March 20, 2010

Filter THIS!

I'm just going to apologize right now for when I'm 85 and unfiltered. I want to promise that I will never space, lose, or reject the essential filtering mechanism which prevents us civilized people from saying exactly what we think at the precise moment we're thinking it. See, when those mental strainers are rusty, elderly folks are prone to talking smack about everyone within a 50-foot radius, whether they can see them or not. For example . . .

A working filter should stop this thought from escaping to the mouth:

Michelle "Bombshell" Whatever, your gaudy, over-the-top tatts and disgusting Nazi photos make you worthy of throw-back, throw down, and throw-the-hell-up. You disgust me.
But what would come out instead is:
Nobody's buying that you didn't know he was still married, darlin'.
Or, a working filter should stop this thought from escaping to the mouth:
Jesse, letting your so-not-worth-it kit and caboodle rev out with Ms. Not-All-That Poontang ties you for the year's biggest douchebag, right along with John "Not My Child" Edwards and Tiger "I'd Like to Tee-off in Your Rough" Woods. Pardon me while I throw up.
But what would come out instead is:
Dude, you thought she was better than your wife, Sandra "America's Sweetheart" Bullock? Really?
No, my primo filters would never allow me to say blunt or rude stuff out loud at my young age, no matter how fabulous it would feel. But maybe when I'm 85, the mental sieves will have disintegrated. I totally hope I'm as civilized at 85 as I am now. But I kinda doubt it.
.

60 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

I say lose the filters now! Tell it like it is!

Madame DeFarge said...

I could with the unadulterated truth. In a manner of speaking. You go for it.

Irish Gumbo said...

Let it all hang out now, hon...

sometimes unfiltered honesty os just what we need! Woot!

The Bug said...

I've been shaking my head all week - REALLY? Really. Huh.

Thanks for saying what I've been thinking!

rxBambi said...

Wait... I'm supposed to have filters? Were they installed by the manufacturer or an upgrade?

midlife slices said...

Mental sieves are soooo overrated.

daisyfae said...

what is this 'filter' of which you speak? i've never heard of one, let alone used one...

lovelyprism said...

My 93 year old Grandma lost her filter this week and has called me long distance THREE times this week alone to tell me off for some imagined slights and offenses. Could someone please duct tape her filter back on? Seriously, she's a perfect example of filter failure. It's ok to say what's on your mind but not so great when you're 40 years old and your Grandma calls you a "Little Shit".

MiMi said...

First, your comments on my blog are hilarious so I came over and had to follow.
Second, I don't think I'll live to 85 so I threw my filter out a few years back. :)

Gropius said...

Ha! I hate the thought of hurting anyone with a smart ass remark, but sometimes I think of how liberating it would be to lay it all out there. Granted, everyone might hate me...

And yes, Jesse, you are a manman for what you did. Hate it for her that it's so public.

Snappy Di said...

I try to tell it like it is now. Well, I do filter a little or no one would ever speak to me again.

Breathe said...

My fictional characters say all the things I'm DYING to say. That's why I write.

Me....bunny said...

Unfortunately, when I was younger I didn't have a filter and as I grew up..it turned into sarcasm...hence, my blog...You go girl!

tootles,
bunny

powdergirl said...

Oy, I sat bed-side with my BF's ailing Grandmother a number of times.

No one escaped her notice, she was BRUTALLY honest.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Okay now this is too much....fun. My husband now makes me vow to read your posts to him because you are too hilarious for words. I think you ought to be in charge of rallying the troops and let's all send nutcrackers to Sandra and let her try them all out on Jesse....sorry sack of siberian sheep shit.
SM and I so enjoy your "filtered" view of life. So many times I've thunked it just not said it.
(((hugs))) until next time.

flutter said...

I am pretty sure I was born without a filter. Is that some kind of disorder? Unfilteritis?

KiKi said...

I can't wait until I'm 85--my plan is to act completely senile and off my rocker and say all sorts of obnoxious things while wearing the nuttiest costumes and what ever happened to baby jane makeup I can find! Even if I am completely in my right mind, I totally plan to rock the dementia card and be absolutely unfiltered...scary for me, because I already have a big trashy yap! :-P

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

OMG, this is the first I've heard....Had to Google to get more info! (1) Jesse and Michelle deserve every unfiltered thing you want to dish at them. (2) Very funny concept, hilarious post!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Someone needs to clock that dude in the head with a cast-iron skillet. Oops. That was unfiltered. Sorry.

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh dear that had me laughing! It did ...except I could scream for Sandra ...she's so wonderful and he's SUCH a jerk!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Keep the filter off! Let it rip! I think that's what the world needs is to let it all hang out!

Michel said...

GREAT post...thought he wasn't married.... Ho!

I didn't realize you had a filter. The blog must filter out your filter.

It's all good.

Ily said...

I prefer my friends painfully honest. Life is to short to listen/talk BS.

bernthis said...

the only advantage of old old age is you really can say whatever you want. Nobody is listening anyway

Nancy said...

Sounds pretty good to me. Chalk another one up to when his name is mentioned my first thought is "eeeewww!"

Secretia said...

