December 29, 2010

Holidays and Hammock Sex

I'm still Christmasing in Austin where the weather's chilly and rainy. I've enjoyed the family and meet-ups with old friends, as well as lazing around with a glass of Bailey's and a remote in my hands (my version of a yuletide two-fer). I've hardly even cracked open the laptop except to peek at my erotica novella, which has me all blocked up at Chapter Two. I peek, I sigh, I get distracted. What can I say, I'm a virgin at this genre.

But people, I have a chapter to deliver before January 1 and, well, I've got a headache. Please, no cock-block jokes. It hurts my feelings on the same scale as vacuuming up tinsel—an exercise in futility if ever there was one. I once uncovered tinsel in my carpet ten years after I last threw it on a tree. Instead of dragging out the vacuum for the thousandth time, I curled into fetal position.

So today I figured if I got out of the house, some inspiration might hit. I stole away to the local B&N, sipped on a house brew, and reread the first line of Chapter Two where my horny characters discover a secluded hammock in the woods.

"So here we are, just you and me and nature."

Yes, I know. Lame. But it was merely a jumping-off point for the next time I opened the doc. Plus I think ten words in 30 days is real progress, don't you? Actually, my protag wrote it. That bitch was leading me down the path to outdoor nookie. Erotica, remember? It's serious shit that's supposed to make you all hot and bothery. Thing is, after your character discovers a hammock in the woods, the scene devolves into comedy.

A story so often writes itself, you see, and while I've resisted this turn of events, my character is insisting on a roll in the hammock. Probably a roll that reminds her it's not the fall that kills you, but the sudden stop. Peeps, I can't seem to stay away from the slap-schtick. Anybody who knows me will not question this. Is that bad? Perhaps humorous erotica is its own subgenre. Whatever. Hammock sex it is. Once I quit fighting it, I wrangled out another 500 words that renewed my faith in my compositional abilities, filled me with optimism about 2011, and gave me a good giggle (as erotica often does, even without a hammock).

I'm now back at my daughter's house, and here's my one and only Christmas pic, which is me actually keying in this blog post. Booyah! I really am a writer! I'd raise a glass of Bailey's to your happy, safe, and peaceful New Year, but they hid the bottle from me. Still, I send strong vibes that mean the same thing.

Don't forget your black-eyed peas, y'all!
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47 comments:

powdergirl said...

God you've got great hair.

Anytime you need an absolutely filthy...

Scratch that.

Anytime you need topical anecdotes on subjects like hammocks in the woods, or anything remotely related, just send me an e-mail. I can help because deep down, baby, I'm utter trash.

Ciao Bella,

All the very best shit in 2011.

Pastor Sharon said...

Great title for a post. You should get swarms of hits on this one!

I'm with you on the humor of the hammock. Wow, I keep getting these visuals of crash and burn. Or swinging into a tree and ending up with a concussion.

I am sure you are going to make this happen! I've Got confidence in ya, sista!

Cheeseboy said...

Well, this chapter involving a hammock in the woods sounds intriguing. How much do hammocks cost anyway? I have my next birthday gift request for my wife.

Eva Gallant said...

I don't see how sex in a hammock can be anything other than humorous!

Diana Cohen said...

Great to find you!!!

♥ Braja said...

I'm laughing at Sharon's crashing into the tree trunk and getting concussion. Some serious shit can go down with hammock sex. I hear.

Pour me a Bailey's and make sure it's huge with HEAPS of ice

Lori said...

You can do it! As someone that has had hammock sex I don't really know how you could write about it without it being funny. Glad you are getting this time at your daughters house. Enjoy. As 2011 comes creeping in I am absolutely sure you will meet this challange head on! XX

Kristina P. said...

You look like a pro! And slightly intoxicated.

iasa said...

sex in the hammock isn't a normal every day event? shucks, i didn't know that.

Bagman and Butler said...

I could hardly read the post with my head so full of images and laughing at them. And, of course, teh big question: can you have an orgasm while laughing? Bagman is drooling to read your novel. And drooling over your picture. Butler is beating him over the head with a bag of ice cubes.

daisyfae said...

i would read humorous erotica. hell, i've lived it so many times, it'd seem more real to me...

one suggestion - hope that's not a rope hammock. someone can lose an appendage in one of those... humorous erotica probably doesn't include amputation!

Brian Miller said...

nice...a roll in the hammock is not a bad thing at all...just dont fall out..it can be painful...err...not that...oh never mind...stay at it...the story will write itself...birthing is never easy...

Jocelyn said...

OMG, I get lame about reading blogs (because it takes me about six minutes to load a sıngle post, much less the eight minutes it then takes to leave a comment...), and you go and get all erotical on me? LOVE it. My first thought was, "This woman's GOT to write funny erotica, though." Don't tamp down your gifts, baby.

Could the couple maybe head to a hot springs next for me? I mean, Nature and all.

Out on the prairie said...

So a hammock in the woods, and then they find out they are in someones backyard.Hey, so that is who has been using my hammock.

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehee!!! Hammock sex, this Ozark Farm Chick is thinkin' how could this not be hilarious???

Sounds like your well on your way to meetin' that deadline girl.

Have a terrifically blessed day and a very Happy and Creative New Year!!!

That Janie Girl said...

