March 8, 2011

Plenty of Fish in the Sea?

People, I signed up for Plenty of Fish again. I know, I am such a glutton for punishment! Why do I do this to myself? I'll tell you why. YOU! I hear it all the damn time, how people met their spouses or soul mates online. And I thought, hey, that could happen to me, right? Maybe I'll actually meet someone who won't send me running for a galaxy far, far away.

Alas, me? I'm the eternal optimist. And when I say optimist, I mean magical thinker. And when I say magical thinker, I mean ridiculously hopeful sap.

Anyway, within an hour of signing on to POF, my inbox filled up. You might think that would be a good thing, but not so much. I like to say I'm discriminating, but really I'm just picky. For a lot of these guys, there's a reason they're still single that has nothing to do with being picky.

I promise you, I'm a serious fan of men and all their uncomplicated charm. But on a dating site, you have three chances to get attention. (1) Your profile. Your self-authored sales pitch. (2) Messages. They're your calling cards, so make them count. (3) Your best, real, recent photo. The real you—hopefully, you from the front, side, back, and shirtless. Heh, totally kidding. Not. (Have you seen Spartacus on Starz? Fan me down.)

So of all the messages in my inbox and all the profiles I reviewed, only two or three really caught my eye. The others . . . Well, you tell me:

1. Mr. I Sat Out Language Arts. Go ahead, call me elitist, but when your one chance to hook me in a profile looks like this:

ladies i dont know want to email pingpong forever just sea if weget along dont drag it out cuz mytime is valable you know it lol what about coffee or a beer instead and then?
. . . and then I'm gonna have to pass.
2. Mr. Socially Awkward. Those inbox messages I mentioned? Oy. Filled—FILLED—with single-line stuff like this:
  • Hey you and me match. I hope you want to meet me. Write me back.
  • I like your profile. Your special. But you have to have things in common I know.
  • I am an acquired taste. A mix of little boy, dominate male, artist, poet, intellectual, and mechanic with a dash of essentricistism thrown in.
  • Hi pretty lady, how's your evening going? Fine I hope.
  • What am I living for, if not for you?
  • Your pretty. LOL. But seriously.
Guys, I need meat. And when I say meat, I mean conversation. And when I say conversation, I mean big people words. How about an adult exchange? That stuff above? That makes me worry you have skinned knuckles and grunt a lot. Come on, what do you really need to know about me?

3. Mr. Love Me for What's Inside. Dude. That won't be a problem, IF I see merit in your profile and IF you show your photo, which is actually #1 in the whole "Pick me!" process. This is the guy who sends you a two-line email about how pretty he thinks you are, but lets a blank blue square be your window into his soul. Why so afraid to reveal yourself? Call me shallow, but I don't buy prime rib I can't see.

4. Mr. I'm Embarrassed about How I've Let Myself Go. Ancient photos of you do NOTHING to tell me who you are now. Same goes for a photo of you taken from across the Continental Divide, where I can't tell if you're a man or a mailbox.

5. Mr. Heavy Petter. Just as useless is the heavy-handed use of your dog(s) photos. I don't care how sweet and lovable your schnauzer is, I'm not going to date him, and he can't sway me to date you.

Plenty of fish in the sea? Depends on if we're counting all the ones ya gotta throw back. (sigh) Now are you feeling my pain? Ladies? It's all your fault.

P.S.  I should mention, I'm not perfect either. I went all Chatty Cathy on a guy, which was outrageously out of character for me. Obviously.


Kalr3 said...

I've used that site. Actually, I ended up dating a delightful, sexy man I thought I would marry...only to find out 6 months into the relationship that he was a felon on parole. Yay me. Yay for quick restraining orders. forgot one... The guy who posts a profile pic of himself with a girl tucked under his arm...only her body is 1/2 cropped out. A little description such as, "Here's me with my sister" would be an asset here. Otherwise, we just think it's a photo of you and your ex girlfriend that she left behind in her haste to get away from you.

Unknown said...

I'm on POF as well and I'm ready to throw the catches all back! I'm serious! I've found exactly the same thing you've found. What is it with guys that are still married but are "going through a divorce" (as of three weeks ago.)

Or the guy that lists all the things that he loves but yet it's all a big lie?

I'm starting to think that maybe I was meant to live my life singally.

Jimmy said...

"Hey you and me match. I hope you want to meet me. Write me back."

Have you any idea how long it took me to write that in the first place?

You never did write me back!

Sueann said...

Ewwww! Dating!!! Gotta be as entertaining as a root canal!
I don't know if I would even bother. It is all so lame and downright scary! I feel your pain.
Good luck

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh dear that had me laughing. So familiar it was, I was squirming hahaha ... Those exact same men also write with Aussie accents. They DO!

