September 12, 2009

G-A-S Spells Gas

When I was five, I spelled my first word. Back then, few kids went to Kindergarten, so I learned about letters and sounds on my own. I was pretty proud of myself when I took my carefully crayoned word in to my father, who was doing his business on the toilet.

Unfazed at my interruption, he said, "Do you know what it spells? G-A-S. That spells gas."

The irony of that moment did not occur to me until just now. (Anyone who read my post, Canning the Muse, will now understand the historical significance.) That aside, GAS was officially my first word, and I got a lot of mileage out of it. I easily remembered the letters' names and the sounds they made, and from that point my older cousins could no longer spell all the sneaky things they were up to. As in, "Hurry, hide the P-O-R-N-O." Cuz I'd just head to the kitchen and say, "Grandma, what's porno?" And the whole world would light up. As an aside, that's how I learned the valuable skill of flustering the shit out of relatives.

By the time I entered first grade, I was ahead of most kids (nobody could lasso syllables like me: "Por-no. Hey, that's two syllables!") And within a year, I was writing stories. My first one, scrawled on a yellow-lined tablet while sitting in my grandfather's real estate office, was about pigs that could fly. Why yes, this is THE story that spawned the internationally famous saying. My mother still has the original, so I can prove it. (You do still have that, right Mom?)

It wasn't until after I got married and began popping out babies that I tried serious fiction (pregnancy at the rate of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am will inspire you to make shit up in your mind just to get away for awhile). With four kids, a full-time job, and despite an absent and volatile husband, I stole an hour here and there and before long realized that writing was my true calling.
Which brings me to the point of this post. Here I sit, broken-hearted, came to share, and instead I martyred. I'm staring at colored folders containing six plotted novels in various stages of writing or rewriting, completely out of G-A-S. I'm not blocked; my muse is on strike, and I don't know why.
On this perfect rainy writing day, for all I've accomplished at my true calling, I might as well be watching P-O-R-N-O.
.

39 comments:

Captain Dumbass said...

I've got quite a few stories on the burner right now too. Instead of trying to force them I'm just kinda ignoring them until I have an idea for one and then I go in and add it. Meh, it works for me.

rxBambi said...

I've tried writing... I'm just not that good at it. Darn it.
Thanks for stopping by my humble blog. I've seen your name around. I think we should be BFFs. Unfortunately for some reason your blog won't let me follow you (or maybe it's my crappy internet connection in the basement).
You seem pretty gassy to me, I think you'll be ok!!

Sarah Lulu said...

Or writing it?

Snappy Di said...

Damn Muse!

The smell of something noxious led me to your blog tonite.. Pee Yew....

Di

Suzy said...

Well add my colored folder to your five. Writing's a bitch.

otin said...

Just rent, "When Harry Ate Sally", sometimes a good porno will get the creative juices flowing! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

daisyfae said...

for a woman with writers block, you sure hacked up a pretty damn funny (and clever) post! my guess? muse will be back. must be currently off a-muse-ing itself... leave a light on!

Jason, as himself said...

That is so sweet, "Grandma, what's porno?"

I hope you get some GAS so I can read those books!

Justine said...

Aw girl, if there was one thing I wish I could do it's write. Consider yourself lucky that you have the ability and talent, and cut yourself a break when you get a little stopped up in the creativity department. At least you HAVE a creativity department!

Justine :o )

Theresa said...

Thanks for stopping by my place. I feel so honored when real writers stop by. As you can tell I'm so not a writer. Anyways, your place is great. I'll be back.

Nanodance said...

Writer's block afflicts only real writers. At least that is what I tell myself. Enjoyed your post!

midlife slices said...

Get off your ass
and stop worrying about no gas.
Go green
and start running on steam.

Yes it's lame and also a very fine example of why writing is NOT a talent of mine.

King of New York Hacks said...

Just eat some White Castle burgers and drink some booze...you'll write the next War and Peace. LOL

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"my muse is on strike, and I don't know why"

Quit thinking. Have a glass of wine - and do a few timed writings.

One, two, three, ready go. GO!

lovelyprism said...

Ehh... I think my muse quit. Headed for the sunny shores of Jamaica or somewhere way cooler than here. Chin up! This story made me laugh.

♥ Braja said...

You just wrote a whole lot about not writing. See?

Madame DeFarge said...

Maybe you should acquire one of the other muses and see if they can shake your tree. Be Terpsichorean and shake your booty about the house. It may not work work for you, but it'll entertain others. Seriously though, hope the muse reappears in due course.

