October 2, 2011

Spooning Made Easy

Thanks, Hilary!
People, it's come to my attention that spooning, much like kissing, is highly underrated. Truly, is there anything more fulfilling than getting as close as you can to someone you're supremely attracted to, without having sex?

I mean, let's leave the bennies of coitus and, you know, that "O" thing out of the equation, okay? Spooning is a sacred and intimate, yet entirely innocent, act. Naturally, somebody—not sayin' who—might wanna take advantage and get a little sum'n-sum'n when the parties involved are skin to skin, but that just shows a lack of self control because spooning is the ultimate No Sex Zone. Obviously.

I know, I know, spooning can be complicated. But let's easify, shall we? Because, people, I really want you to try this at home.

First, assume the position, which is "fetal." We don't want to call it fetal because that evokes all kinds of birthing shit; however, pick a side, okay? Just do it, is what I'm saying. You are now the spoonee.

Second, allow your partner to park behind you. It'll be like docking the Enterprise at Deep Space Nine. Let him pull in and get comfy with his chest/belly to your back. Your partner is now the spooner. Together, you are in the Pringles position and must move in tandem to prevent crushing and crackage.

Third, your spooner must employ skills. These are advanced critical thinking (ACT) and total indifference to a really exposed derrière (TIRED) skills. For this mission, one assumes your spooner is so equipped. Here are the logistical considerations, in order, for successful spooning:

  • ACT TIRED One. Does he drape his arm across your waist? Your hip? Your shoulder? Depends on where he intends to place his hand.
  • ACT TIRED Two. To cup your boob or not. That is the question. Or hold your hand? Or tuck his hand under your belly? Or somewhere else, which I can't imagine. At all. Positioning depends on your self-esteem and whether or not you have a headache. You must guide your spooner's hand to the proper coordinates.
  • ACT TIRED Three. Does he wedge his knees behind your knees? Or drape a leg over your hip? Or attempt to "basket weave" your legs with his? May I say, Dude, wedgie every time. Anything else, and somebody gets hurt. Seen it before.
  • ACT TIRED Four. Does he cradle his chin in the crook of your neck? Or bury his nose in your hair? Unless you're Hallie Berry, you must wrangle your coif neatly to the side so it doesn't tickle his nose, causing him to jerk upright, slap his own face, and roll over.
  • ACT TIRED Five. What does he do with his other arm? Really, do you even care? It's the placebo, looks real but adds zippity-doo-dah to the experience. Your spooner can just lay on it or something.
  • ACT TIRED Six. Is his little guy willing to stand down? This is the crux of spooning. Little guy has to go to sleep for spooning to work properly. Otherwise, the TIRED act is just a sordid ruse that you fell for; and next thing you know, spooning turns to forking which is a whole 'nother post.
And there you are, spooning easified. You're welcome.
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40 comments:

Suzy said...

I'm trying to think WHERE you would get the inspiration to write a post like this.

Come on Suzy, THINK.

xo

Lost.in.Idaho said...

As a spooner, my spooning often leads to forking, initiated by the spoonee (or spooned, as it were).

That being said, when I want to be close, my arm usually come in around the middle, putting my hand on her chest. I like between the breasts, because it connects with the heartbeat but isn't too forward.

Spooning is an art, not a science. It takes practice.

Eva Gallant said...

Love spooning; great post.

Kristina P. said...

That pug picture is so cute!I am not a huge spooner. I like laying on my husban's chest, but that's about it.

Jeanne said...

Hand has to go across the hip--any other place and the weight of his arm makes my spine hurt.

Of course, I'm generally good for about two minutes of spooning, max, before I holler, "Hot flash! You're giving me a hot flash! Get away from me!"

Which kind of breaks the mood.

Everyday Goddess said...

Spooning always leads to forking.

In my experience.

Irish Gumbo said...

One of the things I enjoy most about FL is how easy it is to learn stuff here. Very educational, I see what you did there, getting us all smartified and stuff without us realizing until later :)

But did you have to say 'little' guy? Now I have to go talk some confidence into him ;)

Irish Gumbo said...

Also, can this lead to "sporking"?

injaynesworld said...

