February 7, 2010

Whack-a-Mole

Be honest. Does anybody really think Cindy Crawford's mole is sexy? Enrique Iglesias had one on his face, and he was smart enough to get that sucker removed. Obviously, something that distracted from his shagability was a trademark worth violating. I, too, had a mole. It was under my left earlobe; and after living with its unsightliness for 40 years, I got smart and had that sucker removed. Wow, Enrique and I have one thing in common.

Let's back up just a hair or two, cuz yes, healthy moles grow hairs. As if they're not absurd enough. Said mole, which was the size and shape of a double meat cheeseburger, made me so self conscious that I never turned my face away from people for fear they would see it, point, and shout, "Get the flyswatter!" Plus I had a nightmare that while I slept, mice had come over for a nibble. It's why I slept on my left side most of the time—or my right side when I was defying my fear of nibblery, kind of like draping your arm over the side of the bed and forcing yourself to keep it there to prove there are no monsters under the bed. I always caved on that one. You can never be too careful. Hence, after a short time with my mole exposed, I turned over on my pillow.

So I made up my mind. No more cheeseburger in hair-and-mice. I made an appointment with the dermatologist. She assessed Gigantor and scheduled me for surgery. I said, "Surgery? It's a mole, not a tumor." But doc insisted, and a week later, I reported for my big operation. I mean, that doctor was in scrubs and a mask! And, strangely enough, so was Gigantor.

A protective covering was laid over the side of my face, with a tiny opening for a precision gigantorectomy. (I mean, I'm grateful my little G spot got the respect of a heart transplant, but geez!) She then gave me like TEN shots in and around the G spot to be sure it was plenty deadened; and by the time she'd finished, I thought, "Gosh, I'm glad I didn't feel any pain for this procedure." Then Doc brought out the big guns: scissors. SCISSORS!

I heard the snip, snip, snip of Gigantor being whittled away. I had to send myself to a happy place: La la la la la. Gee, this time next week, I can wear my hair behind my ears. La la la la la. Then came cauterization. People, I smelled my own G spot burning. Next, more slicing and dicing and stitches, inside and out. That's when I realized they should have knocked me out. In real surgery, they knock you out. I was robbed, people. This procedure had pharmaceuticals all over it, and I was denied. The perfect example of life's little injustices, n'est-ce pas?

Flash forward six months. Gigantor is gone, but I still hesitate to show the left side of my face. Like phantom pain, I still feel it there. You don't realize how pervasive your negative self-talk is until the reason for it isn't there anymore. I'm reminded of it many times in a single day. The ways we torture ourselves over imperfections, I swear.

But I'm still sleeping on my left side. Just in case.

50 comments:

Snappy Di said...

Yep... sleep on the left side and suffocate that bas-turd. LOL... I'm sure a lack of oxygen will keep him dead!!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

mac said...

If the left side looks at all like the front side, I think you'll be fine :-)

Cindy's mole isn't so bad, either. It's almost the imperfection that makes her stand out. Surely, that must be why so many women PAINT them on?

Aaron Neville? Now, there is an ugly mole. That sumagun has it's own zipcode. But, he tempers it with an angels voice?

daisyfae said...

i, too, have a tendency to generate moles. one, on my thigh, drove me crazy -- fear of it being torn off and me bleeding to death finally got me to have it removed. ugh. agree that drugs were warranted. the one in my eyebrow? it was removed... and grew back... it's still there. for now...

TechnoBabe said...

What kind of guarantee did they give you it won't grow back????
I have a mole and now you made me self conscious for the first time ever and I am waaaay older than you are!! What have you done??!!

Candice said...

I don't think it was a mole at all. It was your twin. How could you cut off your TWIN?!?!?

Herding Cats said...

I have a "beauty mark." It's a small mole above my upper lip sort of like Cindy's except a lot smaller (thank god!). I HATED it when I was younger, but now I sort of embrace it.

Eva Gallant said...

Cindy Crawford has a mole? All this time I've been grossed out because I thought it was a tick!

Vic said...

