coats with bayonets....

Linda Medrano said...

All I can say is that if he had said "infestation" I would really be worried. Vagina is such a liberating word isn't it? I think I'll go use it to some of my neighbors. Especially the religious ones.

XLMIC said...

Next thing you know those floral colonists will want independence…

nixabn said...

Then you guys cum in and carpet bomb and napalm the colonists and the war just never ends.

Juli said...

No sex, no more invasions. Magic!

Liz said...

There is nothing better than having discussions about your V-jay,jay with a man... even if he is a doctor.

Red Shoes said...

Sooo....

What comes first?

A colonization or a settlement??

Maybe even an incursion???

Maybe even a foray before the incursion??

~shoes~

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! You are a total whack job! I am laughing so hard right now, my sides are aching! Thanks for making my day!

Kristina P. said...

My vagina just laughed out loud.

Hilary said...

Rolling on the flora laughing. ;)

bernthis said...

If you need me I'll be out in the garden planting vulvas.

daisyfae said...

Imperialist Yeasty Pig-Dogs! You cannot colonize MY vagina! i will make it a hostile environment! i will.... ummm.... i will...

ok. i guess you can colonize it. just be sure to clean it up when you leave, ok?

atexasgirl said...

Did they come over on the Mayflora?

Pat said...

Oh my gosh, between your post AND the comments, I'm dieing here! FUNNY!

Ruth said...

I wanted one more Vagina in the title!

SueAnn said...

Ha! So the flora are coming!!?? Is it an invasion or a friendly takeover? Just saying..!!
Ha!
Hugs
SueAnn

Wow, that was awkward said...

Normally on Monday mornings I like to read the sports section of the newspaper to catch up what happened in the NFL. But today was much more interesting reading about your vagina and all the great moments in history that took place there.

Expat From Hell said...

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant post. Damn, you are one funny lady! I can't get Fort Hoohah out of my mind. All I can think of is some sort of F Troop trying to protect the outpost. Wonder what F stands for? You are the standard by which all blogs are judged, my dear. EFH

Carolyn said...

It's been waaaaay too long since I've read one of your posts -- thank you for sending and for the chuckle. Maybe I'll forward to MY daughter!

secret agent woman said...

You know what this post did for me? Make me remember why I only see female GYNs.

otin said...

I couldn't even comment on this without getting in trouble! hehe

JoeinVegas said...

Um, so many possible comments here. Most of the appropriate ones have already been made.

Pearl said...

Well that explains flourishing arms trade in my crotch.

I have no idea what that means...

Pearl

Don said...

I uh, think I'm in the wrong office.

diane said...

It's funny how our daughters think they're so hip, but the moment we start talking about our bodies, they turn into whining men.

SassyModernMom said...

Only the best Mamas spread the word about the possibility of a pending invasion:)

Fred Miller said...

A vagina with a healthy, self-governing colony will produce its own disinfectant in the form of hydrogen peroxide. But if the colonists fail to pray and offer sacrifice, they will come under the rule of the evil clostridium. These are dark days for the vagina.

injaynesworld said...

The last time I went to have the box checked out the doctors said he saw cobwebs. I haven't been back.

Sue said...

OMG, too funny! Reminds me of when DD the elder used to walk down the hall chanting "penis, penis, penis" very loudly, just to embarrass my boyfriend. Plus, she'd mis-pronounce fajita to rhymn with vagina.

Roshni said...

hahah!! I like the "Mom...NO"!!! part!!

ladyfi said...

OH my, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Thank you so much for this...

Gary's third pottery blog said...

YES indeed, you earned POTW from Hilary :)

TexWisGirl said...

OMG! ROFL this morning! thanks to hilary for sending me over here with her POTW! congrats!

missing moments said...

LOL ... what a great post and thanks to Hilary for sending me here!

ds said...

Crying with laughter, and now my stomach hurts, all because of you and your terrific humor. And Hilary, whose POTW led me here.
Thank you. (hahahahahahahaha....)

spokalulu said...

My face hurts from smiling and silent laughter... I can't LOL for fear of waking my husband from his nap.
Thanking Hilary for sending me here (hooray for the POTW!) and you for writing this post.

I also thank my mother for NOT having this discussion with me. ;)

Barb said...

Do you suppose an old lady can get the colonization flora? How might one know if they're settling in there? Congrats on POTW - you deserve it!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

THAT is plain hilarious! I can relate on so many levels. Still smirking as I'm typing this. I'm sharing this!!

She Writes said...

Oh My God! :)!!!!!!!!!

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe!!! Ya got me rollin' here. Not to mention...ya sure know how to get a girl's attention! :o)

Have a blessed and beautiful day!!!

Your a hoot!

Shrinky said...

Why are our kids always so uptight about us sharing these nuggets of wisdom to them? It's only 'cos you CARE, right? (And watching them squirm is such fun.)

Brilliant post, now if you'll just excuse me, I'm off to check out this iminent flora invasion..

Brian Miller said...

woot on the POTW!

Jennifer Kley said...

Oh, the things we learn about our vaginas...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Us women sure think hard about things....well, some maybe more than others. But thanks for the warning. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for the flora.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Colonization? All I can think of is pilgrim hats and shiny buckles. That is too funny!

Thomas G said...

Great post – I’m going to Tweet about your blog.

Bagman and Butler said...

This is pure genius. I think there should be a new video game -- similar to Sim City -- "Colonization." The graphics could be great!