January 23, 2010

I’m Not Paranoid, But They’re Out to Get Me

Cookies are like my crack. (Heh, I said cookies are like my crack.) Ahem, as in junkies can’t resist crack, and I can’t resist cookies. In fact, they should not be called cookies at all. They should be called crackies.

I have been known to tuck a fresh new box of Nutter Butters under my arm and scurry off to some secluded corner for a covert crackie high. (Plus, it's just not safe to share Nutters, people.) One bite, and the warmth flows all through me. My greatest fear over the holidays was that my family would find me in the bakery aisle, slumped beneath a display case with my zipper down and belly protruding, dried crumbs freckling the lower half of my face, and my head lolling to one side in a crackies-infused trance. My nanababies would place a sign over my head that read: Just Say No to Dough.

KitchenAid-666Call me paranoid, but people, guess who's driving the crackies train? None other than my daughter, Notorious T.M.G., who recently received a brand-spankin' new Kitchen Aid from her G-ma and G-pa. To think, my own parents are behind this conspiracy. The horror! Even though the holidays have passed, I face an onslaught of temptations that clearly spell my doom via my expanding waistline. TG has labored relentlessly in her mix lab, whipping up home-made batches of crackies, laced with the most potent ingredient known to man: toffee bits.

I also take issue with angelic-looking, but no less notorious, imps outside Wally World who are crackie dealers in disguise. I have been held up at charity point, people, while Children of the Crackies implore oh-so-innocently, “We don't have enough money to go to Paris, France. Boo-hoo, it sucks to be us. Can we interest you in some crackies?” And you know they always tack on a “ma’am” at the end. Despicable!

Equally disturbing are my co-workers—enablers unconstrained by even one shred of human decency—who partake of crackies right in front of me, even moaning sensually when they swallow. Oh yes! Just yesterday at lunch, having witnessed one of them inhaling a line of chocolate chip, I could not stop myself. After scarfing an entire panini, I returned to the display case and bought not one, not two, but THREE gargantuan crackies (you can't put just one on your Visa). Though I kept telling myself, "Don't do it!" once I had those crackies in my hands (what a rush!), I was destined for rehab.

It's so bad that I'm afraid one day you'll find me begging on street corners, waving a sign at passing motorists that says: Will do stuff for crackies.

Hey, I smell . . . [sniff, sniff] . . . OMFG, she's in the kitchen AGAIN! People, I’m gonna need an intervention.

63 comments:

mac said...

I just know there is a cookies are your crack joke in there...but I do not know you, so, I shouldn't even go there ;-)


Oh well, I have another......

A man goes into the patent office and presents a peach flavored apple to the patent clerk.
The Clerk takes a big bite and says, "This is good, but it tastes just like an apple - nothing special"
The inventor, not to be dismissed, says, "Yes, but turn it around, you'll see that it is dual flavored and does taste peachy"

The clerk spins the apple, takes a bite and exclaims, "My goodness, it is a peach ! Here is your patent, good luck!"

The inventor leaves the office smiling. In the waiting room he notices a man sitting with a box of cookies. "What do you have there, my good fellow?"

The man, a small, pleasant loking guy, replies, " I have captured the essence of woman in a cookie."

The inventer asks if he may have a taste of such a cookie. The small man is eager to oblige.

The inventor takes one bite of the cookie and proclaims, "This cookie tastes like SHIT!!"

Says the small man, "Well..... turn it around"


Notice, I said nothing about your crack, or cookies or any of that. It would just be crude of me ;-)

Phat Mama said...

I'll take one for the team.. send me a box of the crackies!

True Blue Texan said...

Could be worse. You could be where I am and it's Girl Scout cookie season. After 13 years in Scouts, I just can't pass up the Brownies...

injaynesworld said...

Have you thought of contacting Dr. Drew? You spill your crackie-ho stories on TV. Maybe even meet Larry King.

Wonderfully original and funny, my friend.

NSGIRL said...

mmmmmmmm....."crackies"....mmmmmm

Eva Gallant said...

I love it! That was priceless!

morethananelectrician said...

I am going to be down in your state soon.

NOTE TO SELF: Carry "crackies" in car.

Irish Gumbo said...

Forget the crystal meth, gimme some Tagalongs!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Cookies are my weakness too. I can resist almost anything except ... home baked cookies. And this week there were TWO batches made at our house. I totally blew my diet. In fact, I probably gained five pounds. I have no strength against crackies!

