April 2, 2010

Yap Yippity Doo-Da

Greetings from sunny Florida. I hopped on a plane last Tuesday to surprise my mother for her 75th birthday. She was surprised alright. She cried when she saw me, and it was a sweet and touching reunion. Which lasted all of five minutes. After that, it was Fergie, Fergie, Fergie.

For the record, my name is not Fergie. Fergie is a silver and brown, tube-shaped, silky-haired DOG—my parents' 18-month-old Yappie. Let me tell you, it's a sad comment on family relations when you, the number one child in EVERY way imaginable, are treated like spam in deference to THE DOG.

My mother rejoices in saying, "Oh look!" as her precious yapping machine hops around my feet. "She wants you to pay attention to her!" She and Dad are aglow.

The bark-o-meter peaks at a level even wolves consider shrill, with reverb off the walls. Of course, this is the benefit of aging. Your hearing goes, which spares your eardrums from your dog's yap-yippity-doo-da. However, since I am but their human offspring, my intact eardrums verge on bursting.

Dad sheds a wistful tear as he coos, "Aaww, look at that. She's talking to you!"

It's as if the dog is Helen Keller eking out her first word. "Waaaa!"

I get down to Fergie's eye level to make sure we're communicating. "Two can play at that game," I say. "Have you SEEN me roll over and shake? You have much to learn, Yaphopper." Our ears perk up, our heads cock sideways, and our noses twitch while our individual wills clash in a Close Encounter of the Turd Kind.

Later . . . "Oh, look, she's on the dining room table!" Mom beams, enchanted by the divinity in motion that is THE DOG. On the table. Where we eat!

When Fergie leaves a reeking tootsie roll on the carpet, my mother is only vaguely annoyed. "Fergie!" she snaps. With her hands on her hips, she adds, "Oh, we-e-e-e-ll." After which, her pooping prodigy gets swooped up into a hug. A HUG!

Could it get any worse?

Oh yes! It could! She squeals and coos and fawns all over the dog. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. She was never that enamored with her flesh-and-blood grandchildren! Then my mother, who in an earlier life was known from Arizona to Texas as "The General," baby-talks gleefully: "Isn't her just the cutest thing?"

Listen, when we were kids, any pet who dared to crap in the house was booted out, destined to spend life outside with horned toads, snakes, and occasionally my dad. That kind of disrespect for domestic property amounted to an international incident that Mama Salla did NOT tolerate.

Now? (sigh) I guess a good poop only is as revered as its architect. A Fergie poop is akin to Frank Lloyd Wright's—a modern movement that invites the outdoors in.

Thing is, the Silver Turd gets it that her sudden position at the zenith of the inheritance ladder is assured with every revoltingly cute thing she does. So she continues to manipulate my parents' affections. Obviously, she is evil incarnate.

This Easter, I'll be filling up a basket with gaudy-colored eggs to hide. You know how there's always an egg or two you never find? Frankly, I wonder if Fergie would fit in a basket . . .
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63 comments:

Kristina P. said...

This made me laugh. I feel your pain! My inlaws had a dog that they treated this way, and I know that they thought I was a horrible person because I treated it, like, gasp, a dog!!

Christine Macdonald said...

You paint such wonderful pictures with your words.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Haha, it's sad to realize that you have been replaced as the object of parents' affections. But it's nice that your folks are mellow and loving enough to enjoy a dog in spite of poop and noise. I think my dad might have enjoyed a dog, but my stepmother would never tolerate it. No dirt, no muss, no unpredictability, no joy. Sigh. I like your parents' approach way better.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

"A Fergie poop is akin to Frank Lloyd Wright's—a modern movement that invites the outdoors in."

Genius.

Jana said...

Thank God my parents never had any pets..they lavished all their love on us...I would have been so jealous otherwise!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

That's hilarious! Now if they start putting up framed pictures of Fergie all around the house, then you may be in for some trouble. Watch for signs of her having her own canopy bed and a robe for when she hops out of her "spa".

Nothing like being dissed by a dog. :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Dogs have really bad reactions to chocolate... I'm just saying.

I'm Jane said...

Totally laughing because this is what happened when I used to bring my dog to my parents' home. They went nuts over the thing and talked about EVERYTHING the damn dog did. I got the impression that maybe they were just glad not to have to talk to each other. :)

ellen abbott said...

I knew this really big guy once who had a yorkie. That dog was smaller than his foot. Odd combo.

Farmers Wife said...

Oh she did a poo on the floor, oh well. Oh she wee'd on the carpet, oh well. Oh she killed the chickens next door....oh well!! Classic!

daisyfae said...

when i left home for college, my parents took care of my cat. the cat who was banished to my bedroom, not allowed on furniture, etc. by my first visit home? they were treating him like royalty. by the end of my freshman year? they explained there'd be a custody battle should i attempt to retrieve my cat...

Hilary said...

Too funny.. but he is awfully cute.

Secretia said...

Will Fergie be getting a big easter basket of doggie easter eggs and bunny treats?

