March 3, 2010

Meditationally Challenged

I've been trying my hand at meditation. Sometimes it works, and I feel really relaxed afterward. Other times, like at the end of the day, my mind is a buzzsaw vibrating at max speed. So even though I'm focusing on my mantras, per my dear friend Braja of Lost and Found in India, my thoughts meander wildly and I have trouble reining them in. If you haven't visited Braja, by the way, you really must. She's an inspiration. Anyway, I'm exposing myself (heh, heh, I said exposing myself) to the blogosphere, allowing you intimate access to the meditations of Fragrant Liar. Light up the incense, people, breathe deep, and listen . . .

O-o-o-o-o-ohm, o-o-o-o-ohm. (I sound all guru-ey.)

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Why do they call the race for president a “presidential” campaign, for senator a senatorial campaign, but for governor a gubernatorial campaign? Are governors goobers? I mean, Rick Perry IS about the biggest goober in the Redneck union, so that does make perfect sense. And what’s with secession? Oh, I'm meditating. Yeah yeah, I can do this.
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
If I eat those peanut butter crackies in the kitchen, for sure I’m going to have to do more freakin’ planks. Probably 50 of those suckers. Last time I could only do 20 without wheezing and popping a vein in my forehead. Hello-o-o-o . . . Meditation? Chanting?
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Sounds like hairy llama, hairy llama. I hardly think the inventors of this little ditty had pack beasts in mind. I mean, really. Good god, focus, will you?
Rama Rama Hare Hare
Llama, llama, hairy, hairy. Oh. My. God. Oh. My. GOD! Start the hell over!
Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Pûpû hinuhinu, Pûpû hinuhinu e, O ke kahakai kahakai e, E Pûpû hinuhinu e. I wonder if Pseudo knows that one. How come I still remember this Hawaiian shit from 6th grade?
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
I kinda like that name for a girl. Krishna. Thank gawd I can’t have anymore kids. Save myself from the droopy poopy diapers. Gag me. With a spoon. Remember that Robin Hood movie where the Sheriff of Nottingham says he's going to cut out Robin's heart out with a spoon? Because it's DULL and it'll hurt more? Heh, heh. I love that guy. Um . . . oh yeah.
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Sounds like . . . Ooo-eee ooo-ah-ah, Rama lama ding dong. No, no! Hare Rama! Yeah, yeah, went to vote and picked Obama, make your bed and kiss your mama. Aye aye aye!
Rama Rama Hare Hare
It's kind of like ramekin. What's a ramekin again? Oh yeah, that funky little custard bowl. Mmmm, custard. And coffee. And . . . ah geez. Good thing Braja can’t hear me.
Eh? Please tell me I'm not hopeless and Braja's wisdom will help me learn how to do this right. Otherwise, it's drugs for me.

41 comments:

Captain Dumbass said...

I think our brains work in much the same way. Although my version of your chanting would be disturbed by my own cries of pain and swearing while I was attacked by a pack of rabid monkeys. Er, children.

bernthis said...

Honest to God, I would just fall asleep. Meditation to me, ='s a nap

mo.stoneskin said...

The problem with hairy llamas is that they are really itchy. I put one down my brother's back once and he hated it.

Secretia said...

Meditation puts me to sleep, not sometimes, but every time!
That's why I like it myself.

Secretia

Jazz said...

I tired meditating a few times. Pretty much sounded like your sessions.

Jazz said...

I tired meditating a few times. Pretty much sounded like your sessions.

Anke said...

You crack me up... had me laughing out loud the entire time. I am a pretty fidgety person myself, can't see myself doing the meditation thing...

TechnoBabe said...

You always have me laughing from the beginning and then I almost pee my pants by the end. I tried meditation as well and my concentration sucks. But I found my own way. Part yoga and part meditation. At least I feel relaxed. Keep up the good work. Good thing Braja can't hear your mind wandering.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I was nearly in tears! Loved this post!

foxy said...

You need to just go with that wicked ass brain of yours and say to hell with meditation!

MiMi said...

THIS is hilarious. This is also why I don't do meditation.
And really, I don't speak Spanish either, because I'm pretty sure all of their words sound like American slang...like the spanish word for up or down (see? i can't even remember) sounds like "a butthole" to me. Weird.

The Pipster said...

I just don't have the patience. Harem Harem Mama Mama

Everyday Goddess said...

Oh little Grasshopper, keep on chanting. One day it will work! But until then, see the Nirvana already in your life.
xo
Elise

Shrinky said...

Oh, this is flaming hysterical! All the more so ;cos it's so darn TRUE!

My baby sis' TAKES meditation classes - like gathers folk together and shows 'em how it's done? I'm her Waterloo, she's given up - I get the giggles too much.. as it happens, she's coming over to see me tomorrow, I'll just HAVE to show her this post (teehee)!

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Hello Funny Friend,

So…I came here earlier and read your post and tried to comment but I couldn't concentrate…so I left to meditate on it for a bit and here I am again and well…much like you I am Meditationally Challenged.

