December 11, 2010

Cappin' Off the Christmas Spirit

Wow. The spirit of the season is incredible, like sparkling snowflakes falling all over my head! Ho! Ho! Ho! See, yesterday morning I filled up with gas and went to work. Eight hours later . . .

I'm driving down 17th Street and pull into the left turn lane. I am six cars back from the red light, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? A blue minivan loaded with a mom and her passel of kids, my dear.

She stops beside me and points to my gas tank, mouthing: YOUR GAS CAP IS OFF!

I glance into my side mirror with Jingle Bells in my head. Sure enough, my gas cap is dangling and the tank door is wide open. See what I mean? The joyful holiday spirit even courses through the hustling, bustling air of traffic. It fills me like hot chocolate.

Good deed accomplished, the mama and her passel drive on up to the red light. Then another car drives up and stops beside me.

YOUR GAS TANK, the guy mouths, pointing frantically toward my rear quarter panel.

I wassail in the key of candy canes and mistletoe. "Yes, I kno-o-o-ow, I kno-o-o-ow."

The driver moves forward to get in line at the red light. And then comes Car #3. The gangsta inside mouths: BEEOTCH, ROLL DOWN YO WINDOW! With his eyebrows pinched, I'm thinking he's cranky. Or he thinks I'm a dumbass.

"Yeah, no," I say, my holiday cheer gleaming like a silver tree bulb that's just cracked.

YOUR GAS CAP IS OFF THE HOOK! The gangsta is like Kanye. His mouth is moving, but all I'm getting is a steaming pile of reindeer pooh.

"Thanks for telling me what I already know!" I give him two thumbs up as he drives off but think, Did somebody put out an APB? Now you're just making me look bad, people!

Once again, another car stops beside me. It's a guy and his wife, both about 110. The geezer jabs at the air with big-knuckled, crooked fingers. His unnatural fish lips seem to gulp air as he mouths: YOUR GAS CAP! CHRIST-A-MIGHTY, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET A LICENSE?!

"Joy to the world, old people! Okay?"

Finally the light changes to green, and I follow the six cars in front of me through the intersection. I speed past everybody for about two miles. One car tries to pass me, and I look straight ahead when he honks three times.

Jingle Bells, Santa smells, Rudolph ran away.

I stop at another red light to make a left turn into Wally World, and a ponytailed 20-elfin-something stops beside me, even though she has a bright Christmasy green light. She rolls down her window and shouts, "Your gas cap!"

I can't believe the world is paying this much attention to me, and I shake my head at the absurdity. It's like I'm driving naked.

"Yes it is!" Elfin yells. "It's off!" She curls her lip, a gift that indicates I truly am a classic dumbass.

Bah, humbug.

Elfin hits the gas, just as the light turns red.

And then, surprise. A Jeep pulls up beside me. The driver turns his head toward me, and I scream, "I KNOW my gas cap is off! I GET IT already! O holy-fucking-night!"

The guy looks aghast. I realize it's because he hasn't noticed my gas cap at all. He stares at me like I'm Scrooge's Grim Reaper. Which I am. That, and a dumbass. I have just killed Christmas.

Schwetty Balls
Schwetty Balls
It's Christmas ti-i-i-ime to get petty.
Ring-a-ling . . .


Yeah, the spirit is glopping all over my head, like cold turkey gravy. How's yours going?
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53 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

That is too funny...has happened to me before, and it's amazing how helpful people need to be! lol

Captain Dumbass said...

Don't be surprised when that stocking feels a little heavier than usual.

Cowguy said...

Hey! The top of your blog is open!!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Ok, you've provided a huge laugh for me. Just what I needed, YO Beeotch!

Heidi said...

That's funny. All that pay if forward stuff--hope it's wrong. ;-)

Linda in New Mexico said...

goodness, goodness, and to think....getting run over by a reindeer was my biggest fear this year............tee hee. The Olde Bagg, Linda

Vancouver Isle Doug said...

Funny that one gets so much attention over a gas cap. I do pause to wonder why you drove so far with it off. Was it to see how far you could take the comments?

Merry Christmas.

Pearl said...

Good to know that people have their eye out for us, huh?!

Pearl

Udder Hysteria said...

Sheesh! I knew you liked attention, but isn't that taking it a bit far/ ;-)

lakeviewer said...

Oh my! Between you and Eva, I'm kept in stiches!

Linda Medrano said...

Honey, where is your friggin gas cap? Did you do this on purpose? I am already sick of Christmas. I bought 2 toys each for my dogs and two toys for my cat. I just don't feel in the mood to do more than that. Next year, Bermuda!

mac said...

OMG, The nerve of those people!


I probably would have been too busy checking out the driver tonotice the gas cap ;-)

Out on the prairie said...

Keep this up and you are bound to get regifted, repeatably.I like the attitude, it puts me in that holiday spirit.Today while shopping the lady wants to know if I am looking for a gift for someone special.My reply was I was looking for someone special, what was she doing later.She left in a huff.

daisyfae said...

next time i'm feelin' unloved? invisible? gonna pop the cap on my tank and drive around town... christmas-wise? this ol' gal ain't shitting jingle bells... bah... well, you know the rest!

Irish Gumbo said...

