August 23, 2012

I Need a Pop-Up

If there's one thing I'd change about dating sites, it's the pop-ups. Actually, it's the lack of them. I'm just sayin', a girl could use some helpful screeners—intuitive little truth-telling identifiers—to aid in the "should I or shouldn't I" process.

Boys, there's an itty bitty issue with some of your advertising, and I'm not talking about your snackpack. See, I value upfrontness. Unfortunately, some stuff that's not in your profile is actually quite important but gets buried behind the really big questions like, Do you have a car? So I just got to thinking, what if we girls could do Q&A that a magical pop-up screener could then dissect for us BEFORE we go on a date with you? All we'd have to do is decide if we're okay with your real truth. Sweet. Can someone invent this for me?

To plead my case, here are just a few random pop-ups that would have saved me a lot of trouble recently:

Me: You say you only date one woman at a time and expect me to do the same, but what you really mean to say is:

  1. I get first dibs.
  2. I want to elope with you right after dinner.
  3. I fear failing miserably by comparison to any other man on the planet, except Todd Akin.
  4. I'm secretly a big nerd and would do anything to get in your pants.
Me: When you said you were five feet six inches, were you thinking that fell within the 3" margin of error?
  1. Wha-what?
  2. Wow, you're a girl AND you do math?
  3. Ptthp. I've got something else that's longer.
  4. What height works to get me in your pants?
Me: If I let you kiss me, what will it feel like?
  1. Your pillow. I can't help it.
  2. A honey badger. I can't help it.
  3. A slimy squirmy sea snail. I can't help it.
  4. Who said anything about kissing, I just want to get in your pants. I can't help it.
Me: When you say you have no strong political stance, what you really mean is:
  1. All libs are unpatriotic, immoral pagans who talk bad about poor rich people, the NRA, and sadly misunderstood major corporations.
  2. I can't wait to take you to the next Newt rally!
  3. Rush, Hannity, Colter, Bachmann and Bachmann's rainbow posterboy hubs should fill the next presidential cabinet—OH YEAH!
  4. A vote for me is a vote for getting into your pants!
Me: You didn't mention your T-level, but I'm gonna need clarification on which team you play for.
  1. Fabulous that you noticed, but I'm, like, totally so male.
  2. Just cuz I said "Fabulous" five times in five minutes while gesturing and giggling like a centurion in a Roman bath house, does not mean I don't love boobs and vaginas.
  3. Betcha my male anatomy can still give you a fabulous salute.
  4. Know what would be fabulous? If I could still get in your pants.

There. The defense rests.


Gaelyn said...

You have to laugh. Or you'd always be crying. ;)

Sueann said...

Ha!! That is so the truth! Men!!
Enough said!
Good luck

Unknown said...

You are too funny! lol

Hilary said...

You need a pop-up and evidently the guy who keeps answering #4 has that for you.

Anonymous said...

one of the best screening tools i developed: if the ONLY photos he posts are self-portraits, either taken in his bathroom mirror, at arms length in his car, or with the lovely blue glow of his computer monitor? that means he has NO FRIENDS, NO FAMILY, and WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOU INTO A GIRL SUIT (after getting into your pants, of course).

good luck. there are some delicious gents out there, though! still hanging out with one of the fellas i met over a year ago!

Linda Medrano said...

I have to laugh. It's not just the boys who take some liberties with the online profile bits. My girlfriend, a Jewish woman who practices her religion, puts "spiritual but not religious", gives herself an income of $100,000 (when it's more like $35,000), and declares a college degree (high school diploma), and switches her age from 43 to 37.

"Bella" said...

Yep, its over before it got started, damn.

Irish Gumbo said...

I don't know if I can offer a solution, but I do wish you good luck :)

Pearl said...

They should come with translators, some of them. :-)


Jono said...

At least the guy answering number 4 was honest. Not much else, but honest.

drollgirl said... needs to hire you! omg. you have reminded me how bad it is out there. at least sometimes you get a laugh out of it!

Ann Imig said...

God speed, lady.

Brian Miller said...

a sea snail....ewww.....
um, kinda glad i dont have to go through this you know....

Anonymous said...

There should totally be a question about criminal background on there as well. You know. To weed out the ex cons.

TK Kerouac said...

Keep plugging, you will find that needle in the haystack!

Patricia said...

I think there should be a psychological profile to weed out psychopaths. However since they can pass a lie detector test, they could probably pass that too.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Boys, there's an itty bitty issue with some of your advertising, and I'm not talking about your snackpack."

That made me laugh SO hard, I choked!

CiCi said...

This is interesting. Fun for me to watch you in the dating hell, sorry for you for what you have to pick from, but oh so glad for me that I am not going back into the dating hell. My divorce was final in April and I have no plans or inclinations to get back out there. But I thank you for your posting truth and nothing but the truth. In a humorous way. Sorta. And I wish you luck, even though luck has nothing to do with it. I admire your strength and willingness to be back into dating hell.

Marcheline said...

Hoping to meet Prince Charming on a dating site is kind of like hoping to win the lottery. It could happen, but most likely won't.

My husband and I have two or three single male friends who constantly complain that they can't find their dream girl on dating sites... and what are they doing? Sitting on their asses eating potato chips in front of the computer. Not exactly living up to the expectations that a fantastic, vibrant woman would be looking for in a man...

I've told them that if they spent their time being the kind of person they were looking for, they wouldn't be looking. But they shrug, and continue to click, click, click - and the clock continues to tick, tick, tick. It's sad, really.

red.neck chic said...

LMBO! dating hell!!! it's HELL!!!

Secret Agent Woman said...

Agh. I've done my share of online dating, and there is so much lying out there it's astounding. But some good guys, too.

TK Kerouac said...

Did you find the one?