April 13, 2010

Symphony and BBQ

It's Friday night, and I am all dressed up, leaving Planet Earth for a whole 'nother world. Or as the culturally sophisticated call it, the symphony. Oh yes. Contrary to rumors, I am totally cultural. Oh wait, that's gutteral. Whatever. So I have an evening out, thanks to my good friend AM, who's garnered free tix. But first we stop at Ironworks for mouth-watering barbecue and a gallon of tea. That goes together, right? Symphony and BBQ? Plus, the guy behind the counter says I am BEEE-UUU-TEE-FUL. That alone is worth the price of heartburn. 'course, if he could see my unshaved legs (which he can't since I'm wearing black slacks), he might not be so drooly over me.

So we arrive and traipse into the architectural wonder that is the Long Center. I depend on AM to shuttle me through the vastly aging expanse of urbane hobnobbers, but it’s clear that she is as much in foreign territory as I am, and we spin around mumbling, What's with the sequinage? Is there a door around here we should go through? Where's the john?

Eventually, we make it to our seats in the parterre. Without the glasses I lost five years ago during Hurricane Frances, I squint to see the orchestra that occupies the entire stage. I make out only the hefty guy who rises out of the back on cue to clash cymbals. I want his job.

So the first number is the Funeral March. Really? Seems like that should be the big finish when the event is effectively six feet under, doesn't it? Anyway, 15 minutes and only ONE NUMBER LATER, I notice that AM is bobbing her head in time with the music (a Chopin-Stravinsky thing that threatens to stretch long into the night). I think, Man, she is really getting into this. I don’t want to stare at her, but I’m astonished that my whiskey-guzzling, Harley-riding, rock-n-roll buddy is bewitched by orchestral strains. So I peek out the corner of my eyes and, yup, she’s all immersing herself, even going so far as to close her eyes to absorb every strum of strings, toot of horns, and tinkle of piano keys. Or wait . . . her head drops and she catches herself and a minute later, her head drops again, and then . . . THEN? She snores! This performance is better than what I can’t see on stage! I elbow her a good one. She tips her head toward me, peering over her glasses as if to say, Help. Me.

Finally, people clap and everybody rises. I get excited until I realize it's only intermission. What a tease the symphony is! Everybody gets up and COMES BACK! I think surely AM will drag me out, but instead we eat dark canned chocolate that resembles goat turds and laugh at people and sit through the second half—which gets surprisingly energetic and loud—as if they KNOW someone somewhere is nodding off! How do they KNOW!?

Anyhoodles, I have suggestions for you, Symphony. You can jazz up your repertoire by making these easy-peasy changes:

  • Two words: light show. Orchestral stuff drags on to infinity and beyond; some psychedelic stimuli would enrapture your audience so they could keep their eyes open. Worked for the '60s. What I remember of it.
  • Two more words: dry ice. Toss water in the vat and voila! London fog. Think of the moody ambiance. I dare say, a death dirge could be cause for celebration.
  • Two last words: KISS tongue. Maestro could totally rouse all the blue-hairs by adding some Gene Simmons action to counteract that penguin get-up.
There you have it, Symphony. You know you wanna!

Oh, when AM and I got back into her car? We cranked up some Stevie Ray. She’s my sweet little baby, She’s my pride and joy! She’s my sweet little baby, and I’m her little lover boy.

Aaaahhh, back on terra firma.
.

42 comments:

MiMi said...

I'm pretty sure I'd get kicked out of the symphony. Yeah. I'm SURE sure I'd get kicked out.

Kristina P. said...

I would totally go to your symphony. I am so uncultured. I have never wanted to go to a symphony, ever.

Breathe said...

DId you figure out when to clap? I always embarrass myself by starting to clap at the pauses, but you aren't supposed to clap THEN.

I always thought an applause sign would help.

ellen abbott said...

Very funny. Back 'when' in elementary school til I begged my parents to send me to public in the 8th grade, I went to private school. An experience best forgotten but one of the things they did was send us on a field trip every year to the symphony. I signed up for it every year. I did like to go but I without fail always fell asleep.

And funny you should mention Gene Simmons. Marc stumbled on his 'reality show' Family Jewels. that guy is so deadpan, so diametrically opposed to his Kiss persona, it's really funny.

And yeah, Stevie Ray. I can get behind some of that.

daisyfae said...

nice to know i'm not alone in being a 'symph-tard'. once got free tix to Handel's "Requiem". the only reason i stayed awake? i started counting the number of times they sang "RE-QWEEEEEE-EMMMMMMMMMM". i was about to die, the number was approaching 100, and thankfully it was over...

symphony would be FAR better with lights, dry ice and tongues.

mac said...

I used to have to spend one Saturday evening a month at the symphony's outdoor events in Columbus Oh (Picnic With The Pops). It was OK at best.

Give me Stevie Ray
over the Symphony anyday!

And, Yes. He would :-)

Eva Gallant said...

I love classical music on my cd player in my car, on in my living room. I person, not so much.

I'm Jane said...

Or maybe add some sharks with frickin' LASER BEAMS attached to their heads...

(sorry, just watched Austin Powers and couldn't help myself)

blognut said...

