October 27, 2010

Use Me If You Must, Eye-talians

Did you hear about the town of Castellammare di Stabia in southern Italy? They're banning "very scanty clothing". Their definition of very scanty includes mini-skirts, low-slung jeans, and plunging necklines. This is to guard against anti-social behavior.

WHA-A-A-T?

Let me assure you, Castle o' mama de Stubble (whatever), people parading around in very scanty clothing are begging for PRO-social behavior. I should know. I'm very social, and I certainly do my share of begging. Besides, and let this be a lesson to you, nobody needs to get all anti-scanty cuz everybody knows that when you go anti-scanty you invite scanty right to your doorstep. Geez.

I totally know what I'm talking about.

Because I'm single, social clothing is part of my dating arsenal. Oh please, you can't get a date if you don't get noticed! Case in point, I once wore a mini-skirt to an Austin bar, and a guy who wanted to be all social jerked his head around to watch me walk by, when he ran smack into a support beam. I hurried over to help him up and see how big that knot on his head was gonna get. See? Totally social behavior. And altruistic, I might add.

Social Behavior Alert! Just FYI, plunging necklines can get a guy real social in a hurry. You just have to keep pointing out that you like eye contact from time to time, and you're good.

Of course, I'm not an advocate for revealing your butt crack in low-slung jeans to total strangers. I really must draw a line in the sand there. Though I'm totally anti-crack, expressing it to the universe just invites it to me, so I'm going with, "I'm totally pro-crack." See how that works? Anyway, showing your butt crack around the trailer park is okay, sure. But to the grocery store? How can I buy produce with a crevasse winking at me? That's a little too social. I do have morals. Obviously.

Disclaimer: Since I'm an Independent, I don't biologically have as many morals as the Republicans—but definitely way more than the Dems. What a bunch of debauchery sluts they are, eh?

The city council from Calemari de Stabya . . . ville (whatever) has determined that banning scanty clothing makes their city more civilized. I say that's blasphemous! But listen up, they are also banning blaspheming, sunbathing in public, and playing football in public areas.

WHA-A-A-T?

Okay, now that's absurd, right? Blaspheming and sunbathing in public are quite social behaviors, and you can even do both at the same time. This is how some people breed, and how social is that? But come on! No football in public areas? Is there anything more UNcivilized?

(Psst! Eye-talian football = soccer. Never forget, these people are primitive.)

So Cast a lamb in de Stables (whatever), I'm begging you to hire me to fix your anti-social problem. Since I'm currently unemployed and nearly destitute—and fractionally moral—I can fix your anti-social behavior problem. I am highly qualified in pro-social behavior. Why, I even write very social smut from time to time—and get paid for it! Though not lately. Still, you could use me. Because I'm so social, I'd let you.
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49 comments:

Homemaker Man said...

What a crazy country. Wasn't it Italy that at some point declared that women who were wearing Jeans couldn't be raped because the jeans were too tight while simultaneously having an ex-porn star in their legislature? Those people know how to party. Or absolutely don't.

haphazardlife said...

I can't help but wonder if that means they'll ban the Ginos wearing their shirts unbuttoned halfway down their bellies and huge gold pendants around their necks.

- Jazz

creative kerfuffle said...

ah--they must not have seen footloose. they could learn a lot from that movie. banning things always always always leads to trouble.

bunny said...

Damn...I better put away my Daisy Dukes and halter top...you never know whos watching...especially in this election time...lol


tootles,
bunny

Expat From Hell said...

Well, then. You can take the girl out of Texas, but....EFH

Linda Medrano said...

If I was gay, I'd be in love with you but I'm not so where does that leave us? Okay, I think I love you anyway.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Interesting. I am very much pro scanty clothing.

foxy said...

WHAAAAAAAAAT??

That's just ridiculous. And i think they're just asking for more problems!!

Matty said...

Anti-social behavior? And dressing everyone up is going to correct that??

I appreciate me some scanty clothing, so thank goodness I don't live over there. And I've mastered the fine art of checking a woman out while maintaining eye contact. Next time we're together, be sure to wear your mini-skirt and plunging neckline. I'll barely notice. I promise.

Red Shoes said...

I still have images of this young lady etched in my mind from lunch earlier today... After seeing her, there was NOTHING on the menu that I wanted... :oD

... and then the young lady at Starbucks this past Sunday...

Yum... the flavor of the moment...

~shoes~

Travis Erwin said...

And I thought the French were weird.

Madame DeFarge said...

Maybe we should all dress like nuns? Do you think that would make them happy?

injaynesworld said...

What a perfect place for the Bristol Palin Abstinence Tour.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I can't view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.

Eddie Bluelights said...

I found the lady getting into the car very eye catching and not in the slightest too revealing. Her assets are totally wonderful and should be seen and not rude in any way. Had I been driving I might have been accused, rightly, of not keeping my eyes on the road. Had she revealed a lot more the magic would have been lost and she would be brashy not classy.

We find in UK that the beaurocrats are going well overboard with totally uneccessary and over the top "Unacceptable Behaviour" limits. So much so we cannot now tell office jokes for fear of being sued - all under this dreadful umbrella, "Political Correctness".
What is the world coming to . . . we can't complement a woman without people thinking we are about to rape her! Not like it used to be.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"You just have to keep pointing out that you like eye contact from time to time,"

Hahahahahahaha! This is more fun that social smut.