Congratulations on breaking up with Gigantor- I had one on the back of my knee for a long time. It kept me from wearing dresses because I was so self-conscious. That sucker's gone too.

Time for a ponytail!

powdergirl said...

I've got a flat, dark, small pea sized birthmark on my right cheek, actually I have that same both birth mark on both right cheeks. Not that you wanted to know that. My question is, does either one of them have to go? Or are we only hunting for moles this week?

Silly girl, put your hair behind your ears and sleep on your right side! Its gone!
Rejoice! Bury the Gigantor!

We'll have a wake!

Suzy said...

I thought Cindy Crawford had her mole removed. No? Well I know she had her upper eyes done, maybe I'm confusing that with a mole? Or a MENTAL ILLNESS?

I want to steal your little NOTE: above and put it in my comment section but I have no idea where to put it in my layout. But YES, listen to the nice lady.

Gillian said...

I have moles on my face too which I want removed. Its on my right cheek and quite HUGE. So they do it in the rooms? Then I'm making an appointment very soon.

otin said...

Wow! That must have been some Mole!! Surgery and stitches. I thought that they just burned that shit off!

McGillicutty said...

I had a wart burned off my shin once and it hurt like hell... EVEN MONTHS LATER!!!
you're brave...very brave!!!

Theta Mom said...

Whack a mole - you are hilarious! And "sleeping on the left side, just in case" priceless! lol

mo.stoneskin said...

I would have been terrified - of everything. The mice, the flyswatters, of Gigantor's revenge. Did you hear from him again?

blueviolet said...

That was just painful to read. Why did you do that? Don't ever tell me a thing like that again! ;)

5harontology said...

i have a mole in sort of the same place cindy has hers. i used to like it. but now it's just...a mole. i'm thinking of getting it pierced so instead of it being just a mole it will instead be a pretty sparkling little thing!

Brian Miller said...

while he may be gone, his impression is left...may he never return.

ellen abbott said...

I had a sticky out mole on my side at my waist. I had that dude removed long ago. I'm usually scornful of elective plastic surgery but I gotta wonder about people who have big moles on their faces and necks and DON"T get them removed.

blognut said...

I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought, but I'm glad you got rid of it!

Danica said...

You're too much!!!

I'm glad it's gone and hopefully soon you'll pull your hair back again!

The Lone Star Queen said...

Yikes! The horror of it all. I would have to be knocked out!!! You were very brave.

Jayne Martin said...

I've never been a fan of the mole either. Sarah Jessica Parker finally got hers done away with and I'm all "what took you so long?" I'm old enough to remember adding a "beauty mark" with eyebrow pencil when playing dress-up as a kid. "Beauty mark" Now there's a euphemism.

Eternally Distracted said...

oooo, how am I gonna sleep without nightmares now?!!

Chantel said...

"People, I smelled my own G spot burning." LMAO!! Oh my WORD--I was actually cracking up hard enough my eight yr-old came over to see what was funny--I tried to x out, knocked over my tea which soaked the cat....dear God, little G left be breathless!

You totally rock. And I think you're lovely.

drollgirl said...

for the record, i love cindy crawford's face, mole and all!!!

my mom has a weird wiggly jiggly mole on her neck. i tried to bite it off as a kid. NOT NICE. turns out each of us kids all tried to bite it off. just once. ahhahahahah

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I'm a melanoma survivor so I have scars all over my entire body from all the moles I've had removed ... and precautionary biopsies done. It's lovely, I tell you. I look like a road map.

foolery said...

I'm with Chantel -- the whole G-spot reference killed me. Will Stumble this but I feel I should warn people about the G-spot thing at work (just kidding). Too funny.

ladyfi said...

Oh goodness - this was hilarious! Thanks for sharing your mole-liness. Now - go and enjoy your mole-free appearance!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

I'm with you--moles are not sexy.

I love Di's comment: "Sleep on the left side and suffocate that bastard." Yeah, if I had a dime for every time I said that to myself...

Nancy said...

Well, I'm off to bed and this post made me laugh so hard, I know I'll sleep well. Like exercise...

