May 1, 2012

The Boogie Man

So I'm driving to work last Monday morning, thinking about what a great weekend I had with my BF (yes, my BF, Hot Sexy Man, who embodies all the qualities normally reserved for a Greek god—you're welcome, baby), when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a guy in my rearview mirror.

He drives behind me in a white BMW SUV. Professional, thirtyish, white shirt, clean cut. With. His. Finger. Up. His. Nose. I'm all, Dude, no! You are NOT alone! STOP THAT! I beg you.


But he's committed, and it's like watching a drilling rig haul out the survivors of the Chilean mining disaster. You root for a successful rescue, of course, but you're unsure what shape the little guys'll be in when they emerge from the depths. I want to shield my eyes, but that is impossible because I'm driving—and because I can't believe what I'm witnessing. I am riveted to my rearview, where Beamer Boy remains knuckle deep in Operation Liberation for about three green lights.

Next thing I know, I shudder to say, a grown man, laboring with one finger up his nose, then makes a conscious decision to ingest what he finds there. At this point I'm beyond asking, Why? Why? WHY? Oh no. I've moved on to What's wrong with flicking?

Now, I'm all for nurturing your inner child and having a sense of play in your life. I'm partial to trampoline jumping on my mattressand yours if you're not lookingbut this sort of reckless abandon stretches the concept a mite too far. If he was in my car, I'd slap him silly. But he's not, so when I veer into the left-hand turn lane at the red light and Beamer Boy pulls up next to me, I can't resist getting his attention and tapping my nose while making the "Ew, OMG, ew!" face. When the light goes on in his eyes that his secret mission has been compromised, he exits stage right with a sudden tire-spinning turn. And he's not even in the turn lane. That's right, Beamer Boy, get far, far away.

Except you can never get that far away from a woman with a blog. This happened April 23, and when I searched for an image to post, looky what I found.

Dude, the International Diocese for Idealistic Observances That are Stupid (IDIOTS) have determined what you did was okay. I, however, may slap you silly if I ever see you again.
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26 comments:

Linda in New Mexico said...

Ewwwwwwww. I'm glad you played a fast game of "Gotcha" on him. Oma Linda

Pearl said...

A surprisingly low number of people doing that on the bus, but I've looked down in traffic to people in their cars to witness all kinds of horrific, even "bathroom" style behavior.

Apparently if they can't see you, you can't see them...

pearl

Bejewell said...

I've got nothing here but ICK.

Gaelyn said...

Guess you don't have to be a poor slob to dig for boogers.

~Coach said...

WHY did you keep watching?... :)

Hilary said...

Ugh.. 'snot what I expected. ;)

But you said BF.. :) :)

Expat From Hell said...

This reminded me immediately (thoroughly fried brain) of Timmy Lupus in Bad News Bears: all of the booger-eating spazz population have now grown up! And are driving BMWs!
EFH

Eva Gallant said...

That was so funny! glad you let him know you saw him!!!!!

ellen abbott said...

shouldn't that title be The Booger Man?

daisyfae said...

Camera phone would have been even more risky while driving. Imagine trying to explain that to the nice policeman... "But that guy? In the BM'er? EXCAVATING his BRAIN CELLS through his NOSE!"

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hah! I love that he ran away. Wonder whether he'll ever tell anyone... So I pull up alongside this gorgeous redhead and I'm ready to give her my sexiest look, when she lets me know what she saw! Guys don't tell on themselves, or do they? Anyway, bwahahaha, good for you!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Oops, gorgeous blonde. Didn't you used to be more strawberry blonde?

otin said...

Is there a problem here? I personally wouldn't eat mine without a little ketchup, but to each his own. lol

XLMIC said...

Doesn't he know that's what socks are for?

Jane Gaston said...

Yuk! Ick! OMG! Damn! Ewwwww!

mac said...

He didn't even try that "roll it around on the finger, look around to see if anyone is watching before it goes in the mouth " trick?

One has to wonder how such a rube affords a Beemer.

Eryn McCormick said...

That's fuggin' grossulous! And funny as hell!

meleah rebeccah said...

HOORAY! A new blog post from you. I have missed you!

"and it's like watching a drilling rig haul out the survivors of the Chilean mining disaster."

that made me laugh, out loud, for real.

And I just threw up in my mouth, reading about that dude EATING his booger. Seriously, I'm gagging.

Stephanie said...

LOL NOOOO Hot men in beemers do not eat boogies:)

lotta joy said...

I've always been an extremely curious person. I've been told "Don't stick your tongue on that battery." Of course I did and the scream was horrendous, but I'll never, ever, be curious regarding what a booger tastes like. ick

Me said...

ahahhaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! and gross. ha

Shrinky said...

I never eat my boogers, and CERTAINLY not in public. I mean, why keep a dog?

Technogran said...

I honestly believe that car drivers simply forget that others can see them because I've seen many a driver doing drill work on his nose, obviously oblivious to the fact that he's being seen. There's always an upside to any horrible sight though, its given you something to blog about! LOL

Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

Holy snot balls, Batman! Firstly I can't believe you saw a guy picking his nose in a BMW. I mean, I can maybe believe that. But then for him to EAT IT? ACK!!!! But you just keep throwing the unbelievables out there by then saying you confronted him about it! And then he drives off! I'm amazed. I'm stupefied! And I'm jealous that you got to blog it. Nice score, lady.

Susan said...

Oh my, I am following you right now. Your writing is very good. I may have to subscribe to your feed in Reader. I would not have the guts to point to my nose and go EW! Great image in my mind's eye of the tires squealing as he tried to run from his crazy self.

Lisa Golden said...

I am finally catching up on reading. This was worth the wait. Hilarious and disgusting.