March 12, 2010

An Unholy Dalliance

Don't go trying to change me. Whoever you are, it's not safe. Others before you have corralled me in the kitchen, finessed me into getting dirty in the garden, and coerced me into coordinating the carpet with the drapes. But in the end, they walked away exasperated and confounded, shaking their heads impotently. Let that be a lesson: No unholy dalliances with domesticity for this princess.

I admit, when pressed, I am an ass, digging my hooves into the ground and tugging in the opposite direction. There's just no reasoning with me when my inner ass rears her, um, head. So whoever you are, I see through you. You're cranking up the heat on me, all the way to eleven, but let me tell you, your efforts to domesticate me are daring and despicable—diabolical even—but dumb.

You see, I am a goddess, but not of the crafty persuasion. Just because you've signed me up for Martha Stewart Living, and just because I've now received two of her propaganda rags in my mailbox, don't think I'm going to be all, “Oh, I can’t wait to grow my own rutabagas.” I don’t even know what those are. You’ll never catch me perfecting a soufflé, a mousse, or a ganache. I mean, that just sounds like something you can transmit. Sorry about that nasty case of ganache, dude. And papier-mâché? Even I know that’s French for chewed-up paper. My sudden concern for hygiene prevents me from touching that.

Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha. How could you let a mystery crusader use you like that? Or perhaps, with your checkered past, you are in on it. OR, could this crusader be someone even more dastardly? Like . . .

Mom? MOM?

[Cue Psycho music.]

Holy herb garden, Batman! Who else could supply my home address for a shipping label? And frankly, who else has so much to gain by my domestic conversion? She loves it when I get all up into her crafty homemaker shit. Oh, Mother, how could you?

Know this, Mama Salla. Those dastardly pink roses on the cover of March and those impressively painted, but sinister, April Easter eggs will not break my resolve to be woefully inadequate!

____________________

P.S. Seriously. Who signed me up for this? Mr. Ex-Boyfriend?

40 comments:

injaynesworld said...

Oh my dear... Take it from me. there's a lot to be said for being an orphan. At least Martha encourages living. I've somehow gotten onto a mailing list for pre-paid cremation. Now who's the diabolical person in my life who did that?!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

My Mom sends me subscriptions to Christian magazines!! Sigh.

Kristina P. said...

I sort of love Martha Stewart. We have a love/hate relationship.

Christine Macdonald said...

You ARE a Goddess!!! Cheers sister. *raises champagne glass*

Snappy Di said...

Go easy on Martha. She IS an ex convict you know... Poooooor Martha.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

meredith said...

nice. stay strong in your battle to ward off all things domesticate.

Shrinky said...

Och, have some pity on the poor dear, 'tis not her fault the Alzheimers has kicked in, leave her to her harmless delusions (and next time you go visit, wear something nice pink and frilly, eh?)!

Homemaker Man said...

If my mom sent me a magazine subscription, it'd probably be High Times. Damn hippies.

Eva Gallant said...

That was one funny post! I love it...especially since I have no gift for home decorating, house cleaning, etc. I am domestically impaired!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My mom gets us Vanity Fair. My hubs reads it front to back. I would not be even tempted to open the Martha magazine.

TechnoBabe said...

What can you say but thank you, after all, it is from MOM!! Moms always get their way in the end, you're a mom, you know how we are trained in manipulation, control, deceit. It is who we are. So, sigh, thank her, and open the first page.

otin said...

Your idea of domestication must be dialing for a pizza delivery! haha.

Somehow, I don't picture you scrubbing toilets! LMAO!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Us weekly is really the only REQUIRED reading one needs.
Don't you agree?

daisyfae said...

between "Cosmo", "Glamour" and "Martha Stewart's Living", there has been created a gigantic "Bench of Inadequacy" for us normal folks. Screw 'em all. I read comics...

ain't for city gals said...

lol...had to laugh...my best friend who should know better gave me Oprah magazine sub. for my birthday...Oprah is so over with...and sometimes when I read on all the blogs...making my own soap..making my own curtains...101 ways to clean house...I think to myself...been there done that...let's move on to something fun!!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Martha Stewart is so over the top....
I picked up a magazine before helping my daughter plan her wedding. I enjoyed the photos for the lovely soft color combinations, but I never found anything that seemed like it belonged in our lives, if you know what I mean.

