November 4, 2010

Boy Watching

I need to get out more. I spend a good portion of my time on freelance gigs at la casa, tap-tap-tapping on my keyboard, encouraging my imagination to run away with me (stuff that embarrasses my children—oh wait, no, they're used to it), and the always entertaining naked sing-song and dance-pong when the mood strikes ('kay, they're not really used to that part). It's solitary time, y'all, so I have to make myself get out before I start imagining I'm Omega Woman and, holy hell, when are the flesh-eating mutants coming for me?

Uh-oh. Did you hear something? I swear I saw movement outside my window.

So today, my outing consisted of boy watching, my favorite pastime, right after boy kissing—a totally underrated activity. I went down to Retirement Central and watched the senior* guys play softball.

Now you younguns might picture old farts limping to the batter's box and, barely able to raise the bat past their man boobs and diabetes bellies, they'd bunt it two feet and hobble to first base where they'd be tagged out ten minutes before they actually arrived. Or, if it's like Kindergarten and everybody wins, the old farts get helpsies and do-overs. They'd make snail-mail rounds to home plate, all the while pushed by more old codgers, hunching, hacking, and hocking loogies that you just know you're going to step in. Right? Wrong. O-o-o-oh so wrong, people.

Wait. Did you hear that? In the attic? Sounded kinda scratchy?

Um, anyway. Y'all, these guys might be past their proverbial prime, but I'm telling you, they're in it to win it. I've seen it with my own eyes! For reals. Hardcore. Listen, this is how it goes: from the dugout, they bound into position on deck; crouch at the ready in the batter's box; swing it like it's hot—like athletes half their age; and blast it deep into the outfield or line-drive that sucker to the infield. And then? They sprint their aging asses around the bases. The fielders are in the same shape: beatin' feet to make spectacular catches and fire the ball infield for the out. Yeah, if you think Retirement Central is for frailies who need help wiping the dribble off their chins or their asses, think again. Of course, they still hock loogies and scratch their balls in public, but that is the prime directive of men, no?

Hhhhh! I know I heard something that time! There's no such thing as flesh-eating mutants, there's no such thing as flesh-eating mutants . . . Breathe. Okay. I'm okay. Really. It's nothing. I'm perfectly safe here. Alone . . .

Where was I? Believe it or not, some fine specimens of manhood are at play out there, albeit not the hotties of yesteryear. But I go for the love of the game. Plus, I love the smell of field chalk in the morning. Plus, the bleachers are primo, with shade and everything. Plus, I never saw a concession stand that served breakfast.

Retirement Central totally has their shit together. I'm getting in shape now, so when I retire, I can compete in softball. And for kicks, I'm installing a perimeter zap-o-meter for flesh-eating mutants. Just, you know, for kicks.

* Note, "senior" at Retirement Central begins at age 55.

43 comments:

Fred Miller said...

My heart always jumps a little when your posts come up in my Google Reader. I think I'm falling for you. Tessa says it's okay.

Kristina P. said...

Rawr! Those guys sure know to handle balls.

powdergirl said...

Hi Liar!
Like, I know! Was picking my boy up from late hockey practice t'other night, and lo and behold, the old fella's hit the ice right after. Apparently, they're still workin' those abs! I. was. DELIGHTED!

Then I realized they weren't the "old fella's" they were the under 35's.

I remained delighted : ) They're so cute at that age : )

Lori said...

I love boy watching, young, old and in between...right after kissing boys, which I think is totally underrated too. :) Thanks for the afternoon smile! :)

meleah rebeccah said...

Your posts ALWAYS crack me up. Im happy the people over at Retirement Central have their shit together. I would LOVE to have watched the senior guys play softball!

Missy said...

I love "old" men...

Everyday Goddess said...

I like a guy whose been around the bases a few times. Makes 'em more skillful.

Eva Gallant said...

If you are into boy watching, you may want to visit my blog today. You will not be disappointed!

Udder Hysteria said...

Careful... you might have to "mix it up" with Ann Margaret. You know, she likes watching Walter and Jack too.

Red Shoes said...

You know... some of them... some of us, never lose our "youth at heart"... which many times is all we need to remain young at heart.

It's all about Life... the desire to not become a bystander in Life, but instead, to participate in it...

:oD

~shoes~

Linda Medrano said...

Damn! The old guys in baseball rock! Willie Mays is my idol even today! And never underestimate the old timers! These guys still have moves! I adore baseball, always have and always will. I spent yesterday at the SF Giants Victory Parade. Yeah, it was great seeing the cute young players, but it was even better seeing Willie Mays, Willy McCovey and the old greats of the game!