Brian Miller said...

haha...love it...even a little politics thrown in...just shaking my head sometimes...and peeking out of the corner of my eye

daisyfae said...

and you need to ban dancing. dancing leads to... FORNICATION!

(yes. i said the "F" word. oh dear)

Fred Miller said...

Not sure what blasphemy is, but I think banning blasphemy is a kind of blasphemy.

mac said...

So, why do I know so many Italian gys who wear their shirts unbuttoned down to their navel?

Maybe the gold chain is the loophole?

Missy said...

LOL!
I am Pro Crack!
That statement keeps them away right?
Hope you get the job...

Irish Gumbo said...

Was there a story to go with that picture? *blinkblink*

Eva Gallant said...

Love it! I posted on this same subject yesterday!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

And if they break the rules??? Anti-social behavior? I wonder what the definition of that one is.

I'm Jane said...

Aren't Italians supposed to be all slutty and hot? I'm feeling very disillusioned right now...like Italy is giving us the bait and switch.

Symdaddy said...

Someone told me once (a priest) that Italy during the 70's and 80's was Europe's leading manufacturer of condoms!

I wonder if the Pope knew?

slommler said...

What is this world coming too? And no football in public? I mean, seriously!!!! Really...I mean...really? Of course, you did point out they are primitive when it comes to the sport of "football". They really mean soccer...sheesh! What kind of public sport is that? I mean football is gridiron and helmets and pads and jock straps and sweat and broken bones!! Pigskin rules!!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Lisa said...

Well, it sounds like it's time to go to that town and form a soccer team of blaspheming, scantily-clad socialites. As a form of community service, of course.

I'll go apply for that passport.

Gaston Studio said...

Wow, Italy has sure changed since I was there... when guys would come on to you while you're holding hands with your honey... and rub your ass right in front of him. Times... they are a'changin!

Didactic Pirate said...

Heh. If you can cause guys to damage themselves just by wearing a mini-skirt... that's pretty awesome. That's a skill, I'm saying.

This post made me chuckle out loud three separate times. Therefore... I'm in.

Lori said...

LOl You so crack me up...I needed this right now...thank you! I like you, am not conservative enough for the republicans and more conservative then democrats...I guess that makes me an independent that is not looking forward to voting next week!

Happy Thursday! XX

Captain Dumbass said...

I am pro-crack.

rennschnecke (Starranger) said...

hmmm i have been there they are not
primitive , it´s all that they want
respect , when you go in a church
women cover their shoulders ,
and men wear no shorts .
they are not as fanatic as American
christs .
they are lovely people .
that ex-porn star was a protest ,
will you protest on 2nd of November ??

blueviolet said...

You are fractionally moral, but wholly hilarious!

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

they would be foolish not to snap you up right now...

Pat said...

Wait a minute now. I'm Eye-talian, AND I'm trailer trash, but I certainly don't parade around showing my butt-crack. Now my husband? That's a TOTALLY different story altogether! I thought the Eye-talians were supposed to be all superior lovers and such. But they don't want to see any women exposed, per say? Yeah, right! Give me a break!

Jack said...

There is ample reason to be anti-crack- just shop at Wal-Mart....

JoeinVegas said...

If that is you in the white skirt I am more impressed than ever.

Pearl said...

When scanty clothing is outlawed, only outlaws will wear scanty clothing.

:-)

Pearl

rory said...

I flippin' LOVE pro-social clothing.
In fact, it's the only thing I truly love about the summer touron season- the pro-social bikinis.

Jeanne said...

As a lifelong Democrat, I have to object to how well you know us.

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay, this post CRACKED me up. You had me rolling with the term 'anti-scanty'.

Joann Mannix said...

I had read this.

I've been to Italy. Italy is the center of scantily dressed and tight clothing. And I really want to see them try to enforce this. I know I certainly wouldn't want to tangle with an Italian woman.

We're supposed to be moving forward not backward. And sorry, but no one tells me what to do, not even my husband. I'd be protesting by marching up to City Hall in my lowest cut shirt, (and I have a lot of them) and tightest jeans.

Don't ban me baby, unless you want to lose a body part.

Liberality said...

I think the if you got it flaunt it rule applies here-except for butt cracks, they should never be seen in public.

So, have they hired you yet? :)

♥ Braja said...

OK, one look at that picture and I'm thinking, "If that's Fragrant's butt, then she ain't really single and this whole blogging about her singlehood is a scam...."

Hilary said...

Geesh.. I've never had to remind anyone about keeping eye contact. Now I'm depressed. ;)

nick said...

I thought the Italians invented scanty clothing?

Casey Freeland said...

So, I'm gone for more than two months. I come back to read some of my good ol' friend blogs and who gets my attention first. You of course!

Why? Because of the picture, of course!

I'm so simple.

You're right about the anti-scanty bringing on the scanty, of course. It's like when a movie "almost" gets a NC-17 rating to build interest before it gets knocked back down to a simple R. Everyone is going to see that smut.

Rules build excitement. No rules, everyone naked, no big deal.

Great post!

Cheers,

Casey

givejonadollar said...

God, in a world without women and tight clothing I would live in, well, Saudi Arabia.

Suicide would be quite acceptable. :)