It must be nice to visit your parents anyway. There is only one thing you can give older parents that they care about and it is your companionship/company.

Have some fun with them.

Secretia

Snappy Di said...

Oh... a yapper would never do in this house. I'm not sure which would cause it's demise first... the yapping or the pooping indoors. I like dogs that have a brain bigger than a piece of rice.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Irish Gumbo said...

Bada-bing!Out of the oark with this one, my dear.

That Frank Lloyd Wright reference is genius! Of course, I'm an architect, so I was bound to like it :)

Who you giving that basket to? I'm thinking it isn't the dog you should hide in there...

TechnoBabe said...

You hit it right, I have seen some older couples who talk nicer to their dogs than they do to each other. I almost puked. But it is your parents and you did make the trip for your mom's 75th so you get the gold star if not the inheritance. Ha.

Little Ms Blogger said...

This cracked me up!

When I was in high school, we inherited my sister's PIA dog whom my mother talked to daily.

That damn dog misbehaved and NOTHING. Me, I come in late and am grounded for 2 weeks - WTH?

Joker_SATX said...

You know? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have genuine contempt for this flea ridden fur ball.

This post was actually refreshing to me because I thought I was the only one that felt like this at times.

And I listen to adults just lose their minds when it comes to the four legged kind.

Midlife Mama said...

Oh my GAWD I can't stand it when people baby talk to their animals!! OMG I bet she has her own wardrobe too, right? Ahhhhhhhhhh.....

Shrinky said...

Well, she is so, so so much cuter than you (ouch, stoppit, I was only joking)! I hate Yorkies, sorry, but I do, one chased and bit me for over a mile when I was a kid, and I still bear the grudges. Much as I love our dumb Golden Retriever, he knows the pecking order (okay, he's at the top)..

powdergirl said...

"...A modern movement that invites the out doors in."

ROFLMAO!

But I think Mr Webber may be rolling in his grave.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Close encounters of the turd kind. OMG, I have tears rolling down my face, you are the bestest medicine an old bagg could ever hope for. I'm sure your folks will give you treats too...I'd check um first to make sure were I you....I'm just saying.
Happy Easter, oh great funny one. (((hugs))) until next time

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi Fergie - no that's not right! Sorry can't find a name for a non-dog LOL. Had a look round your great blog - thanks. The pig has put me off bacon for a while though LOL
Saw your comment on Knuckleheads's Sunday Roast and I am the chap who hosts the show, Eddie at your service.
I would be honoured if you would appear on the show becvause I think you would do a great roast.
Hope you agree - please email me on
thesundayroasting@googlemail.com

and I would be delighted to send all the information.
Very best wishes
Eddie

KiKi said...

"Oh look, she's talking to you!" bwhahaha. SO CUTE! I could totally picture this scene like a little movie playing in my head....

suziart said...

My parents sat on the floor and spoon fed their Yorkie, but I did it too!

Julie said...

Awww, what a good kid you are. Catching up on my blog reading, finally. Happy Saturday and Happy Easter!!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

I think the look she's giving the camera in the first picture says "that's right, bitch."

Lorna said...

God you crack me up. Your dog-liners are hilarious, and I WILL be buying your book...about anything! "When we were kids, any pet who dared to crap in the house was booted out, destined to spend his life outside with horned toads, snakes, and occasionally my dad." Priceless.

Gropius said...

Hilarious. Surely Fergie must reside in Sarasota? Sounds soooo much like our seniors' pooches here. Enjoy your time in the state--we're having some exceptional weather. And don't step in the doodoo.

Eva Gallant said...

Great post! You showed unbelievable restraint, not kicking Fergie out on her ass when she pooped in the house! I would have backed you 100%. But then, I've never been overly fond of dogs in the house, anyway.

mac said...

This is a perfect example of little dogs here!
Those little yappy buggers are not even really dogs. They're cutesy rats!

But, you're lucky. My Florida resident parents have a Great Dane. That dog is a pain in the ass!! Oh, he's friendly, but "DAMN leave me alone for twenty seconds" is the only thing I can think of when he's near me (or rather, ON me!) He doesn't shit in the house and that's a good thing! His turds are bigger than my head (size 7&3/8 hat. if I wear one?).

hey live in Brevard County. I haven't been there in almost a year. Stay, we could visit when I come see them ;-)

I'm glad Candice's dream didn't curse your flight!

Breathe said...

Darn, it's hell when our parent start doting on dogs. This is why I refuse to get my mom a dog. I'm confident I'd never get home made tacos ever again.

Glad you resisted the urge to poop on the rug. Just sayin.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

You just listed every reason why I will never own a little dog. Big dogs don't yap. They house train within 24 hours if the owner knows how to train them ... blah, blah, blah.

I hate yappers.

injaynesworld said...

Spoken like a true jealous sibling. ;) I'd take a close look at their will if I were you.

Bella said...

Yaphopper! too funny!

If I ever buy me a yappy dog that'll be its name! hahaha

still laffing...

Miz Dinah said...

