November 8, 2010

When Good Women Get Pissy

You know how you spend your whole adult life trying to be cool-headed and thoughtful and role-model-y for your kids? You might be all angelfishy in the tanky-poo, but then something royally hinky happens to screw up your day, like your lawyer forgets you exist and your case languishes in some dusty file room, and you feel landlocked cuz you wanna swim with the sharks, or better still, be the shark. Uh-oh.

Yeah, suddenly you're transformed. You spit the serenity prayer. You burst your spongy stress ball. You gnash on cheery rainbows. You roll up your sleeves and dare your foe to "Bring it." You huff and puff and lather yourself into a white-hot frenzy that can only be cured by excoriating your victim with a serrated-edged tongue, after which you must shove your overheated body into the freezer. Naked.

Family Safety Hint: During this time? Do not approach your supreme leader. She must cool down, and you cannot facilitate this process with tepid apologies. Plus, she wants to revel in her righteous indignation because it's liberating and empowering and all kinds of orgasmic to be the firing squad for a change. But because she's not normally a sprayer of evil, she is out of practice and you will likely get some on you. Run.

Losing it is not a moment that the kind-hearted, compassionate woman is going to feel proud about afterward. But she will damn-well feel sensational after clearing her head of the nice-girl clutter, the pretentious civility, and the ridiculosity of trying to look at asshattery from someone else's viewpoint. Allow her space. And ice cream. Amen.

You probably didn't know that storming and stomping around is healthy, but the pissy woman gets all aerobic in the venting process. Plus, she will get a blog post out of it. And if a man is involved, he may get take-it-out-on-you sex. Not making promises, but there's anecdotal evidence that it's happened at least once in recorded history. Google.

Thing is, I live alone. There are no witnesses to any gratifying tirades. So if nobody within 10,000 square feet hears me bitch, does that mean it didn't happen? Crap.

Woot-woot! Hillary gifted me with this!

61 comments:

Linda in New Mexico said...

In my vast experience of bitching to no one there the answer is Rocky Road.

Kristina P. said...

Do what I do. Make a Mario Lopez dart board.

Heidi said...

I always thought a PMS vent session qualified as aerobic exercise (at least it always feels aerobic). Funny piece--glad to know I'm not alone in my pissiness.

creative kerfuffle said...

those rants and raves and pissiness are quite cathartic. i hope things get better!

foxy said...

You know, sometimes you gotta go a little "insane in the membrane" in order to make it back to Sanity Island. Well, I do anyway. Therefore, I do not judge.

Irish Gumbo said...

Right up there with that "tree falling in the forest" thing, my dear. I may not hear the trees fall, but I don't doubt there is a sound.

Say, you haven't been reading Women Who Run With The Wolves recently, have you? Very interesting chapter in there on rage and the woman. Also, very fitting, given what you posted.

Make the rage your own, and use it wisely, grasshopper ;)

The Girl Next Door said...

Oh I bet you were heard. And this rant? Had to be AWESOME!

Eva Gallant said...

Great vent! I hope you have a toy or two to help with that take it out on you sex!

Gropius said...

Come to think of it, I do get even more pissed when no one hears or acknowledges my tirades.

injaynesworld said...

I really don't flip out that often. Although last week I did go off on the cable company service guy -- but I got a post out of it like you said.

I credit good meds. ;)

ellen abbott said...

Oh yeah, a good rage vent will surely clear the air.

Hilary said...

This is absolutely my favorite post of yours.......of anybody's.
Perfect.

Stephanie Faris said...

Good points! I think it has been revealed numerous times that it's better to get it all out rather than bottle it up. I've never thought of the aerobic benefits of temper tantrums, though.

Fay's Too said...

Oh, Girl! That is one righteous bitchy fit you pitch! I'm a fan.

ignorethebucklesonmyjacket said...

There are times when a people has to jump up and down screaming when the situation calls for it. The ones that do it ALL THE TIME are the people that need to get help.

Pat said...

This is when it's good to have garage sale dishes to throw and break! Bring it on, Sista!

Ami said...

It's PMS week here.
And I hate everyone in the universe.
Pull out in front of me? I will hit you.

Look at me sideways in the grocery store?
You will die.

Maybe I should just stay home. And eat. Everything.

Susan Fields said...

Definitely allow her her ice cream - well said!

Gaelyn said...

We hear you.

Plenty of ice cream. And chocolate.

Fred Miller said...

Okay, my heart really skipped when I thought your title said, "When Good Women Get Pussy." The kitty pictures threw me off, too. Nevertheless, this post is extremely sexy.

By the way, I just spent forty bucks on patio bricks at the hardware store. And they ain't goin' into no patio. They're my ice cream.

Jason, as himself said...

"Yeah, suddenly you're transformed. You spit the serenity prayer. You burst your spongy stress ball. You gnash on cheery rainbows. You roll up your sleeves and dare your foe to "Bring it." You huff and puff and lather yourself into a white-hot frenzy that can only be cured by excoriating your victim with a serrated-edged tongue, after which you must shove your overheated body into the freezer. Naked."

This is the BEST paragraph on the internet! I love this.

flutter said...