McGillicutty said...

Samoas are the most freakin' unbelievable addictive things on earth... and guess what? they're also freakin' great right out of the freezer!!!! I put them in there to stop the madness and it only make it worse!!!

AirmanMom said...

thin mints in the freezer = yumminess
~AM

TechnoBabe said...

We all have our addictions. Mine is French Fries. How cool you have your own bakery chef!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Mmmm love me some crackies...

Breathe said...

By the way, my daughter is selling Girl Scout Cookies.

Yes, she's a crackie dealer.

I'll be bringing you cookies shortly...

Bwaa Haa Haa

Gillian said...

Are the girl scout cookied made with real girl scouts?

SweetPeaSurry said...

yo little girl ... do you want some crackies? he he he!!!

crazy crackie head ...

oh I could go on and on with the crackie jokes!

Loff this post. Now lay off the chocochip crackies woman! We don't want to have to airlift you to the mall!

blessings!

Secretia said...

One year I spent all of December living on cookies, while wearing baggy stretchpants.

I understand.

Secretia

jules said...

"inhaling a line of chocolate chip," HA This post made me laugh out loud. And now I want Nutter Butters! Thanks a lot!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I'd laugh but I'm right there with you. Cookies...uh...crackies are my downfall. I'd be a supermodel if they didn't exist. I'm sure of it.

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

Oh, man...I'm so right with you, babe. Cookies are the only sweets I cannot turn down so I just don't buy them. However, the hubby does and that's bad, bad, bad. I also have a Kitchen Aid mixer and love to make biscotti...another addiction. Should you go to a Cookie Intervention I think you'll have lots of company.

otin said...

so if cookies are your crack, and I like to eat cookies, well, you can figure it out! hahaha

Candice said...

I've already warned Brent that if he comes home with Girl Scout cookies this year I'll cut his nuts off with a butter knife.

I feel your pain!

Captain Dumbass said...

You just gave me an idea for my wife's Kitchen Aid.

Ginger@When Ginger snaps... said...

I understand. Completely. I need to lose 20 pounds before spring and my co-workers keep bring in doughnuts, which, down here, we just call 'em "Krispie Kremes."

dana said...

My waterloo was always the CHOCOLATE LOVERS cookies with DECADENT CHOCOLATE LUMPS instead of chips. And when I'd make my own cookies with more raisins, oatmeal, and chocolate LUMPS than flour, I was in Heaven.

Now, being diabetic, and with the mentality of "ALL OR NONE" when eating cookies, I'm now in cookieless HELL!!!!!

Cristin said...

I made a batch of peanut butter chocolate chip crackies last night...for my son, yeah that's the ticket, they were for him, not me, yeah, and I didn't eat 11 spoonfulls of the batter, nope, and didn't sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to eat a few, nope, not me...

Bella said...

hahaha! crackies huh? too funny! I am not a cookie crazie, more a chip addict...gimme Synder's potato chips or give me nothing!

carma said...

My mom baked a boatload of oatmeal cookies while she was here last week. I believe there are but 2 left at this time. They've pretty much been breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past few days for me :D

American in Norway said...

OMG..NUTTER BUTTERS...love them... they DON*T have nutter butters in Norway...can you imagine? - Now I am jonesing for a butter....ummmm

Madame DeFarge said...

Your offspring really have it in for you these days, don't they? I think total abstinence is called for. Avoid all children henceforth.

Aleta said...

OMG, that's just wrong. It's bad enough when the cookies are wrapped up from the store. But to smell... fresh baked cookies... that smell doesn't leave the house until you've scarfed down the remaining crumbs. I feel for you!!

Midlife Mama said...

Ohh yes. Fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. Heaven! Don't forget the snickerdoodles. OMG

Me? I take my drugs two at a time. Gimme a big ol' bowl of creamy ice cream and fresh hot cookies. Shit its no wonder I'm so freakin' overweight. haha

Even better? Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. That will be me, in a sugar coma over in the corner, a soup spoon stuck in the container, clutched in my little addict hands. haha

sheila said...

You may have just invented a new slang word. Oh yes, I think that will stick.

Robin said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog & your nice comments! I have a huge weakness to cookies & milk as well ... especially the ones right our of the oven ... who could resist.

