February 23, 2010

The Morning After

You know how in the morning before the sun rises and you’re groggy cuz you finally took a Xanax to get some sleep? And your alarm goes off and you smack at it blindly and crack your hand on something hard that’s not the clock and you cuss yourself awake, even though you yearn for those extra nine minutes of snoozing? And now that’s not possible so you pitch yourself out of bed, except your feet are all tangled up with your sheets and your blankie foot warmer so your head craters a hole into the carpet? And as you dangle upside down, you wonder if you broke your neck? And you kick and squirm to extricate your feet and when you’re finally free, you’re satisfied that you got in an early workout? And you cuss as you limp across ice-cold Travertine toward the bathroom in the dark?

And you know when you sit your bare butt on a frigid toilet that feels weird somehow, and it dawns on you that your foot is strangely wet? And you cuss while flipping on the light, which is like a punch to your eyes, and you squint at a smashed cat turd on your heel while realizing that some male didn’t lower the toilet seat and your thighs are making friends with all kinds of organisms that should never contact human skin? And your stomach lurches as you beeline it toward the shower like you’re dragging a club foot?

And you know how you get into the shower and your arm loops through the bendy hose of your handheld Waterpik showerhead and you gasp and flinch, thinking a ghost has just grabbed your arm, until the showerhead then plummets from its little overhead slot, right onto your head? And you cuss and slump to the bottom of the shower stall and through your tears you see that your foot still has doo on it and the ick melting off it is swirling around the drain, which is also precariously close to your hoo-ha? And you finally get all lathered up and say, “I’d rather look like an orangutan than shave anything right now?”

And you know how you reach for your towel and discover it’s wet from god knows what, but certainly something to do with those bad, bad children you live with? And you cuss and step out in search of a dry towel, when your phone rings and you lunge to answer it because at 6:45 a.m. it might just be the new hottie your buddy introduced you to? And your boss is on the other end of the line and she says, “Don’t bother coming in to work today? Because it’s a SNOW day? In Austin, Texas? Woo-hoo!

Now that's how to start off your day!

Okay, that last part? That snow-day phone call? Totally didn’t happen, though it's snowing right now outside my office window and NOW they are going to send us home. Oy.

71 comments:

TechnoBabe said...

Made me tired reading this. I would have to go back to bed if I went through all that in a morning. Yes, I am lazy. I like the way you write. Some people write with snark and most of the time you write with butt kicking funny bone humor.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am cracking up over this post. And we are waiting for the big snow down here in Houston, which is where it is coming next..supposedly!

Christiejolu said...

Besides the snow, this sounds like every morning for me. LOL!

mo.stoneskin said...

The sheet tangling business reminds me of the time my wife slapped me round the face during the night, waking me rudely and in a dozy voice snapped "that's not very nice!!!". "What isn't?" I asked as she huffed off to the bathroom. Turns out she was all tangled round her ankles in the sheet and thought that I, instead of sleeping blissfully and dreaming of biscuits, was in actual fact holding onto her ankle.

Alix said...

That's a whole lot of bellyaching for someone lucky enough to have Travertine floors.

I dream of Travertine.

But back to you and your terrible morning. Sorry Kimber darling. Sounds like a tough start. I hate head-cratering the carpet before 9am.

You are a hoot.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Oh you crazy muchacha....I laugh til I hurt reading your adventures. Too funny....of course it wouldn't be unless I could relate, which I do.
Yeah for the snow early release day. Rock on funny broad.

Kay said...

haha...totally know those mornings! what is up with these freak snow storms this year? I think mother nature forgot where to send the storms!!?

Snappy Di said...

Yes... I know, or rather knew about mornings like that except there was no cat poop involved and I lived in Phoenix so there never was a snow day either. But the rest I do know about..... kind of.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Marg said...

Brilliant.... what a crap way to start the day, but brilliant writing. I hate mornings like that, can totally relate to it, except for the travertine floors, seriously jealous now. We are NEVER going to get a snow day here, ever!!!!

The Girl Next Door said...

I'm so glad you let us laugh at your hilarious mishaps. I truly, deeply needed this laugh. but snow? not funny, not when we've had three feet. Sigh.

suzicate said...

You had one hell of a start to your morning...I am exhausted now!

Secretia said...

I need the lights on before I enter the bathroom every time!

Be careful...

Anna said...

Thank God I don't have a cat. Now what's worrying is that - sans cat - I can relate to everything you just wrote..

Anna

suziart said...

I need a zanax just reading this!!!
Xo!
SuZi

injaynesworld said...

