October 6, 2010

Something Really Bugs Me

The fuckbuddies are out.

Oh yeah, they are landing at my feet, walking up my legs, tickling my neck and ears. There is no way to avoid them—believe me, I've tried. All I have to do is walk outside and they're all over me, like Sarah Palin at an "Obama is a Socialist Muslim Illegal Immigrant" rally.

I know! Right? He's totally not a socialist.

So yeah, Florida is full of fuckbuddies. They cruise around until they spy somebody unattached and then hook up and drag each other around in active coitus, like they were born to do just this one thing forever. For god's sake, get a room, fuckbuddies! It's not like there aren't a gazillion bushes you could sneak behind for a little privacy. I see you coming and I recoil in disgust. "My eyes! My eyes!"

I give you an inside look at this immodest Central Florida couple I encountered recently outside my house, Fanny and Fred. The bigass one is, of course, the female. Nature is cruel.

So lusty clutchers, I beg you! When you're done doing that . . . thing you're doing . . . STOP! Honestly, you're so needy and clingy and—I'm going out on a limb here—co-dependent. It's pathetic. Words of advice:  relax and let go!

What. You thought I was talking about dating? Not even!

Although . . .

Nah.
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33 comments:

Gaelyn said...

I figure there must be some people in Florida that fall into this category also. LOL

Hilary said...

Snort.. too funny.

Miz Dinah said...

Ew! What ARE those?

Lisa said...

Ha! Nature is cruel. Did I see one of those bugs holding a cigarette?

daisyfae said...

We always thought they were "Love Bugs". That's what my polite in-laws always called them, anyway. i enjoyed seeing them hit the windshield of the car... even that didn't seem to interfere with their fucking, though.

Missy said...

LOL! FB means something entirely different in this neck of the woods!

Eva Gallant said...

You are too funny! lol

injaynesworld said...

And here I thought I was going to hear about your latest escapades...

Those creatures seriously need to go hear a Bristol Palin lecture on abstinence. I think she starts out saying, "I used to be a fuckbuddy, but now..."

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Yeah, well...look what the state of Florida is shaped like. All danglin' out there like that. Bugs can't help it :)

Fred Miller said...

I was going to save this until morning, but when I saw your first sentence in my Google Reader, I had to come to your site. This reminds me of those late night drives along the Gulf Coast during fuck-buddy season. I knew which truck stops had huge drums of soapy water and long-handled brushes to clean the windshield about every two hours. Brings back memories, Babe.


Bud of the Baskervilles

Jeanne said...

I thought that was mostly a springtime activity.

Oh, that's right. You're talking about Florida.

Pat said...

It's pretty sad when I'm envying the love life of a bug.

'nuff said.

morethananelectrician said...

I saw these same bugs doing the same thing in Georgia last week...I was facinated. I could tell which one was the because he just roled over and went to sleep.

mac said...

Well, I always thought they were called Love Bugs. But, I like your name better.

Lucky little fuckers, aren't they?

Lori said...

LOL You crack me up! Thank you!

slommler said...

You had me going with this one!! Ha!! The nerve of them...out in public like that!!
Hugs
SueAnn

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Those Fuckers and Fucking to create Baby Fuckers that will come and Fuck with you when they hatch.

Not way!

TechnoBabe said...

You have so many new pets in Florida, and how the heck do you know the bigass one is the female? Dang.

Gaston Studio said...

I'm still laughing at Rene's comment about the shape of Florida!

haphazardlife said...

No use denying it, you're just jealous.

- Jazz

Linda Medrano said...

What are those things? I like what you call them, but what is their real name? Will you mail me some?

Brian Miller said...

hehe...dont miss those from FL...at all...

Captain Dumbass said...

If I come back as a bug, I hope it's that one.

Irish Gumbo said...

That baby got back.

Hey, whats the Latin genus and species of them there fuckbuddies, Ms. Entomologist, you?

secret agent woman said...

When I was a kid we called them lovebugs, which is a wee bit more discreet.

Pseudo said...

You are too much fun.

Ruth said...

Here it's the Japanese beetles. At least they are a little prettier (shinier) to watch . . .

nick said...

Darn it! Knew there was a reason I should have become an entomologist, instead of a chemist.

Matty said...

Somehow I knew you weren't talking about people. Yeah, these things have no morals, do they? LOL

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so over them! :(

Loz said...

And here I was thinking they were native to Australia

Heidi said...

Coffee spewingly hilarious. I'm a new fan!

trash talk said...

Man alive...that must be some hot sex if they're willing to die for it!
D