I have a very busy head myself and the craziest most random thoughts flutter through my head. If I try and meditate crazy thoughts come into my head like…I wonder if I’m due for a pap smear and Kate Gosling on Dancing with the Stars?…pffft. I really hope her hair extensions get caught up in a twirl and land on the dance floor…oh, I forgot to feed the kid and I really hate my nail polish color. You get the idea…its complete torture!

Love your writing…you are one clever and talented lady!!

Hugs,
Karyn

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHAHA, Mimi! Arriba y abajo!

That's too stinkin' funny.

mac said...

I think all you need is a new Mantra. Not that I have any idea what the heck that means, I just like the sound of it when I say it.

I am truly glad to see that my mind isn't the only one that wanders endlessly.
I used to think that was a bad thing. But, I can see, here, that it is not.

I'll stick with the crackies for my drug fix. I surely don't need another addiction.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am sitting here LMFAO! That was hysterical. And the best part is that I can imagine you sitting there thinking those things!!

Alix said...

Oh honey... Braja hears EVERYTHING.

You can come hide out at mi casa when she gets around to this post. You're gonna need shelter.

De Campo said...

Well, no one can ever accuse you of not being one with chaos.

Violet said...

Apparently you've read the transcripts of my meditational attempts.

And in Illinois? Yes, the governors are goobers.

morethananelectrician said...

This sounds like you are on MEDICATION...can you send some this way?

Julie said...

Getting caught up on my blog reading. Happy Friday!!!!

DAVID McGRIEVEY said...

I am only following your site because Suzy Soro told me to, I do everything she says, she scares me.
Suzy says you have to follow my site.
I do not meditate, I take klonopin.
I am your new friend, such is the power of Suzy.

powdergirl said...

Ech, meditation-medication, all could things start with meds, no?

My mantra is the word 'nothing', isn't that inspiring?

But it works for me, I can almost always mentally leave the building if I just focus on nothing.

mac said...

Didja hear about what the Zen Master said to the Hot Dog vendor?





Make me one...with everything.

Tgoette said...

Meditation makes me hungry. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

Krispy Krema, Krema Krema,Hava Krema, Krispy Krema...

Homemaker Man said...

You should've eaten first, maybe?

otin said...

I do not think that the meditation is working for you! LOL I would say that you should rent a few movies and have some wine! haha

suziart said...

You are so terrific! I am the sameway!!! To hard to focus...I ended up in the hospital with a racing heart and chest pain to die for and thought it was walking pneumonia...nope, my heart, stress/panic attacks. When I try to relax,my mind wanders to all the things I am getting behind on while trying to meditate!!
I am supposed to try yoga and sure I will end up in traction!!!heehee

steelxmagnolia said...

Just reading your blog makes me feel more relaxed. Like you, I am abuzz with a head full of brilliance, nonsense, stray remberances and the odd take on things. My prespective also askew. Come on over for a visit sometime. We can share a glass of bubbly ... or a chat. Glad to find a kindred spirit across the cyber-miles. Cheers! ~Allie

Sarah Lulu said...

Haha so funny and so like me when I first start!

Madame DeFarge said...

I could never relax enough for meditation. Rather have ice cream. Not sure about the drugs though. Unless ice cream is a drug, in which case, I'm a complete addict.

Ruth said...

I have a frickin terrible time slowing my brain down. I haven't meditated in a couple of years. Well that's not true. I do it while I chop vegetables now, and cook.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

We live in parallel universes Liar. I have been playing the chant music Braja sent me and trying my hand at meditation since September. My brain still is trying to rule and my thoughts are all over the place, albeit much less entertaining than yours. Mine tend to run over the day's agenda.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

PS I do not know that Hawaiian ditty, but will ask my children (since they grew up here and moi did not).

Anna said...

Hehe!

Land of shimp said...

Well, if you're going to have trouble reaching your inner-stillness, and becoming as one with life energy of all (just one of the many explanations I've read of meditation)...you might as well be a self-entertaining unit, and then turn around and entertain us all, too.

I mean, that is finding a way to the unity too :-) We're all just unified in giggling.

Breathe said...

I have to have guided meditation. Like with a really cute guy. and we're being guided along a beach. or chalet. And there's chocolate.

The unguided stuff is roughing it, IMHO.

creative kerfuffle said...

this was too funny : ) meditation for me is a nap too : ) but, this? hysterical. wouldn't hairy llamas give more wool (don't they make sweaters out of that?).

Que said...

I'm over a month behind on reading the works of my favorite bloggers because of a big project at work. SO I know that making comments on these posts will be like taking a trip in a virtual time machine. But I would hate myself if I didn't tell you that I agree with everyone else that read this... This is some funny stuff!

PS... I apologize to you and everyone in advance for making comments on a month-old post. Just when you thought the email notifications were done, some idiot (me) starts them back up because he missed the first round.