April 9, 2010

Embarrassing Moment #12,363

I wasn't going to say anything, but it happened so long ago that I feel comfortable parting with the story. See, I was the last one to leave my office one evening, and I had stopped into the johnna before the long ride home. I was wearing a cute little sweater dress with black tights and boots. After conducting my business, and by the time I'd gotten myself put back together, including my coat, bags, and purse, something didn't feel quite right.

As a veteran thongster, I can swear on a stack of Dan Brown novels that once I'm in my thong, I don't feel it. Sometimes I have to ask myself, Hey, did you remember to put on panties? But apparently this night, because of the snug fit of my tights and the unusual tugging I'd done to get them up and in place, it felt like somebody was behind me trying to stretch my thong up over my head. Ever done that? Walk up behind somebody, see the elastic band of their undies, and just yank on them till the person squirms? Frankly, there's nothing more gratifying. However, I was on my own here.

I was in a hurry to get home to watch Cougar Town, so I hurried out of the johnna doing a shimmy and shaking thing, trying to reposition the thong via osmosis. I get to our little lobby and hit DOWN to call the elevator. It's so quiet at night on our floor, and kind of creepy when all you can hear are the noises of the building's inner workings—the ticks, the grumblings, the air handlers, etc. And I'm standing there, thinking osmosis is a lame concept and I can't stand one more second of this discomfort cuz the back of my thong could be lodged crackside for eternity. With briefs, you can just tug on the leg band and the annoying clump of fabric between your cheeks is a thing of the past. Not so with a thong—much more complex operation, I assure you. So I drop everything I'm carrying and lift up the back of my dress, grope blindly for the waistband of my tights, and then shove my hand down there—wa-a-a-ay down there. More shimmying and shaking is required, plus a little "spread 'em" action to aid in a successful wedgectomy.

It is at this moment that the elevator dings, signaling the arrival of my ride down. I have time for one last squirm to extricate the recalcitrant thong, when two guys in jeans and tennies appear in the hallway to my right, carrying a ladder and toolboxes. They stop, ten feet from me, stunned and speechless. In one fluid movement, I release the thong, withdraw my hand, and grab my stuff on the floor. I throw myself into the elevator, smack the close-the-damn-door button, and pray the workmen are not going DOWN. After interminable seconds, the doors finally seal me inside—alone—while the muffled sounds of men giggling echo in my brain.

Thus, a proud moment imprints itself into Fragrant Liar's history.

The upside is, I don't think they recognized me. They weren't actually looking at my face.
.

55 comments:

Hilary said...

Ha.. well you did a good deed. No doubt you made their day. ;)

Snappy Di said...

I just cannot wear those things. Call me lame, but I've tried and can't. wear. them.

Glad you gave the men a laugh.. probably the hi-lite of their day. LOL

Di
The BLue Ridge Gal

Julie said...

Oh Lord. Been there, done that. Frankly a woman my size has no business wearing a thong, so I get what I deserve.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Everytime those "workmen" come to that spot on that floor, I am sure they fondly recall the night they shared that thong digger action with you. OMG.
Even when I kinda get where you are going in your posts, I can't help but be carried away by your stories. Too funny my dear.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

OMG.

I won't tell you about the time that I came out of the office ladies room with the hem of my dress caught up in the backside of the waistband of my pantyhose (this was in the early '80s, hence, the pantyhose . . . and the job . . . anyway . . .). A man standing by the elevator told me that, ahem, my dress was caught in my pantyhose. My entire backside was exposed. But I'm not going to tell you about it because I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

TechnoBabe said...

They weren't looking at your face. You are so funny. I bet they are still telling their friends that story. They probably earned some free beers with this one. Ha.

JoeinVegas said...

Now I'll have to search YouTube to see if those guys posted anything . . .

(another reason to go comando)

Terry said...

Ohhhhh how embarrassing!! I bet the guys enjoyed it though so don't worry, you put a smile on their faces and in their pants :)

Jazz said...

Always good that they're not looking at your face....

Homemaker Man said...

Is the embarrassing part Cougar Town? Hey, we've all picked a wedge from time to time. You should've waggled your eyebrows at them and said, "Your welcome." as the doors closed.

mo.stoneskin said...

I've never had a wedgectomy. Never want to. I pick my boxers carefully. I don't ride bikes. I don't wear thongs.

Sea Witch said...

Ya see, this is why I always advocate not wearing underwear. You never get caught with your hands in a personal sandwich. Sea Witch

foxy said...

Seriously?? That is the FUNNIEST FREAKING STORY I've heard in a long time, girl. Wow. And yes i know how far down you have to go for a wedgectomy... far enough to pull that baby down and out of the crevice!! Been there, done that. Ha. But to get caught? Freaking classic.

Secretia said...

That made their day!

Eva Gallant said...

If that didn't teach you, nothing will! Thongs are instruments of torture!

Tabatha said...

this was great!! glad you shared a laugh with all of us

injaynesworld said...

Hey -- was that you? I think I saw the video on YouTube. ;)

CherylK said...

Hilarious! I can tell I'm really gonna like this blog...you've got grit, girl!

ellen abbott said...

Me and thongs? Never. I'm the original princess and the pea. I would go mad with something wedged in my crack.

Megs said...

Ouch.

On the bright side, they probably couldn't describe you in too much detail, so no one else ever had to know it was you.

midlifeslices said...

