July 18, 2010

French Lick

I don't understand why it's important for a dog to kiss you (or more succinctly, lick you) right IN the mouth.

Yes, I do have a dog to keep me company. A 9-ish-year-old husky-shepherd mix named Max who gets quite amused at my commando romping. Or maybe he's just wagging that tail in anticipation of any ice cream that drops so he can slurp it up. He is definitely a fan of Rocky Road and Yanni, but frankly I think he prefers Pralines and Cream with a rockin' dose of Daughtry. So, just for Max, I switch off according to my mood. It's the difference between my affinity for flowing dark hair on a man versus completely bald and bad-boy sexy, both of which are integral to a man's do-ability quotient, and therefore infinitely important. There, I said it.

Max was my sister's dog. Since my sister passed 20 months ago, Max has been making the rounds with family. We all love him, though we all have very busy and sometimes chaotic lives that make living with a bigger dog more difficult. He is now my companion for awhile.

But Max likes me a little too much sometimes, as evidenced by his attempts to not only kiss me on the mouth French style, but also to climb his big ass onto the couch to sit on my lap, sniff at my heels from room to room, and, naturally, to shove his nose in my crotch.

Why? WHY do dogs do this? And do I want to know?

Sitting out by the pool this morning, Max came up beside me. As I turned and said hello, he stuck his tongue in my mouth.

Ick! Ew!

I have dumped guys—some I haven't even dated yet—for that very thing.

Max then let his tongue hang out, panted a few beats, and laid his head on my lap. Like, Ain't no thang, baby.

Suddenly it occurred to me that I may, in fact, have all the man I need—without those annoying fights over True Blood, jaunts with the boys to Hooters, and immature chuckling over farting in public. I admit, not many men like those traits in a girl. Max, he's just happy to be with me.

If only he could afford me.
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44 comments:

morethananelectrician said...

I think he's just trying to find himself a permanent residence! Hopefully this same beast in not a "butt licker."

secret agent woman said...

Ha! I had a little bit of a gag reflex reading this! I can honestly say, though, that I'd dump a man for expecting em to go to Hooters long before I would over an awkward kiss. Still, I could go my whole life without either. (But how sweet that he wants to sit on your lap.)

Casey Freeland said...

I think the way it works is that if a dog is dominant and more alpha, then they may lick your face go get your attention and get a strong reaction from you, buy if they are more docile, they are doing it to show deference or because they are nervous.

Casey

Janina Farias said...

OMG! I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years yesterday and I spent the moring listing all the things I wasn't going to miss. Fart humor was in the top 5. Why, why, why do they do this? I just don't understand. I also don't understand their inability to NOT leave skidmarks in their underwear.

Eva Gallant said...

A loving dog---what more could you want? lol

Gaelyn said...

Sounds like you'll need to put Max to work so he can support you in the custom you'd like to grow accustomed. Such a handsome lad. He's just doing his "doggie" I love you thing. Hope he hasn't licked anything else first.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

He's really cute. I'm sure he just sniffs your butt because it smells so good????

ellen abbott said...

I think he's just trying to figure out what you had for dinner with the whole butt sniffing thing. No idea what the whole mouth kissing thing is though.

mac said...

Let's examine this, shall we?

He is living in your house.
He sits in your lap.
He gets to sniff your crotch.
He sees you nekkid.

Dang, I'd kiss (lick?) you every chance I got too !

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Aw Max, such unabashed love!
As before, I behind in my blog reading. But I hope everything is going well there .... thinking of you!

Homemaker Man said...

He is a pretty dog.

They kiss you in the mouth, it has been theorized recently, because when wolves hunt in a pack, they come back still reeking of dead flesh and offal, and the puppies or the weaker dogs will lick them in the mouth to try to get a taste.

This is NOT a comment on your breath, which I'm sure smells like the orange flavor of Listerine at all times.

Eternally Distracted said...

My Max has a much sharper beak and thankfully smaller tongue... although when the little shit bites me I would gratefully trade him for a french kissing dog.

Murr Brewster said...

No one cares for the crotch thing, but on the other hand I knew a dog once who had a lot of...skills. Did I say that? See, right there. That's why I can't ever run for office.

Princess Stupidhead said...

I think it's because they don't have functioning lips - so this is the way they mimic our kissing. The sniffing is just so the dog can be sure it's you before he sticks his tongue down your throat.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Having been the owner of St. Bernards which make this dog look like a designer hand bag dog (which I own now, damn it), the dog is just trying to see what ya been up to. literally. How else is he gonna ask ya, where ya been, who'd ya see, why'd ya go there????? You know, that stuff ya don't miss from the in resident men folk. He's just conversing with you. And no you don't hafta get down to his level and do the same.....he expects you to be the gorgeous bitch you are. tee hee (and no I never say that like it's a bad thing, three snaps). says The Olde Bagg

TechnoBabe said...