The last one that wrote to me said he was going to "Vegas on Monday for a week.".... I live in AUSTRALIA ... he was a dreadful liar.

I'm taking myself off again for a while. GOOD LUCK!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

I absolutely love your post!! How funny and true!! I (actually) found my husband 18 years ago (before the internet) through the personals--so it does happen (we're happy, have 3 beautiful kids). Best of luck and keep us posted!!

daisyfae said...

oh, dear! i've been out there since january, and liken my adventure to something between 'kid in a candy store' and 'stroll through a post apocalyptic WalMart'.

HIGHLY recommend OKCupid - it's also free, and has been compared to " for Nerds".

Some lovely gents out there... fish deeper! and keep posting - i've got a post in the works about how this has gone so far!

Sausage said...

Good luck...
Men - what a conundrum of mistakes we are, sometimes I wonder how any of us are able to attract a women at all but we do???
Good luck with the search

Out on the prairie said...

Just looking at this and the comments makes me shy to try. I had one online I tried and was amazed how many were married, or in their terms, somewhat separated. It was like he is at work or out of town and I am bored.It can be a hard road to travel, we all make up our minds what is needed, and forget it is a accomadating role to lead into a long term relationship.

mac said...

Are you kidding me?
Hot chicks like YOU are on POF?

I was there a while back, but lost interest. A lot of what you menton here, and some other things just left disinterested.
I left it open, maybe I should go back and check it out :-)

Fred Miller said...

I would have thought you might have your blogger men courting you. I'd pursue you if I were single. I have two degrees in the languages arts, by the way. And I work out so much I take ibuprofen daily.

You deserve someone good, Babe. Hang in there!

lisahgolden said...

I think 'uncomplicated charm' is my new favorite phrase.

lisahgolden said...

I think 'uncomplicated charm' is my new favorite phrase.

lisahgolden said...

I think 'uncomplicated charm' is my new favorite phrase.

Gaelyn said...

I've been on Plenty of Fish for years, didn't look at anybody for the last year while living with Mike. None of these sites have done it for me. The guys are desperate! So what's that make me? And really, what are the other options?

How about: I'm only half a man without a woman in my life.

Who the hell wants half a man?

Maybe we should be looking for blog writers who live in our areas. Some of them actually know how to use the language for communication.

Good luck with this! I think I'll stay single.

ellen abbott said...

My BIL married a woman he met through an on-line match-up. I think he got more than he bargained for.

Julie D said...

OMG, I'm have flashbacks of being on that site too. If you remember I used to blog about those whackjobs all the time. Never did meet one worth going out with a second time.

I'm SO grateful to be in a fabulous relationship now! LOL

Unknown said...

Whatever happened to cybersex? Doesn't anyone do that anymore? No need to worry about STDs or birth control, yet almost as satisfying as the real thing. lol

foxy said...

Oh, this should be interesting!! :) I love hearing all your dating stories... I just wish there were more better ones. Then again, the bad ones ARE the funniest. Just not funny for you. We need to find you an effing CATCH.

CkretsGalore said...

Oh those messages bring back memories. Especially the Mr. I Sat Out Language Arts. I definitely don't respond to those who can't even figure out freaking spell check. We're just not going to mash well.

Alexandra said...

Oh, after knowing you, and how funny you are, and cute: i wanna date you.

Red Shoes said...


I've used an on-line dating service before... YIKES!!

Maybe I need to write one of these from a male perspective!!


One woman told me that one of my more endearing qualities was that I had all of my teeth!! I fucking kid you NOT!!!


Linda Medrano said...

Oh, Honey, I know a lot of people who have met though on line services, including my next door neighbor who was widowed a year and a half ago and getting married next month. I've met some fantastic guys blogging, guys who I would date in a moment if I was single, but since I'm married, I still could but boy! Would my husband get mad if I did!

You are gorgeous, smart and funny. I know you'll get the right guy if you put yourself out there long enough.

Mandy_Fish said...

Yep. I met my husband on Match and now we have a little Match baby.

And yes, I had to meet a lot of not-good-matches and oh-my-lord-what-was-I-thinkings before I clicked with my own Mr. Wonderful.

Mandy_Fish said...

P.S. I do miss the stellar blog material of the bad dates.


Silver linings!

ShanaM said...

I actually met MY Guy on Plenty of Fish!!
The one thing I noticed about him right away (besides his cute smile) was his good grammar!!

I never looked at the ones who didn't use proper sentences.

I wrote SO MUCH on my profile that I had to edit as it wouldn't let me post that much!!

Good luck!!

meleah rebeccah said...

"Guys, I need meat. And when I say meat, I mean conversation. And when I say conversation, I mean big people words."