Wedgectomys are exactly the reason the only thongs I wear are the ones that go on my feet.

You should have taken a bow and THEN made a dash for the elevator. LOL I'm sure you made their day.

Everyday Goddess said...

I bow to your thong-wearingness.

xo

Midlife Jobhunter said...

At least you weren't pulling out toilet paper, or something worse. I could just picture you. Funny.

steelxmagnolia said...

Oh, Fragrant, you are side splittingly funny. Reminded of one evening working late on the 26th floor of a tower of glass and steel in mid-town Manhattan. Mid 1980s. My very own SATC episode. My friend, an invetment banker in a building diagonal to mine phoned to meet for a drink and a dance at Limelight. He, too, was facing Park Ave and 49th. He wanted to wave. I flashed the lights which didn't help so I did what any red-blooded woman alone in her office at 10:30 PM would do: I flashed him. Pulled my silk blouse and bra up to bare the girls. He didn't see. But I got a round of applause and blinking lights from the cleaners in the office directly across the street from mine. Cheers to us for making their days!

Suzy said...

I had put on some weight about 2 years ago and had to go to movie screening. I grabbed a Spanx and after much discussion, got it to cooperate and go over my stomach. I sat through a 2 hour screening and needed to use the loo before I drove home.

I stood up and something did NOT feel right. I was wearing a baggy dress so I could pretend I was just rearranging it while I tried to figure out what was wrong. Halfway up the aisle I realized the waistband of the spanx had slipped down and was now under my ASS. So on top of everything I could barely move my legs.

I once mimed this for my sister and we were laughing so hard people at the pharmacy we were at moved away from us because I looked like I was having a stroke.

ModernMom said...

Bwhahaha Love it! As a thong wearer myself I so see how this could happen.
Just think, now you an urban legend. Every dude in your area will be clamouring to work in your office after hours to catcha glimpse of panty girl:)

mac said...

I don't own any underwear.

I have, however, been caught adjusting my package.

I feel sorry for ya. But wish I was one of those workers a bit more ;-)

Irish Gumbo said...

You sure that wasn't Embarrassing Moment #12,362?

(And now I know I recognize you. Good thing I didn't drop that toolbox on my foot :))

daisyfae said...

almost hate to mention this, but many elevators (hotels in particular) have cameras... just a warning for future wedgery...

katydidnot said...

I am going to buy some thongs. Because this? Is awesome. And I need some funny to write about.

Wildernesschic said...

That is hilarious !! I bet they loved it , thanks for sharing xx

Midlife Mama said...

OMFG I think I almost peed myself laughing! hahahahahaha OMG!!!!! hahahaha the more I think about it the funnier it is. hehe! And umm...yeah that's one reason I don't wear thongs.

MiMi said...

I've done that! Only not with a thing, with regular undies! How talented is that?

Brian Miller said...

ha. love hilary's comment as well. i am sure they carry around the memory with a smile.

Jingle said...

you never know your potential on stuff until one day, you hit it.
fun post!

Jen said...

LOL. I agree with the others saying the guys probably appreciated the view.

FYI: Thongs are very comfy as long as you buy good quality and the right size. You sound like you already know that.

mac said...

You could tell them you were on your way to the movies.....you were just picking your seat.

Stepping said...

and I thought some of my embarassing moments were bad......

Jocelyn said...

Despite their not seeing your face, I like to think they'll recognize you anyhow next time they see you. Their eyes will be magically drawn to...your...junk...and they'll gasp in recognition.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Awww shucks ... that's NOTHING!
; )

Jason, as himself said...

I love it.

But maybe you actually deserved this incident for subjecting your booty to dental floss.

Candice said...

Real women wear thongs!

Jeanie said...

I'm sure you gave those two guys one of the best days of their lives. I just wonder how much they have embellished the story with each new telling.

otin said...

Well that was embarrassing for you, but I am sure that it gave those guys a thrill!

Bella said...

just go wedge-free commando!

Bella said...

by the way, love your new blog look!

bernthis said...

to me, wearing a thong is permanent wedgie. I feel it no matter what.

suzicate said...

Ha, I'll bet they're still talking about it! Too funny!

Robert the Skeptic said...

" The upside is, I don't think they recognized me. They weren't actually looking at my face."

Hmmm... just keep telling yourself that. More likely you totally Made their day.

blognut said...

Thanks for the laugh!!!

I totally feel your pain, which is why I wear only thigh highs tights and hose; NEVER anything that will cause my thong to visit my internal organs.

Deborah said...

Very funny!! The perfect scenario for A Sex and the City episode.

At least your hand was down the BACK of your thong...

Red Shoes said...

Personally... I enjoy tugging at thongs too... !!! :oD

~shoes~

Pat said...

OMG now THAT was funny. Embarrassing and humiliating, but funny, nonetheless. Glad they weren't co-workers 'cause you'd NEVER live that down. And, yes, you DID make their night. And yes, again, they'd never recognize you 'cause their eyes never went above your neck!

Gropius said...

So I thoroughly enjoyed this crack me up tale. And also, I wonder if I can cross the barrier and give thongs a try. I have never been able to. But there's hope.

Murr Brewster said...

I am so afraid that if I tried a thong, my ass would ingest it like those old trees that eat up cable wire. All you'd see was a bulge of bark.