Maybe Max could earn enough to keep you in the lifestyle you love by posing for calendars? Or becoming an actor? If Max is currently being moved from home to home maybe he is overanxious to please. Kinda like I was moving to different foster homes.

McGillicutty said...

Awww me thinks Max may stay with you a little longer than you thought.
My little boy, Mac, doesn't lick, it's the girl Daisy who will plant one on ya.

slommler said...

Max is adorable and he is obviously in love with you. Yes they do sniff in inappropriate places but in dog speak...that is considered a high compliment!!!!
And let's face it...a dog is much more loyal and committed that any "man" would or could be!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Snappy Di said...

Any dog named Max has my vote. Dogs lick and sniff because in their world that is how they get to know other doggies. He obviously has accepted you into the doggie pack. What a sweet thing to do. I think you should keep him forever... put a ring on it so to speak.. LOL

Cinner said...

Hi I am just new to your blog, thanks for visiting mine, I could so relate to this about your dog, I think anyone whom owns a dog will. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, I lost my Dad just over a year, so my thoughts are with you. I am a new follower. have a great day.

Lisa said...

Hilarious! And I don't know why they do those things, but it's funny when they do it to someone else.

Zuzana said...

What a great post and what a lovely dog too.;) Husky's have always have been my favourite with their enigmatic blue eyes and wolf's resemblance.;)
I am so sorry to hear about your sister...
Thank you so much for your kind visit and a lovely comment as well.;)
xo

California Girl said...

my dog licks my face and mouth (not IN the mouth however) and I let him because I miss my cat so much. He's now had to replace her in my affection and I treat him like the great big affectionate funny fellow he is.

Nice post and super nice comment "he just likes to be with me". That's a dog for you!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahahaha! I think you might have that figured out. And Hooter"s - such a slam on woman. I think Bone Daddy's is owned by the same group.

Sometimes the life that an animal brings is just enough to take out some of the lonely - or bring a wish for more of it.

Pat said...

Dogs sniff each others butts as a way of saying hello. They don't sit down and shake paws. Soooo, Max sniffing your crouch was his way of saying, "Hello"! *wiggling eyebrows*

Throw in a french kiss, and if the next step is that he's humping your leg, then I'd say it's time to pass him on to the next family member.

Otherwise he's just doing what dogs do. :)

Irish Gumbo said...

Max is a lucky dog!

BTW, is there some way to get an objective assessment of one's 'do-ability'? Just curious...:)

yogurt said...

I see a singles bar, er, I mean a dog park, in your future.

Sid said...

Haha. "I admit, not many men like those traits in a girl."

I've never owned a dog. I'm more of a cat person. My cats think it's okay to sleep on TOP of me. Not next to me. On TOP!

drollgirl said...

aw, max loves you. and i am so glad you and other family members are taking care of him!

injaynesworld said...

I think you've got a keeper there. Of course, it's easy for me to say with my four-pound Chihuahua, Dixie.

Enjoy the unconditional love. It's hard to find.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Awwwwe --- he wubs you.

Brian Miller said...

he is just trying to get to know you...smiles.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Dogs aren't just MAN's best friend. They can make a girl feel pretty special too. Max looks like a sweetheart.
jj

Candice said...

And you won't have to put out to Max???? Hopefully ;)

Angie Ledbetter said...

Ah, Max and a winning lottery ticket, and you'll be all set. :D

Jennifer said...

Makes me think of Lucy from Charlie Brown....DOG GERMS!!! The french kiss is only enhanced if he precedes it with an energetic licking of his own private regions....

Danica said...

HA!!! Brought back a trip to my nail tech's house last night when her dog licked me in the mouth after eating her poop. I threw up a little. LOL

Joker_SATX said...

You do sound like the perfect woman! Oh My God! I would give anything to be with a girl that isn't afraid to just let one rip right in the middle of a crowd!

Damn that Max is one lucky pooch!

Madame DeFarge said...

Not something that I'd welcome, especially if he'd been attending elsewhere first. Find him a lady friend quickly. One with a handsome owner.

Mrsblogalot said...

He sounds like a dream! Except for the french kissing stuff but you know what? ...they pee outside and never look at you like ...'hey, looks like you put on a few pounds there chicky'

Dogs are the most perfect of creatures!

Shrinky said...

He's gorgeous ('cept for the French kissing lark), and is obviously devoted, but I know what you mean about a "larger" dog sitting on your lap, it plain squashes you flat, and oh Gawwwwd, heaven forbid, you already had an open laptop balanced there!

only a movie said...

What a pretty dog. Glad you have some company. (Nice pool, too).

:-)

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

We have two dogs, and the little furball, alfred, climbs up and lovingly darts his tongue in and out. Love him, and yes, blech. We avoid mouth to mouth contact because, yes blech.

Take it as luuuuv.......

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

"If only he could afford me."

Perfect ending. Perfect.