Robin

Joanna Jenkins said...

Cookies are my crack too and those darn girl scouts keep knocking on my door :-)

Have a good week.
jj

Pearl said...

Cookie dough. Me, you, a couple of wooden spoons and a big ol' bowl of cookie dough.

I won't tell if you won't.

:-)

Pearl

Vodka Mom said...

chips are MY crack.

♥Trina♥ said...

I'm with Vodka Mom...give me chips. However, I can get a high on some really good chocolate chip cookies. Almost bought a thingy of chocolate chip cookie dough last night. Not to make cookies--I wanted cookie dough. I managed to keep some will power though.

Hilary said...

Darn.. I was doing so well until I read this. Now I have crumbs on my shirt. Darn you!.

Sea Witch said...

You had me at Cookies are my Crack. Sea Witch

Julie said...

I'm here getting caught up on my blog reading!!! I'm leaving before some Thin Mints apply themselves directly to my ass.

Pop and Ice said...

Cookies are my absolute favorite baked good. In fact, I was just bemoaning the fact that I have nothing to go with my nightly tea. Guess I should have been baking rather than napping this afternoon!

WhisperingWriter said...

Cookies!

I am a big fan of cookies.

So long as they don't have raisins in them.

tattytiara said...

It's okay to be an addict as long as you're addicted to something legal though, right? Eat and enjoy, babe!

Miz Dinah said...

Mmm...crackies and milk...

被リンク said...

Oh, such a funny girl, my cousin loves crackie too!!!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Word of warning -- the Girl Scouts are out. My crew succumbed to two boxes by the bell ringers today. Only a hint of what is to come.

And you can afford yourself some cookies, you skinny thing. Now, me?

tammy said...

Cookies are like crack to me too. Have you made the ones where you grind up the Nutter Butters and mix them with cream cheese, roll them in balls and dip in chocolate? Oh my heavenly.

Gaston Studio said...

I'm right there with you on needing cookie intervention. When my daughter has decided that "we" are going to eat right, I have to sneak cookies in the back door and hide them from her... but I always enjoy them wholeheartedly with a glass of ice cold milk.

foxy said...

Dude, you need an intervention with your crackies. I need an intervention with my Mexican food. It's always something, isn't it? You know, if I had that fancy new mixer, I'd be using it every day too... you can't blame her!

mo.stoneskin said...

There's nothing wrong with crack I mean cookie addiction, nothing at all. In fact they're healthy, think of the ingredients. All it is flour, milk, egg, all good stuff.

Right?

Oh, well there might be some sugar beet product. That's a plant right? Healthy you see. Oh and you might mix in some cocoa-bean product. Consider it a cocoa-bean salad. There you go.

Anyway, fancy a cookie?

Everyday Goddess said...

Never met a cookie I didn't like.

Maybe not macaroons.

Beer Drinker said...

First time visitor. I think I came here from the "Funny Not Slutty" website. Now that's funny!

Nice post. I'm going to look around some more.

Jason, as himself said...

Hmmmmm. Do they have cookie rehab?

blognut said...

ARGH! I do not want to think about crack cookies.

*resisting urge to think about crack cookies*

Oy.

Mostlygrocery.com said...

What's with the 666 on the blender? Spooky

Red Hamster said...

I just succumbed to the pushing from the Children of the Crackies last week - in my own office - I didn't even have to walk to the street corner! I'll be mainlining my favorite pure dark chocolate bars till those crackies get delivered.

slouchy said...

did someone say cookies?

Debbie said...

Oh yes. I so agree. This is a terribly dangerous time of year.

Jocelyn said...

I have three things I do well in life: 1) apostrophes; 2) talk to people who are crying; 3) make cookies.

Were you put into my kitchen, I'd have you ODing by midnight.

Busy Bee Suz said...

**snicker snicker** Crackies?
I love this.
I have been involved in the crackie dealers for a long time. One year I had 12000 boxes of crackies in my garage. It was painful.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Heh, you said "even moaning sensually when they swallow."

Well YOU started it!

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Let's rehab together! Funny you should mention this cuz right after I lunched with you yesterday I made a Costco run wherein I broke down and bought a package of the most divine assortment of macademia nut, choc chip and oatmeal cookies (crackies) and ate 3 of them in the car on the way home! The package is now in the freezer where I will hopefully forget about them. (Yeah, right.)