May 11, 2011

I Need Direct Guidance

Most of you know I'm a big proponent of the Law of Attraction, which says that whatever you're putting out into the Universe, you're attracting back to you—the good and the bad. So far, no sign of a silver-tipped Brad Pitt but, hey, maybe I'm too askeered of Angie to allow him to enter my space. (Or am I? . . . Come to me, Brad.)

Anyhoo, the steps are Ask, Believe, and Receive. And it's the Receiving part that's tricky. See, it's up to me to recognize the gifts and opportunities when they arrive—for instance, potential dates—and to act on them. Which is the whole problem: it's up to me. Cuz what if these gifts and opportunities aren't so clear cut? How do I know if I'm missing something good, or glomming onto something awful that only seems awesome? I totally did that once with a cheesecake. I mean, how do I really know for sure?

I think what I need is Universal GPS, some guy speaking with authority on behalf of the Universe who guides me with a British accent to my glorious bounty. He can sit on my shoulder and instruct me.

Like when I meet a guy who's not good for me, my UGPS would say: "Depart now. Travel straight ahead for 5 miles. Don't stop to second-guess. I said don't stop!"

When Mr. Goodtime is near, UGPS would say: "Turn left in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Right there! Pinch his ass! Not that one. THAT one!"

When I've missed an opportunity, but there's still hope, UGPS would say: "Turn around when possible. Use your power for good:  flash your boobs."

To avoid that guy I broke up with via text, UGPS would say: "Turn left, then right, then left, then right, then duck into a Baskin-Robbins. What? Where was I? Oh, looky there! Pralines and Cream!"

When I only have a first impression to make something happen, UGPS would say: "In ten seconds, hold in your stomach, stand like a 'ho, and suck on your middle finger." (Heh, like I would ever be so gauche. Again.)

When I'm supposed to notice someone, my UGPS would say: "Hel-l-o-o-o, girl, are you not paying attention to that fine specimen?" (Okay, he's British and flamin'.)

Or when my Forever Man is right in front of me, UGPS would say: "You have arrived at your destination. Don't fuck it up."

See, I need direct guidance. Cuz otherwise, how will I know for sure?
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Blogger! Seriously? You dumped a bunch of my comments! And just when my homies and I were makin' a whole lotta noise! You OWE me, Blogger!

32 comments:

daisyfae said...

i keep rolling no matter what. collecting the good 'waypoints' as "favorite destinations - must return!", and permanently blocking the bad coordinates, marking those as "NOT EVEN AT GUNPOINT!"

happy travels, sister!

Red Shoes said...

I've had the same problem... I blame it on my partially being so fucking naive... and another part, fearful of being hurt again...

And so it goes...

~shoes~

Suzy said...

Of all the areas in life that are out of our control, love is the most prominent. I've never had a relationship with a man, and I mean NEVER, when I was looking.

Like that errant bee on the beach that ruins a perfectly good picnic, they show up when you don't want them. And more importantly, when you don't need them. It's the Universe's cruel joke.

I too believe in the law of attraction but if you ain't attracting? Unfinished business on your end.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Why does this sound so familiar? Right now, I'm dating a dream guy. He is everything I wanted and asked for. I actually didn't go out looking for him; he found me. I think you'll KNOW for sure.

I used to say that my next husband would be the one that I drop a book on either his head or his foot. So far, that hasn't happened but t's still early!:) Hang in there! He's on his way!

slommler said...

Ahhh! The thrills of dating and finding mister right! Yuck! I feel your pain.
My guidance system was prayer, and guts!! In that order!!!!!!
Hugs
SueAnn

formerlyonlyamovie said...

Very funny.

I literally had a dream about my other half. My best friend was standing behind him and pointing at him - telling me he's the one. In the dream, I laughed at her - He didn't look the part (wrong height, wrong hair, not my type, etc.)

Fourteen years later... he's still the one. Weird how that works out.

Good luck - I agree with Suzy - it seems that these things work out better when you're not looking.

Julie said...

Sometimes the British-accented guide talks to your gut or your heart instead of your head. Does your gut feel sick or tight? Ditch the bastard. Does your heart feel scared (but your gut is quiet)? Stick around awhile.

Or go do something else; like Suzy said, the good ones kind of just show up, quietly, when you're busy making other plans.

Watercolor said...

TOTALLY!!

Also with a "he's a keeper but this part of the road will be bumpy, hang in there" maybe. To tell the difference between that and, "it's bumpy because he's an ass, get out now." Which is where I am now... and I DON'T KNOW.

sigh

Wow, that was awkward said...

