September 17, 2009

Mammoslams and Density Gams

Dear Esteemed Radiologists,

I want to thank you sincerely for the fine work you perform on women everyday. Your high-tech detection devices and keen "hey-what's-that?" skillz are invaluable. When I was in there getting my mammogram -- one of my most anticipated pasttimes cuz Radiology is now like a destination -- I noticed you did away with the frumpy, stiff dressing gowns of my great great grandmother's generation and instead opted for the more modern "mini cape" and its single set of neck snaps.

I have to say that the mini cape makes me feel more like a crusader in need of someone to rescue but with the constant threat of my boobs showing the instant there is a well-aimed burst of air conditioning. One good gust and weeeee! Suddenly you're Marilyn Monroe from your barenaked chest to your clavicle. I realize this apparel allows easier access to the boobery as I turn left, lift and plant, watch the vice grips flatten my mams into doughy sugar cookies, grimace and hold my breath (snap the fucking image already), shed tears and cry out for my mama. Or a double-barrel shotgun. So I don't want to get all up in the tech's grille about that. She's just doing her job, right?

But what I really take issue with are the paper pants. Who the hell's idea was that? I want you to know that I came into the place at 110 pounds. As instructed, I removed my slacks and slid into the industrial blue paper pants for my trip to the bone density table and gained an instant 300 pounds. See for yourself.
I almost passed out. No wonder there are no mirrors in the changing rooms.

But seriously, there's no way that tech could have known if I had somebody else in there with me, a la He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (pre-corporeal Lord Voldemort), or not. What if that wasn't my real hip you scanned, Missy? What then? And what's wrong with designer paperpants? I have a size, people. I see it in every department store, and it belongs to me. It completes me. This one size fits all mentality, oh revered body scanners, is a load of crap. And, really, how much did this atrocity cost my medical provider?

So thanks ever so much for that cheap shot to my ego. I went home and promptly swallowed a gallon of Rocky Road, a dozen Little Debbies (sorry, Michel, your package will be late), and one gigantor Cinnabon slathered with a pound of real butter and drizzled caramel because I figured I was a lost cause anyway. Thence was supplanted a ton of freakish and unholy Catholic guilt.

And even though you stiffed me out of my rubber-soled, one-size-fits-all tube socks, and you've made me a bigger person, I'll be back in two years. I hope you're happy.

Yours in diagnostics,
Fragrant Liar
.

40 comments:

powdergirl said...

I think I'm going to faint.
My Dr. keeps telling me I have to go for the boob squash, I can't do it, I have no pain tolerance.

And now? Now I hear there's ugly paper pants too!!!????

Just shoot me.

Snappy Di said...

I'm jealous... I didn't get no stinkin' paper pants at my last mammo visit...pffttt, will have to speak to them about it next year.

Di

(Hmmm, why do we have to take our pants off for a mammo anyway??)

otin said...

Should the thought of your boobs flattened up against something really be turning me on??? LMFAO!!!!

smiles4u said...

Sounds like you went to one fun costume party...lol! And now you made me hungry for some icecream with carmel!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You are too funny.

Kristina P. said...

I think you look super skinny.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I'm dreading my next mammogram ... post reduction. They're going to take my newfound perkiness and smash it into pancakes. (gasp!)

Elle said...

I think the pants are someone's idea of a joke. Whoever designed those pants is probably home right now thinking about all those unhappy women wearing them and is laughing his/her ass off.

Bella said...

oh god, not paper pants...another lesson in humility, haven't we gone through enough?!

either it was a man decision or some big fat assed broad with a chip on her shoulders!

sounds like a perfect excuse to comfort binge to me.

blognut said...

OMG! I don't wanna wear paper pants. Is everyone doing this now?

Suzy said...

That bone density thing? My sister did it and was told she had bone loss. She went APESHIT on the guy because she's been working out with weights for over 20+ years. The guy said, "Yeah, that doesn't matter; it's just genetics."

She was not happy.

midlife slices said...

I just took a whirl on both of those fun rides and didn't have to shed my britches. Me thinks you got PUNK'D!

Did you look around for Ashton?

Pastor Sharon said...

. . . and was it a man that created the machine that flattens out the perky girls into flattened sugar cookies?

If so, I'm thinking he most not have thought about having his "rocks" slammed between to pieces of glass?. . . . just saying

Breathe said...

Nice color, though.

I think they should give us the option to buy scrubs. I've always wanted scrubs.