Wellll...I was rampin' up myself for a big ol' bowl of Xmas Spirit, then I read this...maybe I'll just go sit on the porch with a bottle of whiskey and yell "Your gas cap is off!" at passing cars.

Ho, ho, ho!

Candice said...

If this makes you feel any better, I would have just driven by you THINKING you were a dumb ass, but I wouldn't have said a damn thing about it. ;)

Just think, it could've been much worse. You could have driven off with the gas hose.

Pastor Sharon said...

So, were you surprised when you got out of the car, looked back and saw that your gas tank was open?

LOL

Merry Christmas, anyway!

Cinner said...

This is hilarious, see how important you are. this was a great chuckle. take care, hope you have a better day tomorrow.

slommler said...

OMG! This was so funny!! See how helpful people can be?? Ha!!
Hey...did you know your gas cap was off there for awhile?? I mean, seriously!!!!!!!
Now I know your Christmas will be a merry one filled with joy and peace and lots of dingle bells...oops...I mean jingle bells!! Ha!!
Hugs
SueAnn

otin said...

people are way to interested in your gas hole! haha

Lori said...

LOL...your post and the comments gave me a nice morning laugh...thanks! Yep the spirit is glopping all over my head too! :)

ellen abbott said...

thanks for the chuckle.

meleah rebeccah said...

That was hilarious! I can't imagine why so many people were paying so much attention to your gas cap?!

Around here no one would even notice a naked person driving a car that was engulfed in flames.

Jason, as himself said...

The spirit of helping your fellow man is alive and well in Fragrant Liarville! I love it. And I especially love how crazy it made you. OMG, I love this post.

Fragrant Liar said...

I have to confess, y'all. I got to Wally World and went shopping, and then when I came back out, I saw the gas cap STILL OPEN (head slap), and was surprised AGAIN!

Tis the season, right? RIGHT?

Lisa said...

Hilarious! And the fact that you still didn't close it until later? Priceless!

Cindy La Ferle said...

Thanks for the smiles and the laughs today. Christmas never was my favorite holiday, but I keep tryin' to see past the tinsel ... :-)

Matty said...

I love the ingenious way you told this true story. Oh, those poor people just trying to help out.

Brian Miller said...

hehe...i hate it when that happens...just smile and wave, smile and wave...and be careful how many fingers you are holding up...smiles.

rory said...

So, um?
Did you ever screw the gas cap back on?
Or did you leave it dangling?

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Love it! You gotta be a bit pleased that they were trying to help you out?! I was all bah humbug about Christmas until I put my Christmas tree up with my five-year-old. She dragged me kicking and screaming into the festive spirit!

TechnoBabe said...

You could have stopped all the cars and gotten out of your car to put the gas cap on and then see just how much their Christmas spirit held up. Yeah.

Shrinky said...

Too funny! I once did that with a flat tyre, (I was tryinmg to inch the 50yrds home)which was far from funny - sheesh, some folk, eh? Merry Christmas, here's hoping all your Bingle Jells come true.

Gaston Studio said...

Great laugh this morning Fragrant! The next time I see you tooling down the road, I'm keeping old people words of wisdom to myself.
Happy holidays!

foxy said...

Hahahaha - that is awesome! I love that they all were coming to your aid! Your gas cap, YOUR GAS CAP... your gas cap, you stupid beyotch! They must be Santa's Little Helpers. ;) I think you should just leave it off from here on out to fuck with people. Now THAT would be funny.

secret agent woman said...

Except for the "CHRIST-A-MIGHTY, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET A LICENSE?!" it was all kindness. That old guy - what was his deal?

Joker_SATX said...

So? Did you replace your Gas Cap?

goodfather said...

Oh wow, awesome post. I actually tweeted it.

Missy said...

That's what is wrong with me...
I haven't passed my jingle bells! LOL

Fred Miller said...

It was me! I did it!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Now, YOU are off the hook.
Crazy woman...have a beautiful Christmas.
And for heavens sakes, close the darn gas cap!!!!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I think you must have a very sexy gas cap to get so much attention!

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA! The Christmas balls of some people!... Killing all of your spirit like that!

(-:

Christine said...

Oh my. That's hysterical! Especially the elf.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Amazing that so many people would bother to tell you. Maybe it gives them some sense of superiority. Well, at least I'm not driving around with my gas cap off. Who knows?

ModernMom said...

LOL Where are all these helpful people when I need them huh? Quit hogging!
Merry Christmas:)

beth said...

Funny how the Christmas spirit surrounds some people and others are just covered in cold gravy! Keep up the good work!

Kate said...

I found you from Jillsy Girl. I love your site. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

Danica said...

OMG too freaking funny. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile!

Merry Christmas to you!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

All those pervs...lookin' at your gas-hole like that...makin' you nuts...

"Seattle" Heather said...

That is too funny! Love it.

Mixed Reflections said...

I so hate it that this happened to you, but really, it's the closest I've come to laughing all day. And that's damn good. I'm glad you survived the verbal warnings of every freak on the roadway.

Scott said...

That's absolutely hilarious! It always amazes me how far so many drivers go out of their way to point out something amiss on your vehicle--it becomes obvious their motives are selfish, for some bizarre reason (possibly they just want to show how observant they are)!