The only spoon I care about is the one I dip in a carton of ice cream. ;)

Karen said...

Ohh I love what Lost in Idaho said. Wow. Lucky her, whomever she is. *sighs*. I wish comments had a "like" button. Hehe :)

And the best thing about spooning leading to forking, it usually means there's a meal in there somewhere and that is the best thing ever. :)

Oh, and this made me snort my wine out my nose... "you must wrangle your coif neatly to the side so it doesn't tickle his nose, causing him to jerk upright, slap his own face, and roll over." LOL!!

Great post!!

Karen said...

*giggles at Irish Gumbo* hehe

Casey Freeland said...

My love will simply say, "Spoons!" That's all I need to assume the position and hold her in my everything. If you don't spoon, you need to spoon. That is all.

Casey

SueAnn said...

Ha!!! You had me Laughing Out Loud this A.M.!!! I loved this post!!
And I too love spooning!! So romantic!
Hugs
SueAnn

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

J and I spooned alot before we got married. We both didn't want to fork before we got married. That decision was great because we concentrated on hearing each other's heartbeat and enjoying the closeness of one another. I was usually the spoonee until the "manly" part came poking great post!

Brian Miller said...

i rather like docking the enterprise...but that does not sound like spooning...

daisyfae said...

i'm not a frequent spooner, or spoonee. unless you count me being big spoon to my dog as little spoon...

mac said...

That spare arm can be a nice headrest for the spoonee. If not, the spooner can curve it for his own pillow.


I think a spooning works better after a couple of forkings.

Red Shoes said...

I LOVE spooning!!!!!!!!!!!! and EVERYTHING that it leads to!!!

~shoes~

Jocelyn said...

I'm all about the boob cup. Don't tell my mother.

Shrinky said...

I USED to spoon, but these days I find it makes me lose the place in the book I'm usually reading.. (shrug)

Great post!

Michelle Wells Grant said...

I know not of these things.

origa-me said...

I'm worried where this cutlery analogy is going........Glad I found your blog.

Stephanie Harsh said...

Blame my cynical side, but I'm of a mind that spooning is better in theory. Just like forking in the shower. Sure, it seems like fun... but is actually quite uncomfortable and, let's face it, water just isn't the lubricant one would hope for.

meleah rebeccah said...

The cats spooning & those pugs spooning - might be the cutest photos I've ever seen!

And I'm with Jayne. The only spooning I do these days is with a container of ice cream!

Pat said...

I love spooning on a cold night.....when it's hot or I'm having a hot flash.....forgetaboutit! I LOVE when spooning leads to forking, but lately the cafeteria is closed - on my husband's part!

Hilary said...

You're a hoot.. thanks for the laughs. :)

secret agent woman said...

Love spooning. Either direction. Legs curved into mine or the basket weavey thing. Arm draped over me and hand on a breast or on my hip. If I'm the spooner, hand in the chest hair or on his hip. And if it leads to sex, bonus!

Captain Dumbass said...

I cannot ignore TIRED.

Anna Lefler said...

Spooning rules! And I love these photos.

*runs off to find dog*

XOXO

Anna

holdingmoments said...

Great post. Gave me a much needed laugh.
And congrats on POTW.

Pearl said...

No spoons for me.

Sigh.

Pearl

beth said...

I had spooning lions on my blog just yesterday! Crazy minds think alike? Impressive breakdown of the spooning techniques!

The Kid In The Front Row said...

The female definition of spooning is incorrect.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Moannie said...

Loved loved loved this, as a spoonie I'm nodding my head like a Churchill Bulldog. And just love those pups.

SassyModernMom said...

I'm with the girls here. Spooning comes with strings....leads to forking:)

Lisa said...

Oh my god, the extra arm. The debates we've had about what to do with the extra arm.

Which is key to keeping that other appendage quiet.

Suldog said...

They both have their place (spooning and forking, I mean.) And, yes, your proposed amendment (gargantua) is much appreciated by we of the male persuasion :-)

Clare Dunn said...

Oh, my.

Came here from Hilary's, and was expecting pretty, flowery photographs. Instead, I got to ROTFLMAO!

IMHO: Spooning is better 35+ years after the ceremony.

xoxoxo, cd