Jeanie said...

The worst I ever got unsolicited was an AARP membership, but I would prefer even that to Martha.
She kinda scares me.

Secretia said...

Don't go quietly-stay a girl a lot longer.

Secretia

ellen abbott said...

I like to look through those mags but there is some sort of disconnect between the brain and the hands. This is my advice...run away!

Pop and Ice said...

Luckily my Martha Stewart is my hubby. So I don't get hassled with all that stuff. I do wish we had some art on the walls, but I don't think even Martha can help us with that. We're just loath to spend our money that way.

mac said...

Watch yourself here. Martha Stewart is an ex-con, and as such, she may just stick a shiv in you.

Oh, I agree with you comepletely. But, I'll never say so...wait, I just did??

Shit, now my life is in danger, too. I'll make up a lie....I was just playing along so I could make a full report.
Yeah.

I was scared there for a minute.

J said...

Domestication of any sort or form, at least in my case, is a total no no too so I know how you feel. There is so much to do than keep a perfect house. But, mothers will be mothers and will never give up on trying to make you the perfect housewife.

phd in yogurtry said...

For the love of all that is holy and easy, do not look at the Martha Stewart Living.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Martha, Martha, Martha. Always about Martha!!!

Farmers Wife said...

I scrapbook..therefore I am. But I suck at cooking.

Irish Gumbo said...

Be wild, be free, break like the wind!

...or something like that (grin)

But it goes to eleven, then that makes you one hotter, doesn't it? And that's pretty hot! hehheh.

powdergirl said...

I like to cook, but ain't no damn Martha gonna tell me how its done, hell no!

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend, or else next thing you know, you're learning how to run a vacuum cleaner, and that would be appalling.

Ann's Rants said...

What could be more unwelcome than a mailbox full of perfectionism.

Gropius said...

Your inner ass...hilarious! Yes, when people try to change me from a domestically disabled person to one who loves to cook or be Martha-like, not only does it not work, but it makes me...rage. A most excellent post! Enjoy your Sunday.

Captain Dumbass said...

My parents signed me up for National Geographic about a million years ago and they never stop hitting you up to re-subscribe. Like ever. You can move and they'll still find you.

Hilary said...

My late mother in law used to make sure we'd get their religious magazines. She spent a lot of money for us to pad the recycle box. I'm sure Martha would be happily passed along to more willing hands. Maybe your Mom's. ;)

Ruth said...

My dear, those are not roses, they are ranunculus, the most glorious flower in flowerdom. But I swear it was not Martha who taught me that. And I am no Martha myself. But god, I just corrected you!

(Well, it's payback for thinking haricots verts sounds like haircuts.)

Dave King said...

They're getting to be a bit like chocolates, these goddesses - so many varieties it's difficult to kn ow which to choose.

DAVID McGRIEVEY said...

Relax, your mother did not send you that subscription, I did. I followed your blog and you did not follow back, and they say New Yorkers ARE rude.
I hope you enjoy the CAT FANCY magazine subscription I have sent you.
By the way, you are now a member of the Jonas Brothers Fan club. Enjoy.
Your friend,
David

Madame DeFarge said...

Martha Stewart may be rather unknown to me, but it could be worse. You could be Julia Childs. That would be bad.

The Mayor said...

So there's hope for my oldest daughter who embodies no domestic gene whatsoever to a have a full & complete life?

Re: Martha
Why doesn't everyone have time to raise a few chickens, recycle their poop and crotchet pot holders out of the feathers?

Midlife Mama said...

Bwwwhahahaha!! Martha Stewart Living. There is something so seriously wrong with Martha Stewart. No one could possibly be that...that...what's the word...umm....non-reactive? Ummm....bland without being heavily medicated. Seriously. I mean really? what's really going on inside her head as she smiles at the camera and says, "And that's a good thing."

Puhhleeze. That woman is about as vibrant as a wet noodle. Ugh.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Is Martha Stewart magazine like those Jehovah Witness booklets?

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Bella said...

and just what does a rutabager taste like anyway?

can you bake those in a vodka/orange juice glaze?

LOL