August 29, 2011

Surprise, Surprise

I like surprises. I really do. Not the kind where your pooch leaves you a mammoth I-can't-believe-you-left-me-alone-with-what's-her-face-for-the-whole-weekend dump in the middle of the carpet. Not the kind where your teenager discovers she's oops-wonder-how-that-happened skipped a period. And I'm not too sure about the I-told-my-parents-about-you-and-YOUR-BLOG announcement, cuz . . . holy first impressions, Batman! Those heart-stopping surprises can leave you pinging around the room like a crazed pinball in search of a deep, dark hole. But I'm talking about fun surprises. Man surprises, cuz when a man surprises you with his good intentions, you get a feel-good smile out of it. At some point.

But, as we all know, there are right ways and wrong ways for a man to surprise his woman. For instance:

Wrongway Surprise Exhibit A, which says:  But I Was Doing You a Favor
After Winter put her cake in the oven, she went to the store, leaving her husband Adam "in charge." Adam, a self-professed "excellent baker" from waaaaaay back, took it upon himself to exhume their daughter's birthday sheet cake from the oven and frost it. How hard could it be, right? You pop that sucker out of the oven, cut it in half, plop it on a plate, and slather the creamy stuff all over it, just like you do to your face in the morning. He must have been thinking, When she sees what I have done for her, I am so getting laid tonight.

I give you now Surprise Exhibit A, for which we all got a good laugh and Adam got a good tongue lashing, and for which (I am betting cold, hard cash) Adam did not get laid.



Even though it looks like it, this hand-frosted masterpiece has not been, nor would it ever be, attacked by rats or raccoons or humans who are not blind. Plus, Adam's bakery exploits necessitated a replacement cake, prepared in record "OMG we don't have time for this" time by his harried wife.

Wrongway Surprise Exhibit B, which says:  But You LIKE Surprises
Lacy's husband Wayne, always a kidder, strategically placed an intriguing trinket in her bathroom shower, hoping she would come upon it and be pleasantly shocked and awed, followed by uproarious laughter and phone calls to all her friends about how he “got” her good. He must have been thinking, She's going to be reminded how much I make her laugh, andslam dunkI will surely get laid tonight.

I give you now Surprise Exhibit B, the sight of which caused his wife to highjump six feet into the air, clutching her ample bosom, while shrieking his name like an evil banshee, and for which (I am betting cold, hard cash) Wayne did not get laid.



Note also that Surprise Exhibit B is considerably larger than a real cockroach and therefore inspires higher decibels. And since Waynerdog repeated this little trick with me, his unsuspecting roomie (because he could), I can attest to the part about highjumping, bosom clutching, and evil banshee shrieking. As a side note, turns out Wayne can scuttle out of a room just as fast as a cockroach.

Rightway Surprise Exhibit C, which says:  But I Was Thinking of You the Whole Time
Hot Sexy Man, or as he likes to be called, HSM, spent the earlier part of last Friday night in the liquor store where he chatted up 24-year-old hottie distributors and taste-tested their finer offerings. While there, HSM texted me, "I got something for you." He must have been thinking, She's going to think I only have eyes for her, and this will get me laid tonight.

On his arrival several hours later, I was presented with Surprise Exhibit C.

I really did dig it and, of course, you see how much we drank once the bottle was opened. I will let you guess how this one turned outif you dare risking your cold, hard cash.

(In the interest of full disclosure, cuz I know you peeps have come to rely on my honesty, I am still and always a virgin.)
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25 comments:

Suzy said...

Exhibits A and B need to be shot. Exhibit C needs to get laid.

Ali said...

In total agreement with Suzy!!

Gaelyn said...

I agree with Suzy. Nice extra touch with your names on the bottle. Extra points for that.

daisyfae said...

at first i was afraid HSM brought you the half empty bottle of Gentleman Jack, which would have put him in the doghouse with Adam and The Weiner.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Surprisors A and B deserve a shanking. You know, the dark bathroom prison kind of shanking.
C?? well...lets just hope he got lucky.

Kristina P. said...

Oh, man, my husband would LOVE exhibit B. Which means I need to do it first.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Exhibit A while kindergarten cute it would really frost my cake.

Exhibit B is fecking insane.

And Exhibit C. You go boy!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh yes, definitely sex is needed for this one!

Sausage Fingers said...

A bottle of Gentleman Jack
a bottle of Rodney Strong behind the bottle of Jack
A container of mixed nuts!!!!
I am beting cold hard cash that the evening was a SURPRISE, SURPRISE...
hope you had a blast..
Cheers, Sausage...
ps. we just discoverd a mouse in our shop and I am going to the toy store today to buy a rubber mouse and placing it behing the loo. My wife and I work together and I can't wait to get her..
Even cold hard cash will not get me laid in a month for this one but I am what I am....

That Janie Girl said...

I'm with Suzy. Laid on the last one, laid to rest on the others.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

savannah said...

guess i've been married too long, sugar! the MITM watches nigella, so he knows how to frost a cake and b, we live in georgia on a marsh, so there REALLY are bugs that big around here! LOL it would be the usual, "you ain't gonna believe this" yell! c is definitely classy, but would end up with everyone falling asleep first! (damn, when did we get so old?) xoxoxo

Everyday Goddess said...

love this!

Danica said...

HAHA! I love it!

Linda Medrano said...

If things keep going on like this, you will not be a virgin for much longer.

meleah rebeccah said...

The frosting on the cake is HILARIOUS.

The fake bug? OMG! That's terrible. I would have had a heart-attack!

Wow. I like the inscribed liquor bottle!

Pat said...

a) funny and at least he tried

b) I'd kill him

c) aww, so sweet!

Nick said...

Love the way dogs will just lie there and look at you after they make a smelly accident. Maybe rename your pooch after the recent dump job: Fragrant Lier :)

Murr Brewster said...

Actually, a good tongue lashing is better than getting laid, lots of times.

injaynesworld said...

The names on the bottle... He's a smooth one. Toy with that one for awhile. ;)

♥ Braja said...

Bullshit. I'd eat exhibit A.

With C.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

I hate when I try to surprise the girl I'm trying to woo with something like "Woops, we're not going to Long John Silver's after all. We're going to Red Lobster!" And later that night she surprises me with something like "Woops, I actually have a dick."

secret agent woman said...

A perpetual virgin? Does it not count if you've been drinking?

Sherry said...

Yep, I agree with Suzy and Ali - and HSM.

ModernMom said...

LOL At least they are trying to keep it spicy?

Expat From Hell said...

Anyone who takes the time and effort to stencil a frickin' bottle of JD is worth writing about. Funny how I read quickly through the first two sections, and settled on the 3rd. Good on HSM. And good on you for writing about it! EFH