I think if you're tangled up enough and, ummm, attached enough to each other in all the ways that count, that you probably won't hit the floor during hammock sex.

But then again, I live in the land of No. Trees.

Glad you're back in Texas. Wanna swing up to Midland before you head back to the land of Florida Oranges?

GingerJar said...

So when that gets all written, and published up, I need to load it to my nook!

Elly Lou said...

Just bought my black eyed peas and collard greens last night. Now I just need a hammock and some free time.

JoeinVegas said...

So, why not throw some humor into the novel with hammock sex problems. It's a good diversion.

Happy New Year!!

CkretsGalore said...

MMmmm I'm drinking baileys and tea right now.

Sex in a hammock you say? We tried that...it's not very stable. haha

Is black eyed peas a holiday tradionial food there? I've never had them. It's not something you find in Calgary. I would totally be game

meleah rebeccah said...

tinsel is the herpes of Christmas decorations.

Suzy said...

***So here we are, just you and me and nature.***

I'll repeat to you what has been often said to me: SHOW, DON'T TELL!

injaynesworld said...

Hey, that's a great photo of you. Perched under the tree, writing your blog. How perfect. As for the humor erotica genre -- I say go with it. I mean, when you think of it, sex is pretty damn funny anyway.

So glad you had such a wonderful Christmas. May your New Year completely kick butt!

Nana Go-Go said...

You could put `Eat,Pray,Love` to shame! I`m reading it on my new Kindle and I`d find it more convincing if she had started out thoroughly broke and destitute (she says she is but we know she`s not really!a Manhattan apartment?...I ask you!). Can`t wait for your InFragrante version to come out!Happy New Year to you Lovely Lady. xx

Linda Medrano said...

Dang Girl! You are hot! Okay, to the hammock sex. Why don't you try it and see how you like it. I think it sounds risky, but then most of us like risky sex. You know, something with a little edge. Like driving 100 mph and having sex at the same time. Or sex in the confessional (but not with a priest).

Lisa said...

What's funnier than sex? I mean really? Run with it, sister. Run with it.

Breathe said...

Swing with it baby.

Irish Gumbo said...

Slow and steady wins that race, I think :)

I was trying to think of a good Hoppin' John joke here, but couldn't figure out how to link it to a hammock!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Well if you are going the humorous route then I sure hope you made the obvious reference to the guy's banana hammock.

Anonymous said...

Slapstick is fine in erotica. The most important thing is the turn-on. After the guy is satisfied, it's okay if his balls fall through the hammock mesh and get stuck as he snores. But make sure he gets off, first.

Fred Miller said...

That was me who posted as anonymous. I never do that. My pinkie hit the "Enter" button by mistake. I guess I was too aroused.

Heidi said...

You're smart not to suppress your humor. Anxious to read your book when you finish it.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

First things first: You look FABULOUS! I'm not sure we can be friends anymore. (except that I want to read about hammock sex now.)

Happy New Year, K! I hope it brings you all things good....and none of the yucky stuff.

Candice said...

Happy new year!

By the way, hammock sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. . .

Hilary said...

Can sex in a hammock be anything but humorous?

Wishing you and yours the very best for 2011.

Julie said...

I might have a crush on powdergirl now.

Anyway, hammock sex? Dude, I almost broke my back bowling (true story), hammock sex might actually kill me.

Happy New Year, lady!

Amy said...

Got sucked in by the title of this post! Great job!!
Happy New Year to you!

Captain Dumbass said...

Mmm, Bailey's. I was about to comment that sex in a hammock sounds like fun but would probably be a little awkward in practise but then an idea struck me and I"m suddenly wishing I had a hammock. Let me know if you still need some inspiration though I'm sure you've already received plenty of help.

Don Carlo said...

Gosh, your writing gave Fred Miller and aroused 'pinky' and THAT'S why he went 'anonymous'!!

I KNOW I've found myself in the wrong place...I thought the blog title was "Frequent Liar". Oh Well.

OH! Is Bailey your husband? Or just a good friend? Inquiring minds always want to know--grin!

I like your blog. You are funny! And Good! Thanks for letting me carry on here...

Pseudo said...

Happy New Year Liar! Erotica! Hammock sex ; - ) What fun to be had over here. I really don't know why I have been away from the blogs so much with complicated life schtuff. This is so much fun.

Sarah Lulu said...

How will I throw into a sentence ...casually ... "my friend the erotic author" ... hmmmmm

And I once fell out of a hammock under very delicate circumstances!

secret agent woman said...

The black eyed peas didn't work so well for me last year, so I think I need to come up with a new good luck food. Sushi, maybe?

My ex and I had a hammock incident - but I won't go into that here.

Happy New Year!

Melissa said...

Cancer CAN suck it! You have a beautiful family, apparently both inside and out!

Happy New Year!
Melissa

foxy said...

Humorous erotica is not something I've seen a lot of... but you should totally try to make it work. That's basically YOU to a T. :)

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahahaha! You look much too skinny in that photo. I think you need to gain some weight. Will you take some of mine?

Hammock Sex - I know where you can get some practice for that. At least, the hammock part.

And, yes, you are a writer. Don't ever forget that!

FoodMuster said...

How can sex in a hammock be fun!! One will only get some serious motion sickness and now that ain't sexy!!!

Scott said...

Erotica that turns humorous? I think I'd go limp!