You had me all the way. Good tale. And after all that and you still made it to work? What a gal.

kate said...

That sounds ridiculously close to how my morning started except after attempting to get ready for awhile, realized that I felt like ass, had a fever and went back to bed...and then my dog threw up on the floor. I'm saving it until my husband gets home from work.

Red Shoes said...

Hmmm... the smushed cat turd alone would have sent me back to bed... blerk... I just recently posted that my ex used to have EIGHT indoor cats... and about how they piss/poop/barf EVERYWHERE!!!!! I think when she discovered I was allergic to cats, that her passive aggressive side came out... and she started adopting all kinds of stray felines...

Austin, Tx... my high school gf lives out there... what a great place... I'm hoping to get out that way in a few weeks... ;o)

~shoes~

carma said...

snow days rock! and hoping the cat turd was only an aberration.

Everyday Goddess said...

Nope. Never happened to me. ~ wink ~

Enjoy that snow day! Maybe tomorrow will be better?

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Oooh, I've had that morning! Glad it ended happy!!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Yeah, I've had that morning, too, but I never could tell it the way you did!

Cindy said...

Good times.

Que said...

Nice... Simply... Nice.

Miz Dinah said...

Ew...cat poo! I don't know what's worse, that or the toilet seat (or lack of). I'm so glad your morning had a happy ending. Enjoy your snow!

midlifeslices said...

Oh no.....did the kids move back in????? LOL

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, my God. You crack me up like no other. So many interesting visuals going on in my head, but the one I liked the best was the melting dog poo swirling in the water precariously close to your hoo haa. THAT is something really special.

Eva Gallant said...

So not the way you want to start your day! Hope tomorrow is better.

Homemaker Man said...

We have three elderly cats. I've slipped in cat vomit early in the morning so many times that now I'll often just twist my foot to keep from tracking the vomit all over the house and continue my morning.

mac said...

Nope, never happened.

Merely because I don't have any carpet in my house. I bought this old place, there's nothing but Oak planks on all floors. I do have some slate I'm planning on putting in the bathroom, but not yet.

No cats, either. I have a Chocolate lab. But, she knows Daddy doesn't like pooh in the house, unless she flushes.

And, my sometimes housemate is my 15 year old son. There's no worries sitting on the throne...but never sit on the wall near the toilet, or the floor, or ceiling (how does he get it way up there?).

Lastly, I don't have a hoo-ha. I just borrow one from time to time, but, EWWWWW!!! Keep the cat turds out of it, that can't be healthy ;-)



Now, excuse me. I have to see my Dr after reading this. I seem to have split my side :-D

Vic said...

I've heard of snow....

You and I have the same morning motor skills!

(Glad you got to home, finally :)

powdergirl said...

You know, I thought we were off to a good start when you hit something hard that wasn't your alarm clock.

I was, apparently, mistaken.

That is the big suck of a morning, right there. If I stepped in cat shit barefoot, I might kill myself. Seriously. Couldn't . Handle. It.

But a snow day! Yeah, Baby!

We don't do snow days over here, we just buy better tires. Sigh, doesn't sound fair.

I was in Austin Texas all of once, years ago, February. They shut the roads down because of a blizzard.

there were like, 3 snow flakes falling at once!

I thought that was adorable, inconvenient for my evenings plans, but adorable.

Captain Dumbass said...

Wow. Where do you even start with the comments?

Snow day.

Hee hee.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"some male didn’t lower the toilet seat and your thighs are making friends with all kinds of organisms that should never contact human skin"

Yeah, I know that one really well. Although I usually find myself digging my ass out of the toilet. When will I ever learn?

Fun post, Liar. Hope you enjoyed the remainder of your snowday.

Hilary said...

After a few of those soakers, you learn to feel to see if the seat is up first. That took until I was 40 something to learn. Very funny post.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I was just getting ready to tell you to climb back into bed for a do over but heck, if you get to go home early because of snow, you are getting a second chance.

Pour yourself something hot and cuddle up with someone or something.

Eternally Distracted said...

Oh, how I laughed at your pain... and laughed and laughed and laughed.

You will still be my friend though right??

Wildernesschic said...

Yes I love you humour x Love the cat pic too xx

LadyFi said...

Oh, the horror and the humour! Great post.

Nancy said...

You never fail to entertain! Congrats on POTW! (Gob I hate cat doo on my heel.)

Bagman and Butler said...

You are such a good descriptive writer. I was laughing all the way through it! Waking up is so hard to do. Isn't that a song?

idgtm said...

At least it ended well.

