July 2, 2012

Where in the World is FL?

Maybe you're thinking right now, what the hell happened to that damn Fragrant Liar? Which would be rude, because I would never use your name in vain, probably, but whatever. I get it. You're no doubt mad at me. And to that I say, Get in line.

Other than ensuring that the people who love me most can shake their heads and yell all Cher-like, "Snap out of it!", mostly I've been reflecting on and reconstructing—and deflecting and deconstructing—the last year, in which I invested considerable time and energy to a lost cause—precious and perfect though he was to me. Am I richer now, or poorer because of it?

Wasting a whole year of your life saps tremendous energy, leaving you little more than a shadow of your former self, which would be ideal for Halloween, but not so much for bikini season. But I'm not thinking it was wasted. Loving someone completely can never be a waste, though mostly the sting of loss prevents me from feeling much else—other than cravings for sappy rom-coms, pizza, and Corona. And frogs. Maybe if I kiss enough frogs, it won't sting anymore.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. For some, it cripples their emotional capacity and facility for love, and even someone who loves them beyond measure can't save them from themselves—though not for lack of trying.

Sometimes, he is the caliche to your monsoons, and your rich nutrients just can't seep deeply enough to oxygenate—or resuscitate—what lies beneath. Sometimes, even though he has every single piece of you—every. single. piece—you have to find a way to get you back.

I'm still looking for a way. But I am still here. If only it wasn't bikini season.
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27 comments:

Violet said...

I am, sad to say, a few steps behind you. I haven't been able to let go yet but I know it's coming. Your words could be my words (except I am avoiding rom-coms at all cost and I am a whiskey girl, not Corona). I understand your pain.

We are richer AND poorer for it. You will get you back. And I will get me back. At least enough to feel almost whole.

Donna Hosie said...

This post made me all kinds of sad. Hang in there.

Erika said...

Bittersweet post, but with a marvelously unique metaphor: "he is the caliche to my monsoon". I *get* that. Sighing for you.

Stephanie said...

Sending hugs....and virtual chocolate.

Suzy said...

And all this time I thought maybe it had worked out.

I've been there, we've all been there. It's taken me a little under 10 years to get myself back from the last one I loved. The only one I loved out of oh so many.

I never thought I'd see me again.

Brian Miller said...

smiles....hang tight...it could be worse...you could have no power and no air condition and thus be forced to walk around in said bikini in public just to try staying cool...and get really sunburnt...ok i really did not wear a bikini but it is almost hot enough for me to try...ha...hugs FL

Red Shoes said...

Are you richer or poorer?

You are both...

Investing a year in a relationship isn't the same in our twenties or thirties... It changes when we are in our forties and fifties...

I think a year is more significant then... a greater investment of our time and hearts.

I got to go to Europe here recently, and while in Brussels, I found a photo of a woman with whom I've been involved for a while now in the arms of another man... on his FaceBook page... ouch!

How long had this been going on?

We never know the answers as to why...

We pick up the pieces and move forward.

~shoes~

Gaelyn said...

Sorry he didn't work out. Yet I'm guessing you've learned a lot in the last year. Better luck next time. And bikini season is perfect for being out there looking, and looked at.

Irish Gumbo said...

It is good to hear from you, FL. And just so you know, you taught me a new word (caliche). Thank you!

Well, now, I'm sorry to hear that something has caused you unhappiness, but take all the time you need to find that way back.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Well, it is bikini season so remember to bring your size -32 bikini for next Monday. When you plop your tiny self into your float and disappear next Ms Size 16, you vill be very happy girl. That's why you have to bring lunch. - no bread or pasta please. Wine or beer accepted.

Murr Brewster said...

I don't know how you could have wasted a year unless you spent it trying to be someone else, or be subsumed by someone else. I'm sorry. The only time I felt I wasted a year (in retrospect) was when I drank it away, and it was more like fifteen years.

Christine Macdonald said...

you and I are cut from the same cloth these days, aren't we?

I applaud us both for being brave enough to put our hearts out there and even stronger to know when to leave.

It's never a waste of time - you earned the knowledge and learned the lessons.

upward and onward.

xo

CiCi said...

Try doing the same thing after seven years with your soul mate, the greatest love of your life. I sympathize with your loss and know you will continue to heal and grow stronger and in the end you will surround yourself in joy and happiness.

Pearl said...

Ahh, but I can relate, FL.

Come back. Write it out.

Pearl

SueAnn Lommler said...

It is hard to pick oneself up and mover foreward!! I am so sorry that you have been hurt so!!
Gently hugging you
SueAnn

injaynesworld said...

Girlfriend, at my ripe, old, post-menopausal age I've learned that men are simply accessories -- like a great pair of earrings, or a fabulous bag. You are the dress and you are so awesome, that you don't really need any accessories. But they're fun, so enjoy them as such. Just remember, the dress can stand all by itself just fine.

Eva Gallant said...

I suspected you might have been hijacked by a cowboy...sounds like I wasn't too far off the mark. Sorry it didn't end well, but I'm sure at some point he'll be a pleasant memory. Welcome back; we've missed you. And hugs to you!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I thought this was about finding Florida.

Linda Medrano said...

Girl, I'm so sorry you are hurting. But rather than be sad about hurting, be glad you had something you cared enough to hurt about.

That said, you are beautiful, charming, smart and have a lot to offer the right person. He's out there. Be patient. And be good to you! You deserve to be happy. And I'm sure you will be.

drollgirl said...

hang in there, girl. it will get better. i don't want to even tell you how long it took me to get over my ex. sometimes i still think of him, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore, and i know ultimately we would not have been right for each other. i hope you find peace, love and fun with another man soon. or when you are ready. :)

meleah rebeccah said...

He's a damn fool. And you are loved by me, so there.

Break ups suck. Period. And my last one is probably why I haven't been on a single date in two years. I just don't have the strength.

Sending you many hugs.

Hilary said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out, FL. Loving someone is never a waste of time. It's good for your own soul and when your mind is clearer, you'll recognize all that you've learned from that how that year was spent. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hugs to you.

daisyfae said...

ouch. dark chocolate and red wine cover the blood stains...

Cheryl Anderson said...

I am sorry Baby it sounds as though youv'e had a rough time this past year. I have not had the same experience as you but after losing 9 people this last year I know how hard it is to pull yourself up by the boot straps

Humberto Dib said...

Great blog, I liked it much!
Cheers from Argentina.
HD

Karen said...

It sucks. There just isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. It's better to have loved and lost blah blah. You know it all. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. One day you'll wake up and realize you've gone two hours without thinking about him. Eventually four hours, a whole day, etc. Hang in there, lady. Big hugs.

Candice said...

Chin up, girl! Easier said than done, I know.