July 28, 2011

Toe-Chi and the Pedi-Bitches

People, these are serious times. Some major shit is happening in the world, which is why I feel compelled to discuss my toes. I have ten of them, and mostly they look normal. In fact, I was once told by two hunky podiatrists at a Lake Travis marina that I had absolutely beeeuu-tiful feet. Of course, I had on a bikini and they weren't exactly looking down when they said that. Still, I think they look okay.

But because my feet are so sensitive, I avoid drawing attention to them. What if someone decides he simply can't stop himself from petting them? Cuz that is like lighting my ass on fire. Touch the "dogs" and I pretty much teleport to the next galaxy over.

So you can imagine how I feel about pedicures. Those pedi-bitches are all combat on your feet—like ancient toe-chi warfare—scrubbing and rubbing and exfoliating your tender insteps with the zeal of a Canadian seal clubber. Plus, my pedi-bitch speaks zero English. She nods a lot, smiles and giggles at me—all innocent and friendly like—which only prods me to reciprocate in a feeble attempt at polite communication. But what she's really doing is conning me into letting her engage in her Vietnamese torture tactics. She then turns to her cohort doing my friend's pedi and hai-ching-dows something totally gossipy about what a silly, squirmy white girl I am. Obviously, I speak hai-ching-dow, so nothing is lost on me.

Then with my feet in her grasp, the pedi-bitch deftly sets me to writhing and wriggling and recoiling and grimacing. And even though it's consensual? I can't watch. I'm too busy fighting with an industrial-strength massage chair that tenderizes my back into pulpy flank steaks and vibrates my eyeballs with the ferocity of a jackhammer. By the time I get out of that chair, I'm exhausted and a little ready for a barbiturate.

Given my clear aversion to such cruelty, why would I go through this? Simple. My plain jane feet look awesome all dolled up. Something about buffed, polished, shiny toenails that make you feel sexy everywhere else, as if you might use those feet for something, you know, provocative later.

And then someone completely HAWT and utterly kissable recently said he liked "Red, always red." And I thought, hey, that's an invitation . . . Red it is. Plus, that same boy thinks my feet look symmetrical. I'm pretty sure he meant my feet look like a celebrated international rock star's, but he cagily downplayed his—I think we can safely assume—insanely bizarre fetish with the always charming "your feet look symmetrical" card.

To be honest, my feet are not my best feature, but all dolled up they're darn close. Here, have a look at my roomie's and my feet, shown here after a particularly torturous toenail treatment. I'm on the left with an Asian-inspired, diamond-studded black flower on my hallux (that's "big toe"—you had to learn something while you were here).

Note, Roomie's second toe is longer than her hallux. She tells me that's an indication of advanced brain activity. Clearly, I belong on the short bus. But that's okay. My feet are symmetrical, and that's something when there's some serious shit going on in the world.

This was also seen over at Studio Thirty Plus, where we still know stuff
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16 comments:

Cheryl Anderson said...

That is funny shit.....I have not had a pedicure in years. I am going today after school just to feel the shear torture of it all....

Liz said...

Literally laughing out loud!!

daisyfae said...

completely understand the 'pedicure/dire world situation' connection. while the world is going to hell, i've been posting photos of myself in my undies over at my blog...

Captain Dumbass said...

Those are pretty sexy feet.

Yours,
Seal-clubber

Eva Gallant said...

Going over there now!

Linda Medrano said...

Great article! I shared on FB. Love it!

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I sense an influx of foot fetishists finding your site through this post and following you.

Grats on having stellar tootsies. I wish I had a body part that made the opposite sex swoon (or at least, one I could show in public...)

Leesa said...

Next week you should write about the debt ceiling as it relates to brazilian waxes.

Watercolor said...

I have funky toes. Pedi people never comment on them. Well, ok, they DO say "you're done! Pay up front!" but I think they say that to everyone....

SueAnn said...

I love me a good pedicure and manicure too!!
Getting one on Monday coming up
Hugs
SueAnn

meleah rebeccah said...

Your rommies feet are pretty. But, I cannot stop cracking up / laughing at this sentence:

"Those pedi-bitches are all combat on your feet—like ancient toe-chi warfare—scrubbing and rubbing and exfoliating your tender insteps with the zeal of a Canadian seal clubber."

AHAHHAHHAhahahhahahhahahahhahahahahha

secret agent woman said...

I'm glad you explained that your roommate was in the photo - I was wondering how you contorted yourself to get that shot.

I love having my feet touched but find the idea of a pedicure so appalling that I've never had one.

Ann Imig said...

If pedibitch reads you blog you are totally screwed.

Oh, they have translation programs.

That they do.

See you at BlogHer?

Michelle Wells Grant said...

A serious (yet hilarious) topic we can all relate to! Now, what I want to know is .... what does it mean when your 2nd toe curls away from your hallux in a major way? I mean aside from deformity? Cuz I got THAT goin' on!

(And do you and roomie have the same sandals????)

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

HILARIOUS!! My second toe is longer than my big toe--good to know it means something good and not that I'm going to die young. Saw our pedi-bitches on Saturday--I feel exactly the same way--super ticklish and wondering WTF they are saying about me!! Fun blog!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"She tells me that's an indication of advanced brain activity"

Really? Really? I need one of those toes.

Funny post, Liar. I hate having my toed messed with. Probably why mine don't look as nice as yours. However, I did paint mine blue the other. Still need a ShopVac though.