Brian Miller said...

smiles. gives me hope for when i retire...lol. field chalk does that to me to...

injaynesworld said...

I think you should get yourself all dolled up in a hot little cheerleader number and become a regular on the sidelines.

Ann Imig said...

That sounds like a great way to spend an afternoon.

Thank you for your kind comments on my post. Hearing people's support and adoration for Russ is a gift. Thanks for sharing.

daisyfae said...

GREAT way to meet seasoned gentlemen who are in decent shape, who have apparently cleared the cardiac screening required before one plays organized sports! YOU'RE A GENIUS!

Fred Miller said...

I notice a similar thing at karate tournaments. Those old senior black belts seem to have a few extra people inside their clothes. But they can still kick some serious ass.

Bagman and Butler said...

I'm just amazed that they could keep their eye on the ball with you in the stands.

ignorethebucklesonmyjacket said...

I can almost smell the "Ben-Gay" in the air after reading this post.

mac said...

If I can have fans like you, I'll look forward to my retirement :-)

Captain Dumbass said...

Hmm, I don't like baseball, what else can I do that lets me sit around scratching my balls and hock loogies? Wait, I'm a man, I can do that anywhere.

TechnoBabe said...

It's way more fun watching regular folks play for fun these days than fighting traffic to pay gazillion dollars on tickets to watch professional players who are paid way too much. And then like you said, some of the players are nice to look at too.

Breathe said...

60 is the new 50. At least in softball.

rory said...

Old guys rule.

CkretsGalore said...

Sorry, I didn't read too much there because I saw some baseball players....
So I don't follow sorts in general but damn I love Baseball players when I see them.
By love I mean I totes heart the tight assess.

drollgirl said...

right on! this must be SO FUN for them!

years ago i had to go to a music event for college, and it was some sort of elderly big band club. they were all having the best time dancing and listening to music. sure i was the youngest one there, but they were all so nice to me. it was really kind of fun!

Sarah Lulu said...

Maybe I need an old baseballer, do I?

Please ship one over.

Lisa said...

I'm picturing you as Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham. Please tell me you put on a swingin' vintage dress for your trip to the field.

Jabacue said...

New here. Think I'll stick around and enjoy the fun!!
It's that time of year when 'we' start hearing things like scratches and running feet. Up here in Nova Scotia that means the mice are looking for a winter home.
You'd be surprised what these 'old' folks can do.....then again, maybe not!
Jim

Nick said...

I've watched our local "old guys" play tennis - they take no prisoners.

Madame DeFarge said...

My oh my. All those silver foxes being athletic. Don't you need a little lie down afterwards?

Gropius said...

Men in uniform are adorable, no matter what the age. And embarrassing your kids should always be a top rated activity.

Pat said...

What do they say about old ball players?

They can still play but they just don't come to bat as often? Or is it that they don't hit home runs any more?

Wendi said...

Hilarious. I'm home alone all of the time, too. That's why I carry a nightstick.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Did they lower the retirement age? Those guys didn't look so "Senior" to me. It's all relative, I guess. *sigh*

ladyfi said...

Way to guy guys! Good to know they still have lots of energy in them... to entertain us (and run away from those mutants,if need be). ;-)

Sandra said...

There's no such thing as flesh-eating mutants, there's no such thing as flesh eating mutants...
Must say, the pic of the old ballplayers, were not bad at all. Me likey!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Well, blow me down! (TWSS) I might have to drive my old arse down to the ball park. Some of those dudes in your pix are easy on the eyes, especially the dark-eyed one on the bottom. Batter up, yo!

trash talk said...

Chalk one up for the Grecian Formula set! I could be so cliche with talk of bats, balls, home runs, etc., but I'm too afraid of the Mundane Police hiding in my attic to go there!
I will say I love a man in uniform...any uniform! Maybe scratching is just their way of letting us know they still got something to scratch!
Debbie
P.S. 55 huh...where do I sign up?
P.P.S. I love Nolan!!!

Anna Lefler said...

Ha - your comment on my blog this morning made me laugh out loud (or, as the kids say - LOL).

*snort*

As for senior-league softball, count me in. I'll be the one with the bum hip. On second thought, maybe I should just be Snack Mom.

;-) A.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wiping dribble from their asses? Ewwwww!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I love this - and their asses running around the bases. I wonder if I could still run around them.

Unknown Mami said...

I think I'll go just to hang out with you in the bleachers.

Out on the prairie said...

Had fun roaming through your madness and liked it.As for old, I am not sure when you become too old unless you give up. I had to get a knee injected after getting discarded by a horse I was helping break and the nurse said the old word.I laughed and then hobbled to my car.I then had to laugh at myself for letting it rustle my feathers and acted old and grumpy all day.