And I completely agree about the wet towel...that can ruin the entire shower experience.

Queenmothermamaw said...

Just popped over from Smitten Image. She picked a great one here. I laughed and laughed. There are some benefits from being retired, which means I am getting old. I couldn't believe I got an email with a video from our son in Austin, it was snowing at their house. They have been there since 93 and this is a first. Stay safe.
QMM

Shammickite said...

I dread mornings like that.
And I don't even have a cat!

slommler said...

I so laughed my butt off...sorry it was at your expense. What a morning and added to that you still had to go to work only to be told they aee now going to send you home? Argh!!!!
Congrats on the POTW award!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Daryl said...

Congrats on POTW mention from Hilary

gaelikaa said...

Oh, I just hate it when that happens. But you just have to keep going.

Congratulations on your Posts of the Week mention.

ellen abbott said...

This whole thing could have been avoided by getting rid of your alarm clock.

That's why I got rid of mine.

Suzy said...

If I had a job, I'd definitely have a similar sitch. Instead, I am batted awake by the 1 year old running pell mell over my head. It's like constant birth control.

Moannie said...

Goodness gracious me! I truly hope that every day does not start like this. Great story though. Thanks Hilary at Smitten Image for pointing you out to us.

She Writes said...

Hilarious! You crack me up!

Divine Chaos said...

omg lmao .. i so love you :) I've had mornings just almost .. not like that at all hehehehe

foxy said...

Man, i hate it when that happens! (all except for the snow day) We got to go home early too!! It was soooooo pretty.

foxy said...

And it sucks more than anything to have a squished turd on your heel... doesn't matter if it came from a cat or a dog.

TSannie said...

That made me laugh!

TSannie said...

POTW congratulations, too!

otin said...

Ummm...actually, I have never had any of that happen to me! LOL! Stepping in cat shit is not cool!!

Tammie Lee said...

Oh my gosh, you are a great writer. You had me ever step of the way. But geez that sounds like a horrible start to a day! wishing you a better day tomorrow!

Cricket said...

Yep, nothing quite like stepping in doggie-done-it barefoot. Very funny. Congratulations on a well-deserved potw mention.

Suldog said...

Congrats on the POTW listing. Well-deserved. This was funny stuff.

Brian Miller said...

lol. i am glad that your day seems to be getting better...enjoy the afternoon...and the snow.

Bella said...

hey grrrrrl!

nothing like hairball hell to start off the day...ick! I don't miss "Fuzzy" the long haired hairball hacker upper. He went back home to Dad's with the teen.

a snow day in Texas? OMGosh...hope you are totally enjoy that one!

Bella said...

did I omit the "ing?"

as in enjoy 'ing?'

oh! and the "black weirdos"

priceless! shame on mommy.

Jocelyn said...

I shuffled over here on my knees--knowing I'd find your usual crack-me-up prose--but I am sheepish and ashamed that I didn't arrange to meet you last week. Hand to heaven, I had it in my sieve of a brain that you live in Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm going to rationalize my bad feelings away now, though, by remembering that my friend paid for my trip so I could shovel her out of her mess...and, really, really, we worked like dogs.

Yea, that's the ticket.

Clearly, I'll need to make a return visit to Austin. Just to meet you.

Pat said...

I believe you had a rough morning. I believe I'll pour myself a drink.

Conquer The Monkey said...

snow day calls canceling work are dreamy!!! also, I have had the morning after xanax experience more times than i can count :)
AM NEW FOLLOWER

thanks for popping by my blog!
cheers,
Cameron
www.conquerthemonkey.com

Cloudia said...

Congrats on POTW!

I can see why...I'll be back.



Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Yeah! to the POTW! Congrats!

Land of shimp said...

That was very, very funny, but can I just add that when I reached the end of the litany of "You know how..." reports I let out a fervent, "Thank God, NO! No. I do not know what any of that is like." and I felt the urge to run around my entire life, hugging it like crazy for not letting me know what any of that feels like.

I'm simply impressed that you didn't murder anyone, starting with, but not being limited to, the cat.

Congratulations on controlling all homicidal impulses, as well as the post of the week mention over at Hilary's.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

I wuv the mini snowman!

creative kerfuffle said...

i think any day that starts like that means you're supposed to go back to bed, snow day or not. love the little bitty snowman : )

Kris said...

Love this post. I have had mornings like this . . . more often than I care to admit. My favorite part, though?

The shower's bendy hose touching you and sharing the crap out of you.

ACK! A ghost! A man! A woman!

Who is in the shower with me???

Sigh.

Hate that.