May 19, 2011

When I'm 85

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for Prince Charming to show up. Sometimes I don't wonder at all, like when I'm drooling over beefy cable hunks with my girlfriends. Hunks like Crixus, Spartacus, and Gannicus. In my fantasies, I am Slutticus.

At least, if Charming doesn't get here before May 21st, I feel comforted knowing I'll go out in a blaze of manless rapture. But if by chance we're all still here after Saturday, and if by chance I'm still single many, many, MANY years into the future, when I'm an old fartesse and gravity is the only thing having its way with me, I imagine my dating and relationship criteria will change. Just a tad. For instance, I figure when I'm 85, my ideal mate should come with:

  • A "handicapped" tag dangling from the rearview mirror of his golf cart. If I'm 85, I want curb service. Speaking of which . . .
  • A home on the range near Luby's. A quickie will be a zippy trip to the buffet so I can gum the nutless waldorf. Speaking of which . . .
  • Real teeth. Someone's got to help me chew my jerky--and like it! Speaking of which . . .
  • A sense of humor for when we both fall down and can't get up. And pee our pants cuz we're laughing so hard. And have to be rescued by people one-quarter our age. Speaking of which . . .
  • Good posture. Stooping is unattractive (versus schtooping, which is, of course, AWE-tractive). Speaking of which . . .
  • Endless RX of Viagra – unless he's King of the World without it. In which case, giddyup! Speaking of which . . .
  • Cowboy boots. I don't care how old we are, we are regularly cuttin' a rug. Speaking of which . . .
  • His own hair. Or a beautiful bald head. Both are preferable to the off-kilter wiglets I've seen. Speaking of which . . .
  • Poor eyesight. The older I get, the worse my man's eyesight needs to be because . . . because . . . Um . . . Speaking of which . . .
  • A good memory. Somebody's gotta remember why he fell in love with me, every day for the rest of my life.
Well, here's to enjoying a phenomenal life regardless of who's in it. In the meantime, I'll keep the castle lights burning.
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26 comments:

Lori said...

LOL...thank you for the morning laugh...when my son got home from work last night he informed me that the world is going to end on May 21 so that there is going to be a great big party friday night so they can all go out with a bang...lol...I'm afraid all they are going to do is wake up on Saturday and feel like they wished the world had ended...lol...

Fred Miler said...

Statistically, men who spend their lives with women live longer. Just a boring statistic, but I'll never get over how sweet it is.

Julie said...

Trust me, I am the poster child for "He'll come along when you finally get happy being single".

Speaking of which, come to my blog and check out my guy's stand up comedy routine!

Hilary said...

He'll have to have a great sense of humour so that he can appreciate yours. And I believe Julie might just be right about that.

injaynesworld said...

That picture is hysterical. Good luck on your quest to find a guy, but I don't think there are any out there who are as fabulous as you are.

The Mommy Therapy said...

Seems like a reasonable list. I'd actually prefer a man with a handicap sign right now. That would be extremely handy! Praticularly at Costco where parking is always rough going.

Good luck in finding your man!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"manless rapture"

Hahahahahahaha! Grrl, you do have a way with words.

SuzRocks said...

That's asking a lot to want both teeth and hair...

If the world ends, I'm goign to be MIGHTY pissed I spent the last few years of my life in grad school. MIGHTY pissed...

Breathe said...

Frankly I'm going to rely on the good folks at duracell and ever ready.

;)

Linda Medrano said...

Come on Darling, go out tomorrow night. Go to a bar, get dressed and made up a little slutty, tie cherry stems in your mouth when guys are watching you. Get some. If you are going off with those Rapture folks, this might be your last chance. Do it!

If you are still here on Sunday, go to church and repent for your wicked ways.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Slutticus....

This would be my *FAVORITE* tv show. Just saying. Not that sparticus isn't that already (insert lucy lawless crush here) but still...

Watercolor said...

indeed! I like Slutticus..... lol

Red Shoes said...

Speaking of cowboy boots, I'm looking for some really really gawdy ones!! I bet there are some out in your neck of the woods...

I LOVE that photo and caption!!

~shoes~

DangGina said...

You know what sucks? The world is supposed to end the day BEFORE my birthday. Of all the crackpot ideas...

I'm just going to pretend that life will go on beyond May 21. I still have so much life to live!

Bee's Blog said...

Fell about laughing. Will a geriatric rocker be acceptable? They tend to be stuck in a time warp so think they can do anything and everything!!!!

Eva Gallant said...

You are too funny! I'd like to go out with a bang, but hubby has ED due to all the meds he takes.

Irish Gumbo said...

Can I be Spartacus? Please?

This made me laugh. And snort. But really, I don't think you'll be alone at 85 :)

Robin Allen said...

I'm hoping your cowboy is a Mr. Magoo dentist who is one-quarter of your age with with great teeth and six-pack abs who can write his own prescriptions and owns the Luby's at the golf club.

Joker_SATX said...

Yeah, you know it's even worse when the wife Kurly_Kwinn starts fantasizing about Spartacus... and She's married...

Hey..are you back in Austin? Give me a shout via email...let's do lunch or something.

drollgirl said...

fingers crossed that he shows up before age 85! for realz! :)

mac said...

And, don't forget lucky. As in he was lucky to ever find you, and lucky you like him back ;-)

Debbie said...

But it really is a moot point since tomorrow is the big day, isn't it? And here I am just blogging on the last night of the world. What a waste:)

Watercolor said...

I'm back on the damn market. Lawd help us.

♥ Braja said...

I just hope that Slutticus will slow her chariot down and pick up her friend, Bitchicus, on the way to the .... er.... buffet?

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

I'm thinking a manless rapture might not be so bad! ;-) Love the anti-wiglet poke. May all your old-lady dreams come true! ;-)

secret agent woman said...

That is certainly a long view ya got going there! I wonder if at 85 II wouldn't rather just live with a friend?