I Need a Pop-Up

If there's one thing I'd change about dating sites, it's the pop-ups. Actually, it's the lack of them. I'm just sayin', a girl could use some helpful screeners—intuitive little truth-telling identifiers—to aid in the "should I or shouldn't I" process.

Boys, there's an itty bitty issue with some of your advertising, and I'm not talking about your snackpack. See, I value upfrontness. Unfortunately, some stuff that's not in your profile is actually quite important but gets buried behind the really big questions like, Do you have a car? So I just got to thinking, what if we girls could do Q&A that a magical pop-up screener could then dissect for us BEFORE we go on a date with you? All we'd have to do is decide if we're okay with your real truth. Sweet. Can someone invent this for me?

To plead my case, here are just a few random pop-ups that would have saved me a lot of trouble recently:

Me: You say you only date one woman at a time and expect me to do the same, but what you really mean to say is:

1. I get first dibs.
2. I want to elope with you right after dinner.
3. I fear failing miserably by comparison to any other man on the planet, except Todd Akin.
4. I'm secretly a big nerd and would do anything to get in your pants.

Me: When you said you were five feet six inches, were you thinking that fell within the 3" margin of error?

1. Wha-what?
2. Wow, you're a girl AND you do math?
3. Ptthp. I've got something else that's longer.
4. What height works to get me in your pants?

Me: If I let you kiss me, what will it feel like?

1. Your pillow. I can't help it.
2. A honey badger. I can't help it.
3. A slimy squirmy sea snail. I can't help it.
4. Who said anything about kissing, I just want to get in your pants. I can't help it.

Me: When you say you have no strong political stance, what you really mean is:

1. All libs are unpatriotic, immoral pagans who talk bad about poor rich people, the NRA, and sadly misunderstood major corporations.
2. I can't wait to take you to the next Newt rally!
3. Rush, Hannity, Colter, Bachmann and Bachmann's rainbow posterboy hubs should fill the next presidential cabinet—OH YEAH!
4. A vote for me is a vote for getting into your pants!

Me: You didn't mention your T-level, but I'm gonna need clarification on which team you play for.

1. Fabulous that you noticed, but I'm, like, totally so male.
2. Just cuz I said "Fabulous" five times in five minutes while gesturing and giggling like a centurion in a Roman bath house, does not mean I don't love boobs and vaginas.
3. Betcha my male anatomy can still give you a fabulous salute.
4. Know what would be fabulous? If I could still get in your pants.

Sigh.

There. The defense rests.
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