Does a bear shit in the woods? oh, wait, that's not the right answer at all

mac said...

So,
you need a volunteer ?

Hilary said...

I heard you way the hell over here. You done good!

Beta Dad said...

If you write it as convincingly as that, it happened! It got my adrenaline pumping. I'd kinda like to witness it firsthand. From a safe distance.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You can get aerobic if it helps but personally, I get my ice cream on! Ben and Jerry's here I come!

Udder Hysteria said...

Ouch! Did you just throw something at me? I felt that all the way over here! Well I'll excuse you since we're related. Maybe you should sick mom on them... tear 'em a new one, ya know?

Sarah Lulu said...

How about right across the other side of the world? I hear you!!!

Lisa said...

If you say it happened, I'm not going to question you. I know better from being on the rage side of that equation.

Lisa said...

Oh, also love the phrase nice girl clutter.

TechnoBabe said...

We've been warned.

Gaston Studio said...

Oh Wow! Do you know how to get out the agression or what! Like Hilary said, I felt it way up here... and it felt good, except for the naked in the freezer part.

daisyfae said...

i almost had to chokeabitch on an airplane. a woman so short i couldn't see her head over the back of the headrest decided she HAD to shove her seatback into my knees for a 2 hour flight. took all of the self control i had not to smack her...

rage is better at home. trust me. you're far less likely to be arrested...

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

What Jason said.

Also? WE heard you.

XO

slommler said...

I heard you too! And you did a fine job throwing that hissy fit!!! Good for you.
I just had one the other day and it felt so good. I yelled, stomped and threw things. And, the best part of it is...I had a living breathibg witness!! Hoorah!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Linda Medrano said...

Actually, I don't get as white hot full of rage as I used to. I really have felt like using the lethal weapons from time to time. And I wasn't really even that particular on who I used them on. Fortunately, I've always pulled back from the abyss just in time. Great post!

Missy said...

Ooohhh! I want to be a Sprayer of Evil!

Jocelyn said...

I'm pretty sure at least 38 of us just heard you bitch, and we're all clapping.

From a safe distance.

Tyson said...

"asshattery"!!!!!!!! Thats good stuff right there!! Too funny!

Danica said...

Damn girl I could hear you from here!

Hope you're well. I'm finally getting caught up on my blog reading.

rory said...

It's cool when chicks let go.

slommler said...

Congrats on your POTW award
Hugs
SueAnn

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on your POTW Fragrant, so well deserved!

Sandi McBride said...

And it's called Satisfaction! Yes, I demand SATISFACTION is on my bestest favoritest tee shirt and it's threadbare from wear...and when my family sees it on me they know to stay the hell out of my way! Wow, I got Satisfaction just reading your post, so guess I can put the tee away for another day. Congrats on POTW you really brought it!
Sandi

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh, I have flipped out like that on more than one occasion. And, yes, I usually DO feel badly after wards. But sometimes 'losing it' is absolutely necessary.

I gotta say, I thought this paragraph you wrote was brilliant:

"You huff and puff and lather yourself into a white-hot frenzy that can only be cured by excoriating your victim with a serrated-edged tongue, after which you must shove your overheated body into the freezer. Naked."

MaggieGem said...

Great post... it's been awhile since I've been in that state, but I've been there!

Congrats on POTW

ladyfi said...

I hear you ... it's great to vent, but poor others who have to suffer through it!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Alright. Who done this to you, pissed you off so? You want I should rough 'em up a little? I'm from Youngstown...I have skillz...

drollgirl said...

there she blows! it is a blast (pardon the pun) to go off from time to time. i love it. it feels great, unless i end up having to apologize afterward!

Snappy Di said...

It just means you forgot the video-tape it for your blog... I want to see you stomp next time so get the movie camera out!

Great post.
Congrats on the POTW from Hilary!

DI

Cricket said...

I think you may be my sister-in-law's long lost twin. Well, probably not, but this was still very funny. Fortunately, I didn't get any on me.

Congratulations on your potw.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You go girl!
Congrats on your POTW!
Hang in there and it's perfectly okay to rant and rave in my book-- alone or in a crowd.
xo jj

Barbara Shallue said...

what a wonderful description!! And I'm so glad to know it qualifies as aerobic exercise! Thanks for stopping by my photography blog so I was led here to read this - made my day!

ModernMom said...

I think if a woman rants in an empty room..some ex somewhere feels the pain. Just a theory:)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Every good woman should get pissy once in awhile. It clears out the cobwebs and is truly liberating.

You GO, Sister!

And PS. Was that you I heard?

Jillsy Girl said...

It's amazing the stuff that gets pent up inside and screams "LET ME OUT"!!

Back off....she's about to blow!

Great post!

Thanks for stopping by and saying hi over at my place. I'll be back for sure!

Jennifer said...

Yeah, I need to find someone to have take-it-out-on-you sex with.

If only I'd known all along that my rants counted as exercise.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm a little frightened and I live a whole country away.

Nick said...

I was thinking of moving into the house next door to you; now I'm not so sure.

Unknown Mami said...

Oh no, it happened even if there is no collateral damage.

lovelyprism said...

Wow. This is how I have felt every single day this year!