I recommend you live in the moment and don't worry much about tomorrow.

Jimmy said...

My dear lady, if you are truly single and unattached, all I can think of is that the men of Texas are not indeed as red blooded as they like to make out.

I cannae do a British accent, but I would indeed wake you in the morning with a cup of tea and a slice of good natured Glaswegian patter.

Pearl said...

I find men most often when I'm not looking. :-) The little bastards.

Pearl

Linda Medrano said...

Open your mind. Don't look for Brad. He's taken. Find your own! I think the best way to find the right "partner" is not to look too hard, but to keep an open mind. When I met Alex, my husband of 201years, I really wasn't looking at all. He was a young sailor getting ready to leave on a cruise the next morning. I was nearly 40 years old and he was 24. We talked and laughed and exchanged addresses. We wrote to each other for a year before we ever saw each other again. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

Linda Medrano said...

By the way, that was supposed to be 21 years, not 201 years! LOL!

meleah rebeccah said...

"I think what I need is Universal GPS, some guy speaking with authority on behalf of the Universe who guides me with a British accent to my glorious bounty. He can sit on my shoulder and instruct me."

Yes, please. I'd like one of those also!

Irish Gumbo said...

Um, might there be a female version of the GPS voice, kinda like the automated voices they use in cockpit audio on jets? 'Cos I could use some guidance, too, but I'm pretty sure I don't want the guy booming at me. British accent would be nice, though, or maybe Irish :)

Gaelyn said...

Practice makes better but the UGPS sounds good too. Good luck with that.

Pastor Sharon said...

I'm thinking if you find or create a UGPS like that, remember the little people in your life and bloggy land. We will want to still be your friend. And we know the dough you will be rolling in will be enough to share!

rory said...

Wow.
Who knew it'd be so hard for an attractive, intelligent, articulate woman like you to find a date?
I'm stunned.
What the hell's goin' on?

injaynesworld said...

Hindsight is the booby prize, isn't it?

Several years ago the Universe took pity on me. "You're really not good at this dating thing, are you Jayne" the voice said (and damned if it wasn't British, too). Then it bestowed upon me an early menopause after which all the yearnings that had wreaked havoc with my life for so long blessedly disappeared.

And I lived happily ever after...

Hilary said...

We could all use such a system... at least in some aspects of our lives. The Universe has a great sense of humour.. .as do you. You'll do fine. :)

Mandy_Fish said...

Dating GPS sounds genius.

Vodka Mom said...

As I am preparing to re-enter the *ahem* market, I would like to order one RIGHT NOW.

That Janie Girl said...

I want one, too.

Oh, wait. I'm hooked up.

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Ha ha! Funny post you loon! If you do find one of those on-shoulder GPS thingys, be sure to send one my way, cos I am crap too!

Shrinky said...

"(Okay, he's British and gay.)"

Take it from this UK female, MOST hot British guys seem to turn out gay, just thank your stars you live where you do!! Love this idea of yours, Gawwwwd, wouldn't it save a lot of grief?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

"I think what I need is Universal GPS, some guy speaking with authority on behalf of the Universe who guides me with a British accent to my glorious bounty."

Totally brilliant. Love this post.

I wonder though if "Flash you boobs" instruction was self-interest on the part of the British UGPS guy.

XO

Liberality said...

blogger has been all wonky and dumping comments and posts too!!!

(Heh, like I would ever be so gauche. Again.) he, he :)

secret agent woman said...

Ya, I get it. I think my UGPS is defective when it comes to men.

On a nerdier note, I wrote about the whole law of attraction business once:
http://undergroundagent.blogspot.com/2007/01/shhhits-secret.html

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"In ten seconds, hold in your stomach, stand like a 'ho, and suck on your middle finger."

hahahaaahaaahahahahahaha.

Yeah, Blogger. Been trying to get my mom's to work right and have not posted on my own. Hopefully those that commented will return and leave another.

(Still chuckling over that line. Most excellent Fragrant Liar.)

mac said...

Yeah, I was going to leave the wittiest comment ever (for me anyway). But blogger wouldn't let me. It kept saying it was "read only"

The comment was something aong the lines of you, indeed, earning your name. There's no way you have trouble in this department. I just do not believe it !

Good read, as always, (Fragrant) Liar.

creative kerfuffle said...

i also think things tend to happen when least expected. and sometimes it takes years to recognize he's the ONE.

injaynesworld said...

Hindsight is the booby prize, isn't it?