July 22, 2012

Warning to New Moms, Or, How I Asked For It

I have four daughters, and I always encouraged an open and candid communication exchange with them. We actually talked about stuff when they were growing up—highly personal stuff. That's how I gained a freakish knowledge of all things catty, hormonal, and melodramatic. While not for the faint of ego, this up-frontness takes a whole lot of complications OUT of the mother/daughter dynamic. Now that they're adults, saying pretty much whatever comes to mind is an ingrained practice. All topics, including the bat-shit crazy, gory, juicy details, are fair game. I know this isn't every mom's cup o' whiskey, but I prefer it. Let that be a lesson to you.

Take my 29-year-old, who feels competent and entitled now to pay back all the sage dating and relationship advice I gave her, lo those many moons ago when she was still sneaking smokes in the garage, ditching first period, and pretending to have cramps. I was on a "first" date the other night, when she texted me and told me to "do" something to him, which I cannot actually repeat here because MY mother reads this blog, and well, she is a little more old fashioned about conversations concerning men and sex. Anyway, I later replied to my daughter, and the convo went like this:

Me:  You're gross.

Daughter:  U did it, didn't u??!! LOL

Me:  My lips are sealed. (A) because you don't really want to know, since I'm your mother, and (B) because, well, see A.

Daughter:  LOL. I know we are past the mother/daughter privacy thing, so I have to assume it was all rated "G". Booooooooo.

Me:  Yeah, it was all G. Except when he . . . and then I . . . and then he . . . which made this thing happen . . . and then OMG! PLUS, then he did . . . and so I couldn't help myself, and I . . . Well, it's all too much to put in a text message. Let's just say it was, um, not G.

Daughter:  So in other words, he kissed u goodnight and u like him a lot. Glad I had a good time, Disney. LOL.

Me:  He sure did kiss me goodnight. He likes to say goodnight. I mean, he could not stop saying it. And pretty soon I thought, if he doesn't stop saying goodnight, somebody's gonna be saying good morning!

Daughter:  So UR the Disney whore.

Sigh. Your efforts to actively engage your children WILL come back on you like a well-chugged cerveza. Still, for me, it does feel good to be able to express myself to loved ones, knowing they will return the favor when they need to confide something important or just express something outrageously inappropriate. See, I don't judge them nor make them feel like total idiot savants for offering their unsolicited and misguided opinions, which I do accept wholeheartedly, out of pure unconditional love. And it's what makes being a mom so fun.

Just think, my daughter's probably passing all my parental wisdom down to her own two daughters right now. Aaahhh, let me just sit back and bask in the sunny glow of my greatest accomplishments.

Love you, Critter.
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20 comments:

red.neck chic said...

I am cracking up... my Mom would have a heart attack. That's after she learned how to text.

And... I'm slightly jealous that you got to say "goodnight"... a few times. LOL I would like just ONE "goodnight"! geesh...

:) robelyn

Gaelyn said...

Awesome passing on of motherly tricks and advice. Wish I could have had a Mom like you.

Goodnight. ;)

Suzy said...

If there isn't a great kiss goodnight on the first date, there's usually bad sex involved later.

I wish I hadn't learned that the hard way.

Bella said...

you Disney ho you! funny!

Red Shoes said...

LMBO!!!

I have these same exact conversations with my kids... your daughter and my son are the same age... and seem to be cut from the same cloth! Some of the things he will ask and say!!!

~shoes~

Eva Gallant said...

I loved this post, because I have a similar relationship with my sons! They are 39 and 40 and still my greatest joys!

Brian Miller said...

smiles....i am someone what scared by the conversations i have with my parents when i was around that age...if my kids have the same...yikes....

disney....no comment...smiles.

Chris H said...

LOL that is so funny!

Ann Imig said...

I can't wait to know my kids as adults--after all, that's the majority of the years we'll know them (knock wood).

Oh and, rrrrrawwwr!

daisyfae said...

i have had to prepare my dates for the moment they meet one of my children... because they have the potential to say nearly ANYTHING. at least your daughter didn't sit on your front porch when he brought you home cleaning the guns...

Murr Brewster said...

Brother. If only. I remember not quite having the gumption to ask my mom for some more sanitary napkins and recycling the one I had with wads of toilet paper. You think we could have texted like that?

SueAnn Lommler said...

What a great communicational exchange!!
Loved it!
Ha
Curious...did you ssy good night or good morning? Ha
Hugs
SueAnn

Irish Gumbo said...

Oh, crikey...

My daughter will be eight this year, and she will always be eight, right?

Do you know how hard it is to hyperventilate into a paper bag AND stick fingers in your ears going *LALALALALAICANTHEARYOUUUU!!!*

Damn near impossible ;)

(but good on ya!)

meleah rebeccah said...

You have FOUR daughters?

*faints*

How did I NOT know that already?

Also, one of my dearest friends Jennifer has 4 daughters, and I have NO IDEA how she does it.

Anyway…

Your conversation with your daughter = BEST CONVO EVER! And I am totes calling you the "Disney Whore" from now on.


PS: I am very lucky to have that kind of relationship with my mom too. We can and DO talk about ANY and EVERYTHING. Nothing is off limits. And I think that's the way it should be!

Secret Agent Woman said...

My older son is only 18, but he is remarkably open with me about his personal life. And I am... less so. He's not at an age where he really wants to hear it!

drollgirl said...

she called you Disney! that is hilarious!

and i am glad to hear you are dating again! i hope you find a keeper! until then, i hope you enjoy the dating process! :)

Jeanne said...

My daughter and I do NOT have such open communication, so it totally amazed me when I asked if she was a boob girl and she admitted she was more about asses.

The Girl Next Door said...

I thought I was laughing hard, then I read "Disney Whore" and totally lost it. LOVE your relationship with your girls.

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squatlo said...

Funny post! My own daughter (now very adult, thank you Jebus) has become a writer, and sometimes her stories are, well, how do I say this? Adult in nature? She's written (so far) about necrophelia, biological pandemic, a hooker living behind a gas station in Alabama, and a novel about a war between all of the gods mankind has invented so far. Needless to say, I spend a lot of my time wondering what in the hell we did to her warped little mind as a child to inspire such subject matter...
Keep the lines of communication open with your daughters, it sounds like a mother-lode of blobber material in the future!

bob