August 13, 2012

Total Crap

This post is an experiment in stream of consciousness writing, which means no self editing, which means it's full of crap. You have no idea…

See, I'm a perfectionist. Not that I'm perfect; I just think I need to be. Maybe you already figured that out. Usually, people see things in you that you don't like to acknowledge, long before you come clean about it. I could use a 12-step program. Step One: Admit you are powerless to your compulsion. Here's my admission: Crap!

I also have a teensy problem with being unnecessarily thorough in the pursuit of covering all my bases. And occasionally I fast-pitch sports analogies. Right across the plate!

Speaking of the plate, I have a stomach issue, which causes nausea that stifles my hunger sometimes. The Doc, before he runs expensive tests, gives me pills to take. Of course, pills first, pinpoint the exact problem later, right? But what really amuses me is the fact that Doc gave me Aciphex, which seems an ironic name for an intestinal issue.

Speaking of intestinal issues, my gold crown popped off my molar while I chomped on an over-cooked chicken fajita, and I promptly—to my horror—swallowed it. Since what goes in must come out . . . Talk about your ass effects. When and if that sucker shows up, submerged and glistening in the porcelain deep, I'll not be "proctpecting" for gold. Nope. Waving and flushing, cuz I'll be damned if I'll rescue a piece of forged metal from the crapper just to pop it back into my mouth. Murphy's Law would have a field day with me.

Speaking of swallowing, the crown might as well have been my last meal, since I subsequently spent three torturous hours in The Chair at the mercy of a masked dentist and her incompetent assistant, Tabitha (her name sounds all innocuous, but no). Tabitha tried to drown me three times and rip my mouth open, until she figured out that a ton of pressure and a smidge of suction was the sure path to her patient's expiration. And yippee, I get to go back and see Tabitha when the new crown comes in. Something to look forward to.

Told ya, total crap. Unedited. Heh. I know you're not buying that. Whatevs. There's no cure for perfectionism; you can only treat it. Mostly with restraints on the hands and electric tape over the mouth. Plus, I'm a notorious bucker of rules—even my own. So I edited. I'm weak. And I don't own restraints—none that come off the bed post. Probably shoulda edited that last part out, but no.

And we are back to Step One: Crap!

|

22 comments:

Gaelyn said...

Sure made me laugh. Even if I feel a little sympathy.

Eva Gallant said...

You had me worried for a minute; I thought you were planning to recover that crown!!

red.neck chic said...

I'm laughing... and I feel for you... but I'm still laughing...

Karen Oakes Huff said...

Bed restraints? Shades of Grey!!! :) Enjoy your writing so much, girlie. Glad you got your mojo back.

Linda Medrano said...

Anything that results in a trip to the tooth fairy is my idea of a disaster. Poor baby. I've almost swallowed crowns too. Sheesh! If they come off that easy, they weren't put on right. But does the tooth fairy acknowledge that? Oh hell no! We just pay again for the lump of gold. Ugh!

daisyfae said...

nice stream. what does it say that it all made perfect sense to me?

is there anything that makes you feel more decrepit -- YES, DECREPIT -- than breaking a tooth? i gave into a tempting tootsie roll and lost half a freakin' tooth last week. Grrr... hopefully my Tabitha has better skills.

Cheryl Anderson said...

Kiss the crown goodbye. No wonder you are having stomach issues, trying to digest the porcelain. Hahaha

Wow, that was awkward said...

Thanks for the ugly flashback you caused me to remember of having to go thru my son's poop for a week searching for the alleged penny he swallowed.

Charlotte Ann said...

lol...that made me laugh too...and I want to apologize about doing it...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Ha! Your unedited stuff reads better than the pieces i spend a week writing.
Good luck with the toilet bowl. You'll need it. :)

Breathe said...

It was GOLD! You could have bought at least a dozen tiaras with that poopy crown!

Just sayin. And you are practically perfect.

meleah rebeccah said...

I love you UNEDITED! And, hello, Aciphex is a miracle drug.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

You'll have to tell me more about this Aciphex. Meanwhile, don't chew anything. Okay?

Better days ahead - always.

Jono said...

You are aware of the current price of gold, aren't you? I love the brand names of drugs. I have a prescription for Damitol which is a close relative of Fukitol.

Brian Miller said...

while i would not be popping it back in my mouth i would have no problem selling it to one of those booths in the mall...they are always looking for gold...and it might be worth the laugh watching the guy inspect it...haha...

drollgirl said...

prospecting for gold in the toilet. um, no thanks on that! ew!

and a bad dental hygienist CERTAINLY makes a memorable impression (pardon the expression). they are THE WORST!

Kathe W. said...

are you sure you don't want to dive in and have that gold made into a piece of S..t? hahah
Love your blog-hilarious- it's what we all need more hilarity.

otin said...

You're just falling apart! LOL

Stephanie said...

I lpove the unedited posts...err all except the Dentist stuff. Shiver. that sucks!

Stephanie said...

Gee, perhaps I should edit my comments. Sorry for all the typos

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, poor you! I felt a little guilty laughing at the thought of you mining for gold in the toilet. That sucks, though.

Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

Uh, I know lots of people that "fish" their crowns out of the crap & crapper....me working for a dentist and all. It's either that or $995 out of the pocket. Sure thing to flush (ha!) out the tight wads in life.....