I do know what you mean about the arm over the side - I do the same thing with my leg, but always cave.

Secretia said...

The moles need to come off of our bodies. Every doctor's appointment I have him check me all over for them. Then it's off to the dermatologist if he finds one that needs removing.
It's a good cancer preventative.

Secretia

Cid said...

Okay, now I am going to have even more of an issue with my mole. When I was a kid I put Noxema on it every night since I thought it smelled so strong it must be able to get rid of the damn thing. Years later I am still considering whether to have it excavated but after reading your story, I'm even more nervous.

Midday Escapades said...

You are so right about negative self-talk. Got to stop doing that to myself. I also had a mole removed, but it wasn't gigantor.

Thanks for popping over to read Jayne's interview yesterday!

Lynn

Gaston Studio said...

I wouldn't be able to afford to have all the moles on my face removed. Was it all that sun in Egypt?

Debbie said...

Good for you for taking care of it if it bothered you! And no, I'm not a big fan of moles. But I have a lot.

mac said...

I just had to come back and tell you...
Looking at your mole kind of makes me hungry.
I think I can get one for $.99 at over at the Golden Arches.

(well, I can get your pictoral representation of the mole, anyway :-P)

ModernMom said...

Ah good for you! Now go grab a headband:)

fingers said...

I don't have a mole but after reading all this genuine affection some people seem to have for theirs I'm considering getting one.
Does anyone know if this is a difficult or painful procedure...

elzimmy said...

One time, my dermatologist sliced of a mole I had right between my tatas with an instrument that looked like an overgrown cuticle cutter. I still can't think of it without cringing.

Midlife Mama said...

Ugh. I'm a very mole-y person thanks to my gene pool....I have dozens of little moles that dot my neck...most of them are skin tags and every couple of years I have them snipped but they still have little brown dots that are left after. I hate my neck and try to hide it most of the time. I feel like those moles are screaming "Look at me! Look at me!" Ugh. Then I have little flat ones all over my back and sides...yergh.

I hate moles. If I was rich I'd have them all lasered away or however it is you get rid of them.

tattytiara said...

Okay had to stop reading at scissors.

Captain Dumbass said...

Hearing what they're doing is bad. Bad bad.

Bella said...

I was stupid enough one time to believe that an ingrown toenail should be done with a local, forget that!!!!

remember...always request to be knocked totally out!

You're right you were robbed of your right to anesthesia! Ick!

and yes, while it is gone, it takes a while to let go of our emotional coverup.

Terry said...

Omg....whyyyy would you think mice were coming to nibble on your mole?? That's scary!!
And this was hysterical...sorry, no, your mole insecurity is NOT funny....but this post sure was!!
Live a little..put your hair behind your ears :)

Divine Chaos said...

omg I have one of those gigantinormous moles on my shoulder blade and a couple on my neck that used to be flat but became raised after I got pregnant. I'm trying to get up the nerve (and the money) to get them removed. I hate not being able to wear anything backless. I can totally relate!! Glad you got to get rid of yours!

you hang your hand over the side of the bed?! are you nuts?! there are monsters under there .. they only can't get you if you're all on the bed!

carma said...

glad to hear you are now mole-less....BTW, I think you mean "Enrique" Iglesias -- although I'll bet Julio had some moles too since chances are it is genetic...

Pat said...

BTW, thanks for the graphic details of your mole removal surgery. I just threw up in my mouth. Yum. Luckily I just finished eating hershey kisses so it wasn't so bad. But next time? Give us a little forewarning, eh?

And, yes, I HATE Cindy's big ole mole. Get that thing off!

Funny post. A little sickening, but funny nonetheless.

Funny Girl said...

LOL! Dreaming a mouse would nibble on the side of your face. The mind image was too much for me this morning. Can't stop laughing.

Nonflammable said...

I think Cindy's mole is a distraction to her other features.

I had one on my neck and had it removed. Now I just have a scar and would rather have a scar than a mole anyday. I think it makes me look bad @$$!