June 24, 2011

SPANXED!

In homage to summer and all things girly, here's a vintage Fragrant Liar salute to Spanx (circa Winter '09), with mucho thanks to Janie!

I needed an undergarment for my new sweater dress which hugs my curves a little too well. However, it was Sunday night when I decided this, and in Marshall’s all I could find was Spanx.

First off, this “shaper” on the hanger looks like a body bandage for a two-year-old, though the tag said it was LARGE. It fits me from boobage to mid thighs. I did look stylin’ in my sweater dress, and I wore the ensemble, including black bootery, all day. However, a lot of tugging occurred, as my Lycra contraption rolled up from the bottom and down from the top. I gave in by early afternoon and let the girls free, since they have little tolerance for compression at a hundred-thousand pounds per cup. I slid the elastic cinch just below the boobcage, where I gained a new appreciation for bucking broncs.

Later that evening, in my closet, I tried to take off the Spanx. You might think:  "easy peasy." But you would be wrong. Perhaps it was the route I took. The over-the-head route. I had grabbed the hem and pulled it all the way up, over my head, at which point I realized, with my arms pinned across my chest, elbows akimbo, and bionic Lycra stretched as taut as a Bay Bridge cable, I had effectively strait-jacketed myself. That's because wearing Spanx is like stuffing yourself into an elf’s condom. Unless you can shrivel up on demand, you're a captive little fucker.

So I stumbled around my closet, in a wrestling match with my Spanx, and gave myself a full nelson. Disoriented, I tripped over my boots and flailed around on the floor. I paused in my hapless exertion to enjoy a moment of debilitating terror, wherein I imagined I might die and no one would find me till the next day when my putrefying scent would overpower the catbox. That, or being so tightly encased, if the thing hardened, I might actually emerge with wings and a penchant for light bulbs.

Fifteen minutes later, I managed a Houdini-esque escape by dislocating both shoulders and using my rabid spittle as a lube. I staggered to the shower, exhausted, out of breath, my hair electrified, and I stood under the water in a dazelike Goldie Hawn in Overboard after her nightmare with a chainsaw. Buh, buh, buh, buh.

Tragically, my cat Matilda saw the whole thing. Next morning, she hunkered down and growled as I waved the spanx in her face in an effort to desensitize her. When I left her, she was mumbling incoherently about throwing herself in front of a car.

Heed my warnings, people. Spanx should be worn at your own risk. I’m in recovery now, wearing slacks two sizes too big and a bulky sweater that leaves me shapeless. Ramping up for:  Spanx vs. Me, Round 2.
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27 comments:

Gaelyn said...

I so remember this and it still makes me laugh.

Eva Gallant said...

You cracked me up with this one! Your description was hilarious!

Leigh Ann @ Genie in a Blog said...

Ugh I wore Spanx for family photos last fall. It felt so good to be able to slip into my pre-3 kids khaki pants that I love so much. Never mind that I could barely sit down and it was still blazing hot in October and I sweated my ass off. They totally need an instruction manual. Or at least a warning.

Mandy_Fish said...

I wore Spanx when I was pregnant.

There's something wrong with me.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I'm glad you practice safe sex with elves. You never can tell where they have been.

Pat said...

I could just picture you struggling to get out of those! Oh my, that was funny!

Linda Medrano said...

Spanx are evil and ugly instruments of torture. I tried some one time and had to cut them off myself. They didn't even make me look shapely. They just made me look squeezed out of shape! NEVER again, and Honey, NEVER is a long long long time.

Nana Go-Go said...

Ask not what your Spanx can do for you, but what you can do for your Spanx.....sorry, I`m watching the new mini-series `The Kennedys` at the mo...seemed appropriate!BTW....it`s pants....Jackie `O`, Katie is not!You`re a very funny lady.

Breathe said...

Egads. Why don't they just use these things as restraints in psych wards?

Probably do in LA.

I'll suffer with my muffin top.

CkretsGalore said...

HAHAHAH That is hilarious...not that I can relate or anything *cough*..erm..

mac said...

Now, I'm worried about your safefty. Never wear these again ;-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I've never tried spanx but after reading this, I think I'll pass.

XLMIC said...

hahahaaha! This is one of the funniest things I have EVER read! I could totally picture it in my mind... just too funny!

Red Shoes said...

Hmmm... a garment review with hints of bondage... :oD

~shoes~

The Empress said...

I tried Spanx once and I GOT SO SICK.

It's too tight on my stomach and I had the worst cramps.

As bad as after I delivered.

No Lie.
Hilarious post.

slommler said...

After spewing a half of cup of my coffee all over the keyboard and screen...thank you very much...I had to roll on the floor as well. I laughed so hard I woke up my husband. Ha!
The visual images were priceless!
Last time I wore spanx...it ended up as a sausage roll in the middle of my abdomen!! Sigh!!
Never again
Hugs
SueAnn

moosecraft said...

OMG!!! What a hysterical post!!! I could picture the whole thing!!!! I tried Spanx....once....I an't goin' there again.... lol!

injaynesworld said...

Now that's a picture. If only it had been on video. You'd have been elevated to national prominence and gotten your own reality show.

Hysterical, my friend. And yes, I, too, have Spanx.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

I'm so glad you reposted this--I didn't know you for the first publish date. HILARIOUS!! I can totally picture the whole scene. ;-)

The Mayor said...

Shape wear- I'm nut sure that's a true description of what these little fabric torture devices are.

I wear them under skirts or form fitting dresses to smooth out some bumps. Now that I'm suffering this God awful heat & drought in Austin, I can barely ear my shape wear cause it just causes more sweating. Then again, I can't have my legs rubbing together.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG! I am laughing so much. I've had a similar experience with Spanx, and I don't plan on ever wearing them again in the near future!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Hilarious, descriptive post. Felt like I was wrestling Spanx with you! Tried them for the first time last Saturday ...posting about it tomorrow. I don't think a blogger can wear Spanx and not do a post. What an experience!!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I tried on a few "slimming" swim suits today. After I wiggled them on, I sat on the chair in the dressing room exhausted. Needed a breather in order to figure out how to get them off. Decided I'd rather just let it all jiggle while I swim/float.

Bella said...

not you toooooo...gawd! I was going to buy a new one since I'm fatter now, but after trying to squeeze into the large one forget that shiz! ain't no way in hell!

I'd rather be flabulous dahling!

secret agent woman said...

Those things violate one of my primary rules - never wear anything I'd be embarrassed to be seen taking off.

Tammy said...

Seldom do I literally laugh out loud at blog posts. I was cracking up with the imagery of the wrestling match in the closet, thinking of many a time I have also chosen the wrong exit route for a garment.

This was my first time to your blog, and what a high bar you have set! I'm looking forward to new posts coming to my RSS feed!

Brenda Lee said...

OMG I have never laughed so hard!!! Funny thing, I tried to put on my spanx with a torn rotator cuff injury...not my brightest idea! So I enlisted my husband's help to get the thing on...again not one of my brightest ideas...LOL! He is better at taking my clothes off but sucks at helping me put them on!