February 18, 2011

Reality Check

I apologize for being MIA for so long. I have been utterly absorbed with my move, the day J.O.B., freelance clients/work, and The Bachelor. As a general rule, I refuse to watch so-called reality shows, but I admit, as soon as I got a glimpse of that bitch Michelle and her skanky, back-stabbing ways, I was hooked.

For you virgins, The Bachelor is the bloody gangland shoot-'em-up you can't veer your eyes from. I work my schedule around each week's broadcast with the zeal of Charlie Sheen toward his weekend two-fer: a coke dispenser and a porn star.

Not even ravenous kids could prevent me from plopping my ass in front of the boob tube with a cocktail. "Drink a glass of milk," I say, waving a dismissive hand over my head. "That'll hold you for two hours."

Then comes Brad, he with the bionic wedge of a torso, and his harem of potential wives. I didn't see him the first time he tried to find a wife. That year, he was internationally regarded as the Jesse James of Assholes after saying "I got your back -- NOT!" to his final two bride wannabes. But this year, to my mind, the guy's all right. Hell, he kicked Skanky Michelle off the show last Monday -- FINALLY -- and I couldn't help gyrating deliriously around the room with a bearded dragon on my chest (long story, and he already has a girlfriend who was "sunning" herself in the aquarium).

So Mr. I-Wanna-Say-I-Do has redeemed himself. Plus, he's in therapy, and I have the utmost respect for people willing to open a vein for the sake of becoming a better person. Plus plus, he's an Austinite. And this year, Brad might actually have found true love.

Swoon.

Okay, gotta go. Wipeout is on, and I need a good dose of reality.
.

42 comments:

Irish Gumbo said...

And here I sit, watching American Idol...

Welcome back, doll!

Linda in New Mexico said...

Have missed you...funny one. The Olde Bagg

Kristina P. said...

I am proud to say that Michelle is from my home town of Salt Lake City. We are all that crazy, but a little more modest.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

So funny you compare yourself to Charlie Sheen. LOL!!! It is a guilty pleasure isn't it? I haven't watched it since Trista and Ryan--I guess I missed a lot.

Eva Gallant said...

I watch the Bachelor, too! Who do you think he'll end up with!

mac said...

I don't normally watch it. But, last week I was visiting a friend, and she had it on her TV.

I gotta say, I thought the one with Flava Flave had more integrity ;-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I don't do the Bachelor or Bachelorettes anymore. Too much frustration on how it all plays out.

The Empress said...

Guilty pleasures.

Mine is Modern Family..

Mrsblogalot said...

I haven't watched that show in forever.... and I've felt a chemical imbalance ever since.

JC said...

Too Funny !!!

I watch Brad too. And Michelle, well don't get me started.

Isn't wipe out just too much. We watch it and just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Out on the prairie said...

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I figured you were busy moving, but instead those hollow little hungry eyes are watching life go by. HA!Missing your wit.

Danica said...

I don't watch too much reality TV either. Wipeout cracks me up though. I really want to go on that show. I want to make an ass out of myself!

foxy said...

Oh how I love me some Bachelor. Jason won't put up with it, but I watch it online first thing every Tuesday.

And I'm glad Michelle is long gone!

powdergirl said...

Ew, you said Charlie Sheen out loud. Ew.

If I got a bit of him stuck on the heel of even my favorite shoe, I would burn said favorite shoe, no questions asked.

What were we talking about?

I'm Jane said...

I admit...I haven't watched this at all. I figure I can stay up to speed on all of the important stuff through US magazine - which seems to become orgasmic over both the Bachelor and the Teen Moms.

(Is it wrong to say "orgasmic" and "Teen Moms" in the same sentence?)

Ami said...

Can't. Watch. That. Crap.

Just... can't.

Stupid, narcissitic people just fry my shorts.

And they ARE stupid. Dirt stupid.

On the other hand, it's fun to laugh at them.

Linda Medrano said...

I watched the very first season and I was enchanted. My husband was less enchanted than I. The women were embarrassingly stupid. The man was stupid too. I loved every moment of it. Until the very end. He chose the wrong woman and I was furious. I've never watched it again. Of course, that's all I can say because "America's Next Top Model" is on in a moment. So good to see your pretty face again!

Jimmy said...

Ahhh jaysus... what really goes on in a beautiful, not to mention fragrant, womans mind?

Well?

