June 12, 2010

Pirate Hooker

Along the road trip to Florida, I visited my daughter in Fort Polk, Louisiana, where she lives with her handsome hubs, an adventurous army guy. Before I could get on base, I had to present my ID, auto registration, and car insurance. Why car insurance is necessary to roll into army territory, I have no idea. I saw no tanks to accidentally run into. Anyway, I just said, "Sir, yes sir!" I am nothing if not cooperative in the face of uniforms.

Because I'd been carting around traveling paraphernalia, my wallet and ID happened to be sleeping deep in the bottom of my purse. As I was fishing for it, my cell phone rang loudly from somewhere in the same vicinity. It was a ringtone that, well, I just don't know how it got on there. Seriously. What rude person would play such an outrageously inappropriate joke on me? Frankly, if I knew who it was, I'd totally take them out of my will.

While I panicked in the ultra-quiet-you-could-hear-a-pin-drop army office, the very gruff-looking, tough-talking army guys (with loaded side arms) sitting on the other side of the desk -- who never *EVER* smile -- heard this repeatedly:

Pirate Hooker sound bite
Yeah, hit that PLAY button about ten more times, and you'll hear exactly what those guys heard. Like the BP oil well 5 miles down, I could not cap that sucker off! Those stoic army guys stared me down. Clearly they did not appreciate my purse mocking them. My daughter and sister's mouths gaped as wide as their eyes. I could only laugh like a dork, Ha, ha ha. Not YOU! YOU GUYS are totally NOT smelly pirate hookers! Honest! Sirs!

Still no cracking one iota of a smile from Misters Regimental. But believe it or not, they let me on base.

Cool. I mean, Sir, yes sir!

41 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Best. Ringtone. Ever.

Jason, as himself said...

HAHAHAHA! That is the best joke ever! I'm LOLing right now, thinking that they thought that was a ringtone that you intentionally CHOSE for your phone. Classic!

morethananelectrician said...

Arrrgghhh. You could have just climbed over the fence.

When I read the title, I was hoping your got "lucky" with Johnny Depp or something. :(

Snappy Di said...

Hahahaha..... How could they NOT laugh or at least smile. Military, gotta love 'em.

Di

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Heeeeee that was fun.

Gaelyn said...

ROFLMAO!!! Just perfect.

Gillian said...

Argh me hearties...LOL

Shana said...

Haha
Thatis funny!!

TechnoBabe said...

Whew, they let you on base. You are so funny and snarky, I am surprised you aren't in trouble every where you turn. Or maybe you are?

Bagman and Butler said...

One of the best practical jokes ever and it came off at exactly the right time. I;m betting that once you were out of sight those guards cracked up!

Eternally Distracted said...

You know from now on in I am going to refer to you as the smelly pirate hooker... and so will they ;0)

Que said...

That's hilarious! So not even 1 smile? I would almost think you could play that in a war zone at get at least 1 smile.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! I'll bet they laughed their butts off after you left, though!

ellen abbott said...

Oh that is hysterical! You know, some people just have no sense of humor...and they all join the military.

Divine Chaos said...

ROFL. OMG I love it!

Super Single Mom and Her Side Kids said...

I think I would have been red like a tomatoe!
Crystal Lynn

Madame DeFarge said...

Great ringtone. Maybe they thought you were Private Benjamin in disguise.

Rusty said...

Don't you love it when a good plan comes together? Grinning...

Basic training for MPs - three months NO SMILE (unless your CO is telling the joke).

ATB!

Linda in New Mexico said...

Oh that is too damn rich. Tee fricken Hee.

Jeanie said...

Those uniforms can be a little humorless in my experience. I bet they were laughing on the inside.
Thanks for the New Orleans promo below...I'm heading there this week. Should be interesting from all that you say.

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! My ex wife loves Pirates...I think this deserves a trip to PhoneZoo.com to see if I can find it for her call in! ROTFLMAO!

De Campo said...

That ringtone does accurately describe the majority of the local population down there.

I'm sorry. But after four years at Polk not even filthy MIDGET pirate hookers could get me back through those gates.

Lori said...

LOL! I can only imagine....:)

Jocelyn said...

The audio provided more payoff than I could have ever imagined when I clicked on it.

McGillicutty said...

Too Funny... i bet it took all they had not to guffawwww.
I once had the song crazy bitch as my ringtone and it went off while I was in a session with my therapist!!! now that was awkward!!

The Empress said...

They could've laughed at that...it WAS funny!

foxy said...

FREAKING HILARIOUS.

Love it.

Pat said...

Somehow I don't think terrorist carry phones with ringtones saying, "You are a smelly pirate hooker", so you're safe. LMAO, though!

I bet they cracked up when you left the office!

Candice said...

At least you gave them something to talk about. When I was in the Army, I had to go to Ft. Polk for some training and I wanted to off myself I was so freaking bored.

I don't think they were annoyed with you, but more with life in general. ;)

injaynesworld said...

That is hysterical! I totally want that for my ringtone.

Danica said...

Hands down....love it!

Midlife Mama said...

OMG LOL

Only you...these things only happen to you. Seriously. OMG hahahaha

Now, what I want to do is take that phone over to the guards at Buckingham Palace and have someone call your phone. How could that NOT crack someone up?? I mean really. OMG hahahahaha

Bella said...

hahaha! you smelly pirate hooker u!

Bella said...

hahaha! you smelly pirate hooker u!

Magic of Spice said...

Oh wow...I would have crumbled:( You have a very fun blog here:)

slommler said...

Ha! That is a totally awesome ringtone!! Where the heck did you find that? LOL!! Just visiting from Eddie Bluelights' and your Roast. Enjoying my stay here. Hope you have put out clean sheets and towels?
Hugs
SueAnn

Ruthibelle said...

lmao ... that's just NOT funny at all... rofl...

drollgirl said...

red face! red face! bah. maybe they laughed after you left? maybe.

Wendi said...

I suspect you're now on an official list somewhere at the Pentagon.

Jennifer said...

I MUST get that ringtone!!!

MiMi said...

Best EVER post!! LOL!
How do you embed little clips like that into your post? I've been trying to figure it out. :)