I Need Direct Guidance

Most of you know I'm a big proponent of the Law of Attraction, which says that whatever you're putting out into the Universe, you're attracting back to you—the good and the bad. So far, no sign of a silver-tipped Brad Pitt but, hey, maybe I'm too askeered of Angie to allow him to enter my space. (Or am I? . . . Come to me, Brad.)

Anyhoo, the steps are Ask, Believe, and Receive. And it's the Receiving part that's tricky. See, it's up to me to recognize the gifts and opportunities when they arrive—for instance, potential dates—and to act on them. Which is the whole problem: it's up to me. Cuz what if these gifts and opportunities aren't so clear cut? How do I know if I'm missing something good, or glomming onto something awful that only seems awesome? I totally did that once with a cheesecake. I mean, how do I really know for sure?

I think what I need is Universal GPS, some guy speaking with authority on behalf of the Universe who guides me with a British accent to my glorious bounty. He can sit on my shoulder and instruct me.

Like when I meet a guy who's not good for me, my UGPS would say: "Depart now. Travel straight ahead for 5 miles. Don't stop to second-guess. I said don't stop!"

When Mr. Goodtime is near, UGPS would say: "Turn left in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Right there! Pinch his ass! Not that one. THAT one!"

When I've missed an opportunity, but there's still hope, UGPS would say: "Turn around when possible. Use your power for good:  flash your boobs."

To avoid that guy I broke up with via text, UGPS would say: "Turn left, then right, then left, then right, then duck into a Baskin-Robbins. What? Where was I? Oh, looky there! Pralines and Cream!"

When I only have a first impression to make something happen, UGPS would say: "In ten seconds, hold in your stomach, stand like a 'ho, and suck on your middle finger." (Heh, like I would ever be so gauche. Again.)

When I'm supposed to notice someone, my UGPS would say: "Hel-l-o-o-o, girl, are you not paying attention to that fine specimen?" (Okay, he's British and flamin'.)

Or when my Forever Man is right in front of me, UGPS would say: "You have arrived at your destination. Don't fuck it up."

See, I need direct guidance. Cuz otherwise, how will I know for sure?
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Blogger! Seriously? You dumped a bunch of my comments! And just when my homies and I were makin' a whole lotta noise! You OWE me, Blogger!
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