And good luck to you. I am just way too scared to try online dating!

injaynesworld said...

I admire your tenacity. As for me, I really would sooner date the dog. I am so over the dating scene.

Best of luck, my friend. If nothing else I'm looking forward to a lot of great posts out of this.

Nancy/BLissed-Out Grandma said...

You are probably going to hear from every guy on the site, because you are cute and clever and interesting. So you'll have lots of fish to throw back, but just maybe there's one out there somewhere? And meanwhile, great blogging.

Candice said...

My husband pisses me off from time to time, but there's no way in hell I'd want to be single again.

I don't envy you one bit, but good luck with your search. There's got to be a decent man out there somewhere!

John Betcher said...

Love this post. I gotta start hitting the dating sites for humor. Best I get is often in my junk mail filter. You know - "Make more mony. Get an advanced dergee!"

My sympathies are with you in this process. But thank for sharing the laughs.

anon said...

My "How I met my spouse" story would not have had sent you running to a dating site. Unless you're into stalkers? Cause yup! I married my most persistent stalker. The ROMANCE of it all, I know.

An acquaintance of mine does all the dating sites and she posts absolutely gorgeous photo's of herself from 25 years and 50 lbs ago. Time has not been kind to her. She's also a real bitch. If I could stand talking to her, I'd ask about the suitors reaction to the physical misrepresentations. I think thats such a weird thing to do.

Happy fishing, hope you get a few good bites, or at least an ear to nibble.

Jason, as himself said...

Ugh. I know what you mean. I went through this before I met Giancarlo. There are PLENTY of fish, but most of them are losers.

Keep trying until you find that one special fish. And keep posting about it because it is very funny.

Jason, as himself said...

And I love Eva's comment. So much.

Hilary said...

Too funny.. and disturbing. But great blog fodder. Carry on. ;)

Casey Freeland said...

I could give you some good advice here, but you'd probably just think it was me displaying my uncomplicated charm. And what can that be worth, really?



P.S. - Good luck, though, seriously. Just as likely to meet a decent guy here as there.

Anonymous said...

At age 58 I found a woman who thinks I'm wonderful. And I think she is wonderful.

And I'm now 60 and we are pregnant with a boy.

I really thought I was past the age when this happens.

Good luck, good lookin'.

Violet said...

POF? Classic example of getting what you pay for. ;)

secret agent woman said...

I tried POF briefly. Like maybe a week. I was horrified. For all the reasons you mentioned. And went out with only one guy who turned out to be a recovering alcoholic who made snide remarks about me needing "beer googles" when I considered ordering a glass of wine.

Anonymous said...

I met my hubby online. American Singles, and yes... I had to sort through the creeps, but like you could tell from their very first e-mail if they were a fish to be thrown back.

gayle said...

I think if you hang in there you will find one that you don't want to throw back.

Someone suggested checking out bloggers in your area!

Midlife Roadtripper said...

At least it will provide you with some blog material for slow days. I know I wouldn't be brave enough to throw myself out into that sea, but I'm certainly interested in hearing about your catches. Let me know if you want me to go check them out first - you know, take a look and see if you should skip out or not.

rory said...

Holy crap dude.
You're starting to make me think guys suck.

XLMIC said...

I was thinking about a friend of ours while I read this. He is doing and eharmony and we sit around and talk about it EXACTLY the way you just described. He has me and my husband go down the list with him. He, clearly, is not one to pick as he cannot even make his own decisions ;-)

Wishing you the best!

the ginabean said...

Thought I'd check out your blog since you left me a comment on mine. I'm already a fan! This may be one of the best posts I've ever read. EVER! I'm now following...hope that's not too weird for ya. :)

I agree with you on so many points! Bwa ha! Ahhh, MEN!

Nikki Neurotic said...

I've used POF in the past and I've probably experienced every single one of the guys you've mentioned (plus, hey thanks for your interest but I'm so totally above you because I'm A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAN and your profile says that religion is not important to you so piss off).

Anyhoo. I actually did meet someone who, while socially awkward, is actually a really good guy. Took a lot of fishing and throwing back, but you can happen.

*and no, I was not endorsed by POF to comment.*

Michelle Wells Grant said...

AHHH! I'm splitting a gut over this! This is so, so, SO funny! Sorry, maybe not from your perspective, but for us! Lots of guys holding up dead fish, deer and guzzling beer on ski boats? Oh man.

watercolordaisy said...

I seriously sometimes want to tell them the rules for photos:
1. Shower first
2. Clean shirt, not a wifebeater T
3. THEN the photo

watercolordaisy said...

I had best luck with quantity of dates on Best luck of quality of dates on eharmony. Still single though. sigh. I'm a liberal episcopalian in the deep south, though. I'm going to be hard to match, haha.