Fun-NY! I can't stand yappy dogs and I agree that they are devil spawn. I think this one knows how to push your buttons! You'd better sleep with one eye open, lest the tiny turdinator leave a chocolate on your pillow.

Chris H said...

How sad to be replaced by a dog in your parent's affections.
I know the feeling. My Mum has replaced all her family affections with a new man. He comes first and last with her now. nice. At least Fergie is cute.... in a wee dog way! lol

Dawn in Austin said...

Oh my, I've realized, now that my kids are gone, I've turned into your mother!

P.S. My husband is the one who talks baby talk to the dogs!

Tgoette said...

I know exactly how you feel. My parents got a Yorkie about ten years ago, which coincidentally was the same time I ceased to be the center of their world. Ahh, but I am content for now to leave them their doggy joy as I float around the periphery of their lives. My day will come again...another ten years or so and I will be back on top!

Red Shoes said...

Damn lucky dog... arf arf arf...

Rejoice that you get to spend time with your parents... I miss mine immensely... each and every day...

I'm glad you had this time with them... and that damn dog... arf arf arf...

~shoes~

MiMi said...

Geez, it makes you think that if there is reincarnation? You'd wanna be Fergie.
This reminds me of my parent's dog...I'd be like, "Oh, papa, you're grandson said his first word!!"
He'd be like, "Bear (the name of the little 4 legged poop machine) can talk!"
OH.MY.HELL. No wonder I'd still like to kick that dog.

Candice said...

I bet you secretly wish your plane would have crashed now, huh?

;)

My Mom has this ugly ass low riding Welsh Corgi that she treats like a baby. She even dresses the damn thing, but not the in same degreading way that I dress my dog for the purpose of pictures.

I get my revenge by kicking "Zoey" in the ass every time my mom leaves the room. I suggest you try that. It's fun.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You cracked me up so much I had to reread this to my husband. This is EXACTLY why I can NEVER have a dog. I'd become your mother.

Great post,
jj

blognut said...

You better suck it up and make friends with the little yapper. The dog is clearly in charge around there!

katydidnot said...

My mom is the same way with her dog. I find it weird. Super weird.

bernthis said...

Oh God, shoot me if Teddy ever becomes that important to me.

Danica said...

LOL My sister is the same way with her dog and when my mom was alive she did the very same thing.

25BAR said...

Have fun in Florida!

Jimmy Bastard said...

Ahhh come on now hen, wee dogs are for Christmas not just Easter!

only a movie said...

Too funny.

I would love it if my mother got a dog. She needs something to do...

LadyFi said...

Ahh... very funny indeed for us to read... perhaps less funny for you though... Still, nice for your parents to have a furry little something to dote on?

järnebrand said...

Funny post. :) I love some dogs more than I love some people, but I love no dogs more than I love my kids... I am guessing that dog is a major part of the glue that is sticking your parents together these days. I think that dog has somewhat become the symbol for the love they share, and the love they have shared, and the love they obviously have for you.
Thank you for sharing, and congrats on the POTW from Hilary!
Love/ Jo.

Dianne said...

hahah!! my son once told me he thought he was allergic to the cats
I told him I hoped he found a nice new place to live ;)

congrats on POTW

Cricket said...

Ugh. Don't care much for those little yap-dogs. Who ever decided to breed those? Very funny and congratulations on the potw.

Given a choice between a pet and another child, I'd take the child, hands down. At least my children stopped pooping on the floor.

Daryl said...

Congrats on POTW mention from Hilary

Land of shimp said...

I like terriers, but Yorkies are a bit too much for me. Heh, I'll bet if given the opportunity to enumerate the virtues of the dog versus the virtues of an adult child, your parents would easily make you hate the dog more. Mind boggling, but likely true :-)

Yes, as the mom of a nineteen-year-old I say with conviction, even the most incontinent dog on the face of the planet is more likely to listen. Costs much less in college tuition, and if you saw his room, you'd know a pile on the carpet is small potatoes is compared to the mess of that cave.

As for the shrill quality? My son is going through a rap music phase, the lyrics of which make me want to run screaming through the streets. Shrilly.

Congratulations on the post of the week mention over at Hilary's blog :-)

ethelmaepotter! said...

This is so funny, because it rings so true. I know many older couples who think their dogs are IT ON A STICK. Can-do-no-wrong. I can only hope that doesn't happen to me.

Congrats on POTW!

Sandra said...

I'm sorry but I really do think Fergie is cute. But I would draw the line at "cute poop".

Tough to compete with a cute pup, huh?

Sandra said...

I'm sorry but I really do think Fergie is cute. But I would draw the line at "cute poop".

Tough to compete with a cute pup, huh?

TSannie said...

Grinning!

Well deserved POTW mention!

CherylK said...

Stopped by to congratulate you on your POTW award. Well deserved. Funny, funny post. I do like dogs and Fergie is cute but I cannot abide anything that yaps so I sympathise.

Pat said...

You are SUCH a gifted writer! This was hysterical! I LOVE the way you write! I could just picture your parents fawning over the poop-a-nator.

midlifeslices said...

Awww....how sweet. Sibling rivalry. :)