Stephanie Faris said...

Love your blog! I'm not sure where you are in your personal journey but I wrote throughout my 20s. Then in my 30s I suffered a miscarriage and the collapse of my marriage. During the divorce and even after it, while I rebuilt my life, I was completely blocked. I could not write. I turned to blogging instead and chronicled my days as a single girl in her 30s, over on MySpace. I gradually worked my way up to top blogger status over there but I still couldn't write fiction. It was only once I found love and a stable relationship that I could focus on creating worlds for fictional characters again. For what it's worth... I think I could have written through it if I'd had deadlines and book contracts and everything but with nothing to motivate me to stay on track, I was easily distracted.

Bella said...

You're a real gas!

From what I know (which ain't saying a whole lot LOL) when inspiration hits it'll get done, right? You can't force those things.

My suggestion is you call that Mr. Fine up (or whomever it is you deem appropriate) and tell them you're in need of some inspiration grrrrl!

Perhaps be like Madame and take a jolly holiday!

Stepping Thru said...

Funny Girl! I can relate to the wham-bam-thank-you-mam period of your life. Wish I could write. I have started a book about the time from my parents divorce but have only completed a few pages. Got to depressing so I quit. Deleted it and won't go back. Give yourself time. Your muse will appear.

PurestGreen said...

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes all it takes is doing something out of the ordinary, something that draws you out of yourself, shakes you a little. Before you know it, you're back at the page. :)

Comedy Goddess said...

The ancient Greeks thought the Muse also called a Genius was an actual spirit that entered your being and acted through you. Just sayin'.

smiles4u said...

LOL! You are such a gas...lol. Seriously, I'm sorry that your broken hearted and that your muse is on strike. I hope you feel better soon and that whatever or whoever has broken your heart will soon be a vague memory. Hugs, Lori

the wrath of khandrea said...

thanks for visiting my blog. how did you even find me?

if you want good fodder, join me for work one day in the elementary special ed classroom. if it weren't a total breach of confidentiality, i would be writing non-stop.

blognut said...

Your muse will come around again. Meanwhile, your posts about not being able to write are quite amusing!

bernthis said...

Boy can I relate. Last week my mind was a literal blank. Just a big white piece of paper and I could think of nothing. It'll come back We all go through it

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I hate that. The slate goes blank. Ugh! I can relate!

nothingfancy1 said...

You'll get it back...when you least expect it!

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Strike or no strike, you're always a G-A-S. But listen, doncha know that a dry spell just means you're storing up for a big creative burst? You may THINK the tank is empty, but it's really filling up with G-A-S.

diane said...

Don't worry about it, I've had writer's block ever since I was offered a book deal. I have stacks of notes in brown paper bags, the best of intentions. GAS spelled backwards is SAG, which describes me to a tee these days. xo

Kimberly said...

I got the vodka - let's fill that tank back up.

Pearl said...

I remember the joy of figuring out that weird word on the back of the car: PLYMOUTH.

Ply? Mouth? Putting the two syllables together and finally understanding it? O boy. Over 40 years later and I'm still thrilled.

As for your books? I have two of them 95% done. If you can figure out how someone finishes what she starts, let me know!

Pearl

powdergirl said...

You sure are one funny girl, Ms Liar!

Nothing wrong with a spot o' porn now and again is there?

Yeah, flustering relatives is an awesome pastime! Way safer than cooking with gas, and yet nearly as explosive!

Light em' up!

Breathe said...

The muse is a bitch with a sugar addiction. She's probably at the store getting donuts again. She's got that crazy metabolism too.

Don't wait for her. just write. She'll come back, feel guilty and put out.

Seriously.

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Writing is much more difficult than people realize. Feeling for you!

Fragrant Liar said...

Aaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha.

Otin, you kill me.

Breathe, she'll come back, feel guilty, and put out!

Aaaaaaaaaahahahaha.

I'll leave the light on, for sure.

Lisa said...

I do indeed feel you pain. Except at this very moment, it's not what to write, it's finding the time to just sit down and do it for long periods of time.

TechnoBabe said...

Visited from Jason's blog. Your post is intriguing and I will be back to read through your blog. I can already tell you are a good writer, which I am not, so I love to read good writing.

Life with Kaishon said...

What a great post! I am popping over from Jason's blog today! Nice to meet you! Hope your mouse starts working soon! : )