Heh. I totally want to be on the stage (so I can see the whole audience) when the maestro turns around and gives all those old ladies a glimpse of his tongue!!!

They'll faint dead away!

Beautiful Wreck said...

I went to the symphony this weekend. And I almost got in trouble laughing during it too. I blogged about it on Monday.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm impressed though, AM could nod her haid while sleeping in time to Chopin? That's a gift.

Bagman and Butler said...

Sleeping in the Symphony. Sounds like a book title.

Brian Miller said...

a light show with a Gene simons conductor....i think you just may be on to something here....

Sarah Lulu said...

On Easter Monday I was fortunate enough to see James Taylor and Carole King in concert at the Sydney Entertainment Centre ...I stayed wide awake and was so thrilled I didn't sleep at all the whole night after!

Que said...

I like your additions. I would also add one of my own...

Make it dueling orchestras (or is it Orchestri (my spell checker says NO)). Since you have intermissions anyway, make it like Hockey! You have have two orchestras battle it out and have the audience vote on who was best. Give them 3 rounds (two intermissions) to show their stuff. You can even stage a "Drumline" style battle to add to the visual affects of the light show you suggested.

I think that would help and I didn't even mention the mascots!

Anna Lefler said...

Your suggested improvements are RIGHT ON.

I would only add flames - timed to shoot up when the cymbal dude does his job.

Awesome.

Spencer L Casey said...

KISS tongue from the hot little number playing the violin. I'm so there.

Cheers,

SLC

foxy said...

But OF COURSE bbq goes with the symphony!! I'm pretty sure anything goes with bbq in TX. Just sayin.

I've been wanting to catch a show, but haven't yet. Noddingly good, huh? Maybe I'll wait....

Pat said...

Too funny! Wait, is sequinage really a word? And how long do you think you have to study to be a cymbalist? Maybe that is an instrument I could play. I wonder what the symbol is for that on the music score? Does is just say "Bam!" like Emeril Lagasse?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I wanna be cullchurred! But if it ain't music from Fantasia, I have a hard time stayin' awake myself. {BELCH!} Oops, 'scuse me.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Stevie Ray is my favorite.

I have heard rumors that the symphony is better when you are a bit high. I'm just saying.

Lisa said...

If they don't take you up on those ideas, I've got a blog that could use some pizzazz. Maybe I'll go for it. Life is always better with some KISS tongue and lasers.

Red Hamster said...

KISS? Give me some Jim Morrison/Mick Jagger tight leather pants action on stage to keep me awake.

Been outside the Long Center but never inside, so you're way ahead of me.

Ruth said...

I used to go to the symphony when I was in college. I got restless legs BAD.

Like Ellen, I've watched some of Gene's Family Jewels, it's good!

And YES, SRV, one of my son's biggest influences. I never listened to him when I was younger, but now, because of him, I LOVE him. Pride & Joy!

Vodka Mom said...

When my students have to listen to the school orchestra I have to tape their lips together and tie their hands up.

Secretia said...

You would like a rock concert better, sneak in a little whiskey or wine!

rtfgvb7808 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Julie said...

I would get a great nap during the symphony....

carma said...

you'd have to drag me there kicking and screaming - to the normal symphony that is - not your jazzed up version - that one I'd be happy to go to.

I have to listen to classical music all day at work - UGH

Me....bunny said...

Although I like all types of music including the symphony...I, like you, prefer Lil' Stevie Ray. Saw Kiss back in the 70's, seriously, I was wearing full make up, seriously...good times...lol

have a good one.

tootles,
bunny

Gropius said...

Hilarious. I love the symphony, but your suggestions are great. Liven it up a freaking bit, right? They should dress in drag or do something outrageous with costumes...just for a little surprise.

Que said...

I know you must get these all of the time but I gave you an award on my blog. You are one of my favorite bloggers. It does take a little time to accept the award so I understand if you decide to not do anything with it. But just know your blog is appreciated and enjoyed.

Jen said...

BBQ goes with everything! I've never tried Ironworks. Is it better than Smitty's in Lockhart?

Farmers Wife said...

I love your posh moment...

JennyMac said...

HAHA...you better snap a pic if the maestro ever does a KISS Gene Simmons signature tongue move. LOL. Have a great weekend!

only a movie said...

Symphony seems as good a reason as any to get dressed up, but SRV is real music to my ears.

Vivianne said...

You and AM could have dressed as members of KISS, I don't think anybody would be at risk of falling asleep with you in the audience!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"KISS tongue. Maestro could totally rouse all the blue-hairs"

Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh, Fragrant Liar. You have totally outdone yourself with this post. And, when I get my life back, we will take AM and go the ballet. Can only imagine how that post will turn out.

injaynesworld said...

I would love to see the Boston Pops. That's my idea of a symphony. And on the 4th of July outdoors with Fireworks? Damn! Great stuff.

I totally heart Gene Simmons, too.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I wish I had tickets to watch you at the symphony. :-)

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Man, nodding off indeed! I don't think I could handle a symphony either. Flask required!

Anonymous said...

Sorry Jane ... you'll have to settle for sea bass. JakeMidnight@gmail.com