The very young and the very old speak bluntly and honestly. We should always be listening to them.

Secretia

Brian Miller said...

lol. yeah i may need to find a filter....are they had to install?

Mrsblogalot said...

LOL!! Nobody should be filtered and civilized at 85...80 even...ok how about 40?

We don't want any unnecessary regrets do we?

Douchebag= Jesse is right!

TechnoBabe said...

Funny and so true, you got it right, and forget any filters. At whatever age.

suziart said...

My Mom is 84 and filters nothing...I say , life is too short, freedom of speech and all, if that what is hapening, then why do we have to filter what we say about it! Tell it , Baby!

Homemaker Man said...

I really saw nothing there that needed filtering.

McGillicutty said...

Well said and who needs filters... just tell it like it is honey!!!!

Jason, as himself said...

I love this idea. Except that I live with an old lady who has lost her filter and it is isn't all that much fun.

I'm Jane said...

Preach it, sistah!

Rainey said...

I like the non-filtered version of your rant to Jesse James. That needs to be sent to him ASAP. Or tattooed on his forehead.

Please toss that filter out now. Dont wait till 85. Because what you're saying is spot on and hilarious.

Oz Girl said...

Judging by the remarks made recently by my 93-year old grandmother, I would say your filters will definitely disintegrate... she said something lately about a "bitch on a tit", or something really weird like that... this from a grandmother who I never heard utter a nasty word in her entire life. And she has become slightly combative with some of the nurses at the nursing home (she was admitted in early Feb, after living almost 70 years in the same house).

Just goes to show... we are ALL always thinking it, just usually not saying it.

Right?

Captain Dumbass said...

Good luck with that.

julietk said...

What filters are those :-D
I felt the same with Mr Ashley Coles treatment of his lovely wife
Cheryl.

mac said...

Old people and babies have defective filters. And some Asian folks, too.

I worked with a Chinese guy. He was a nice guy with a sweet wife. Until, the second time we met. I had gotten a haircut. She told me, "Ugh, mac. Your hair no look good like that. Bad cut, I no like"

What I wanted to say was,
"Oh yeah? Tell me about it sister. I wanted the Mo Howard/Pete Rose cut like your guy has, but the barber fucked me"

What I actually said was,
"I know. It'll grow back, I hope"


Still, I think you should give it to Jesse with both unfiltered barrels.

Bella said...

I generally go around fairly unfiltered myself! LOL

injaynesworld said...

The older you get, the less civilized you have to be. That's one of the perks. Of course, I've always come with a disclaimer, so...

Julie Jeffs said...

Okay we all are in agreement but when I read this I had to laugh I mean how weird that you and I almost complete strangers were thinking the exact same thoughts. You thought he and Sandra were apart? Really? And I'm sure you don't watch TV or read the trash magazines while Sandra was winning other awards over the past several months and talking about her husband. That tattooed skeez gives all women a bad name. I'm with the commenter who thinks someone should send Sandra the nutcrackers to use on the slime ... and he actually sat there at the Academy awards and cried while she talked about how happy he made her. Jerk.

mo.stoneskin said...

When you're 85 I hope you are doubly uninhibited and that you write a scathing column called "Granny Rants".

Eternally Distracted said...

Maybe a few of us should tag team, get a combined age of 85 and say whatever the fuck we want?!!!

Julie said...

OMG, I so want to say some things about this situation but you know better than to get me started. I didn't tolerate cheating husbands BEFORE I had one, I sure as hell don't now! One thing about it though, all of the cheaters miss out on the memo about trading UP. They all trade down....waaaaaaaaay down.

foxy said...

I like the unfiltered versions A LOT better!

Douche to the maximum power.

otin said...

My mother is the queen of not having a filter. She desperately needs one!

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Amen, say it like it is! I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to give up Sandra Bullock!

evilevilart said...

I would open my mouth and insert my foot but Ive already swallowed it...

Joker_SATX said...

I was born without a mental filter. Maybe that's why I am locked up here at Arkham...

carma said...

seriously - WTH was he thinking - as Napoleon would say "Idiot!"

JennyMac said...

I work with conservative people so we have to filter ALLLLLLLL day long. But blogging, well, thats my little secret and there is MUCH less filter there. :) And I think you will be a fab 85 and probably still have some filter then too.

Alix said...

My Auntie O sits at meals with her nursing home table mates and calls them potted plants. LOUDLY. Unfortunately, she's the only deaf one in the bunch.


Entertaining as always, darling one. :)

Candice said...

Yeah, filters = boring.

Nobody has EVER accused me of being boring. ;)

Nota Bene said...

My filters have been blocked since birth....

ANNiE said...

Personally I believe honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Call it like you see it. ;)

Sharon said...

I so admire those who have the courage to speak their truth...yay you!

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

So basically what you're saying is ADD gets worse with age?

Oh. Shit.

BrightenedBoy said...

I'm one of the only people I know who believes that older people should be called on all the nonsense they say.

They have learned better, but use their age as an excuse to behave asininely and get away with it.

The Mayor said...

Filters=Boring.

When you can't say it out loud, well, that's what Twitter is for.