Brian Miller said...

ha. my boys love wipeout...welcome back

injaynesworld said...

Glad to see you've settled in. I lost interest in The Bachelor after the Firestone kid. Now I'm into all the trashy celebrity rehab shows. Pass the beer.

secret agent woman said...

You know you're not making me miss TV, right? :-)

drollgirl said...

i don't watch that show, but maybe i should!

hope the move is DONE and that you are doing well! :)

have a great weekend!

Jayne said...

So this is what I'm missing. Hmmm. This is the kind of testimonial that sends me to where I don't normally venture. You should forward this post to producers - excellent and funny!
Welcome back to the blogosphere. ;)

slommler said...

I can so relate...as I watch American Idol!! Ha!
Hugs
SueAnn

Shrinky said...

Darn it girl, the only equivalent we have over here is "Farmer wants a wife", and as they are (allegedly) all in-breds on offer, it's hard to tell which is a genuine bitch, or just a run of the mill bona-finde moo-cow plucked from his herd to make up the numbers..

You guys have all the fun.

Captain Dumbass said...

I think having a camera crew follow Charlie Sheen would make for an even better show.

Pearl said...

I'm more of an "Intervention" gal myself, but to each her own!!

:-D

Pearl

That Janie Girl said...

I gotta start watching that show..

SuzRocks said...

I watched the first time he was on- but haven't watched this season except the first episode, which I stated that Michelle was a crazy bitch and everyone would hate her. I'm glad to know I was right!!

Madame DeFarge said...

There are times when I long for the delights of US TV and this might just have become one of them. Good to see you back.

Jeanne said...

Am I the only person left in America who still watches TV shows with plots?

Missy said...

That one crazy bitch has made the whole season worth watching...

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I don't usually watch the bachelor, but I too find myself riveted to its train-wreckness this season! Michelle IS one crazy bitch, isn't she? So glad to see her get the boot! : )

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Can't say that I've watched either show but I'm glad to see you're back! Hope all is well in Texas. Florida misses you.

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Oh man, for a minute I thought I was the bitch Michelle you were referring to, with the skanky, back stabbing ways! Whew! ;-)

ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Haha, I'm glad I found your blog. I've been looking all over for humor blogs and yours seems to be a hit! I love Wipeout, too, so that was a bonus. I'm gonna watch me some Bachelor tonight, though, thanks to your commentary. I will have to see why this guy's on the show twice.

By the way, I'm your newest follower.

ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com

Bejewell said...

Brad Womack used to work out at my gym. We always happened to work out at the same time and somehow ended up on adjacent treadmills a couple of times. We kind of raced, and I won!

(By "happened to work out at the same time" I mean "I totally stalked him and figured out his schedule and showed up at that time.")

(And by "somehow ended up on adjacent treadmills" I mean "I totally stalked him and tripped the old lady on her way to the treadmill next to him so I could get on it instead.")

(And by "I won" I mean "I lost. And also hurt my hip.")

Just sayin'. We're practically best friends!

The Flying Chalupa said...

I've been meaning to stop by for ages, and as a fellow Bachelor-addict, I'm glad I made the trek. Every time Brad speaks I lose another brain cell, but who's listening when he's shirtless, am I right?

And Wipe-Out. That shit is too funny.

Happy Friday.

Bernie said...

I didn't know you had moved back to Texas! How come I don't keep up with other people's blogs enough to know that!:)

I am glad you did go back. I want you to be happy and I don't think you were in Florida. What do I know? Well, you just didn't look like a Floridan to me.

I never watch Bachelor so I cannot relate. I think I watched one episode one time when he gave a rose to somebody. I watch NCIS.

Love the picture of Linda in New Mexico.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Mooner Johnson said...

Fragrant. OK, first, I caught your show at the creative party last night. Your readers need to know that you can read aloud, and [quite] dramatically. What a great time!

Second, I sort of see myself as an older and wiser Brad. With each of my tem failed marriages, I have come closer and closer still to saying, "I don't."

This my first visit and I want to read and catch up.

Mooner Johnson said...

Fragrant. OK, my ADHD is on the fritz and my self-editing skills as well. The word is "ten".

meleah rebeccah said...

Michele was bat.shit.crazy. And now that he FINALLY got rid of her, he might want to consider a restraining order! She's that certifiable.

I totally love this show, but I can;t help but wonder if they pass the Valtrex around like a peace pipe with all that making out going on!