Jocelyn said...

Do tell Powdergirl to fear not, unless she lives in your neck of Texas. Here in the cold North, we just have to change from the waist up--staying put in our own saucy trousers the whole time. Unless we're wearing a skirt. Then, clearly, we wouldn't be in trousers.

Also, I've never been in pain during my, er, four mammograms. They're quick, easy, and no big deal. I'm pretty sure that's because I live in the cold North, too.

Okay, yea, HUH? on that last bit. I'm just makin' shizz up.

prashant said...

I think you look super skinny...
Make website india

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I love love LOVE LOVE!!!! that you took pictures of your mammogram wardrobe. I'm sooo jealous that you thought to do it before me.

Also? Hammertime.

daisyfae said...

Looks like "Hammer Time" in the parachute pants... didn't those mercifully disappear from the fashion scene a few years back?

glad you got the mammogram! just had another biopsy (negative) from a dicey result from my latest. yeah, ladies, it hurts. but so does a chemo. if you get it early - and they can see things that are the size of a grain of salt now - then it's easier...

Jazz said...

Pain and the humiliation of ridiculous clothing. All in one fell swoop. What fun!

nothingfancy1 said...

OMG!!! I've never seen anything like it! LOL LOL LOL - I'll think twice before complaining about the granny robe - certainly better than those "one size fits all offensive linemen for the green bay packers" pants.

Kurt said...

They're happy. Anyone who sees boobies all day is happy. That's scientific FACT.

The Jules said...

Cool - you could go gliding like a flying squirrel in that get up!

Captain Dumbass said...

Those would be excellent for shoplifting.

Just sayin.

MJ's doghouse said...

oh i am sooooooooooooooooooooo looking forward to my first boob plant...they keep sending me invitations....

Madame DeFarge said...

This is why modern medicine will never catch on. It's unnatural. It's humiliating. It's blue paper pants. I suspect that they're made out of recycled tractor tyres.

Miz Dinah said...

Oooooooooooh...I can't WAIT to have mashed boobtatoes! Sounds like a real treat!

Michelle Wells Grant said...

And can I just say? I happen to know Ms. FL and by doughy sugar cookies, she means jumbo burrito size tortillas.
This one is too hysterical! I'm peeing my (paper) pants!

Julie said...

You lost me at 110 lbs. Beyotch.

I'm here getting caught up on a week's worth of blog reading. Is there any coffee? Happy Saturday!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahahaha! Did you get to take the pants home so you lounge in them while stuffing the Little Debbies?

Great post, you liar.

Justine said...

ROFLMAOPIMP! OmG, you even took pictures for us! Now that's a good blogger for ya! Yep, your bottom half looked kind of Oompa-Loompa-ish. Would it make you feel better if I told you I probably couldn't even fit myself into those ginormous pants? LOL

Justine :o )

Crazy Charm said...

ahahaa OMG. I cannot stop laughing. You look like MC Hammer!

steppinthru said...

I have a couple extra pair of those one size fits all rubber soled tube socks I could send you if you really are in need. They are stylish dirt brown color so you don't have to wash them so often. At least your pants go down to your ankles. The ones they gave me were black and ended at my knees. You could have fit two of me in one leg. I had trouble keeping them up. Love medical fashion wear.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MC Hammer would be so jealous!

♥ Braja said...

OMG you ate Michel's Little Debbie's???!!

Oh, and those pants? They just look like an Indian salwar suit pant. Yeah....

diane said...

God that was great and really funny. You made me laugh out loud. xo

Michel said...

Dear Medical Science,

How many more people have to be hurt before you realize what you have done?! How many more little debbies won't make it in the effin mail to me before you do some serious reform!?

Good Day Science.

Michel

PS I SAID Good day!

Michel said...

PS otin's comment creeped me out. That's GROSS OTIN!

PPS Now I have that stupid MC Hammer song stuck in my head! Thanks a lot!

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

We only have to take of our upper clothes and put on this PINK paper shirt here in Kintuckee...

Bernie said...

Hey, it is better than the alternative, girl, but as many have said, "If men had to have this done to their balls, they would have come up with a better way. I firmly believe in their value but I surely hated the process.

This post was hilarious again and I wish you would write a book and the whole world (those that are not already on your blog!) could read your words.

You are not a bad poet either.. It flows.

Hit 40 said...

I had a mammogram at 35?? I think I am suppose to get another one this year. Maybe, I will take my time making that appointment.