January 6, 2010

Taken to the Cleaners

In the middle of the night, I wake in a heart-pounding sweat. Holy crap! I took my suede coat in for dry cleaning and FORGOT about it! In the dark, I realize it's been there for at LEAST two months. Panic grips me. The bastards probably sold it or pawned it or gave it to their middle-schooler. (Hey, I'm petite.)

Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget, I tell myself. In the morning, be sure you go straight over there and give them hell for not calling with a friendly reminder: "Ms. Liar, your beautiful coat's ready for a night on the town!" Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.

In the afternoon, I head to the store with my daughter. "I forgot!" I shriek, running half off the road. "We've got to stop at the cleaners for my coat. Those bastards should have called me!"

Daughter rolls her eyes.

Into the cleaners I go. "I'm here to pick up my black suede coat," I announce. Then I tap my fingers on the counter, impatient to be reunited with my beloved wrap (which I haven't worn at all this year because I got a new pea coat better suited to the arctic outbreaks we're having in south central Texas because the rest of the country just HAS to share their winter woes).

"I'm not seeing it," the ridiculous woman says. "When did you bring it in?"

"Well," I stammer, "about two months ago. I forgot, what with the holidays. Who could blame me? Perhaps you should check your racks."

Off she goes, affecting bewilderment, and returns emptyhanded. Surprise, surprise. She is in cahoots with the thieving staff, or she herself has absconded with it, have no doubt! She says faux helpfully, "Let me try one other place."

I give her the stinkeye to show my disgust at her incompetence and betrayal of my trust. Another five minutes go by, and I turn to give my daughter a shrug through the window. For good measure, I scowl emphatically to be sure she's clear on the depth of my displeasure.

The colluding clerk speaks: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm not showing it in the system. I've checked our affiliate sites, and it's not coming up there either."

Damn, they paid you off! Somebody got greedy! Why can't you just admit it?

"Oh really," I say, my nose wrinkling. "So, it's disappeared?" She tries to use good customer service on me, and I sneer at her in a way only the insanely disgruntled can. Then I huff out, feeling a little impotent about not being able to slam the door.

Back in the car, I vent to my daughter about the criminals I've been doing business with. She ventures that I may have dropped it off somewhere else, while I mutter obsenities and threats of murder. But I consider this as I march through the grocery store. Finally, beside myself with loss, I head home with a heavy heart. I'll miss you, Suedey.

At home in our broom closet is a buttload of giftbags, which I reuse repeatedly, as long as the giftee will let me have it back. Above the bags is a rack for hanging things. As I remove a pink bag for Miss America's birthday present, I spy something black and velvety, with ever-so-subtle scuffs on the shoulder. Suedey!

Wait. The bitch has been here the whole time? I only dreamed I dropped it off? And actually acted on that? O.M.F.G.

People, keep this on the downlow. Daughters will just accuse me of midlife mayhem and cajole me (about getting older and forgetful and crazy) until global warming becomes a Rush Limbaugh crusade. Pinky swear it! Shhhh!

52 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

I can totally relate; two winters in a row I bought a new winter coat because I was sure I need it, only to come home and find the perfectly good one I had bought the previous year hanging in the closet! So now I have a black winter coat, a burgundy winter coat, and a red winter coat. And every fall my hubby says, "Don't you need to get a new winter coat?" Just to rub it in! Duh!

~JarieLyn~ said...

Now, this was quite an entertaining story. I can relate I have the same kind of mind. I think everyone is lying, cheating or stealing. Well, at least you didn't go too far off the deep end when you were at the cleaners.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I pinky swear!

powdergirl said...

Hey, it's not like it was a Grand-kid or something...

And honestly, who can keep track? I've left a coat at the cleaners for a year, and various other stuff at various other locations for various other increments of time, and I'd have been right pissssed if it had not been right there waiting for me when I went to pick it up.

Sell my stuff will you? Dress your daughters in my hard earned finery(shopping can be very hard)? I don't think so!

Now I'm all in a snit, I'd better have another glass of wine. g'night Kimber : )

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I did the same thing, but with three pairs of pants. I could have sworn I had dropped them at the tailors to be altered.

Instead when I went to the cleaners today, there they were. Altered, and everything,

Rock and roll, girlfriend. Rock and roll. SHIT.

Alix said...

I saw that one coming a mile away, Liar dear. What a waste of perfectly good Stinkeye. Oh well, that cleaners will be ON THEIR TOES from now on, even if you're not.

PS: Blame the memory lapses on menopause. All my faux pas are no longer my fault. Yourse don't have to be either. Take a little help wherever you can get it, sistah.

High-fiving Powder for her comment.

Secretia said...

I love a happy ending like that!

T said...

I think there is a deep end with your name on it! lol!


We've all done that - mine is usually with the library and their books. I'm sure I've returned it, argue with the poor ladies and demand they remove the offensive entry from my account - at no cost of course.

Only to come home a few weeks/months later after one of the girls has done a massive cleaning/purging event to find THE book. In the dead of night it's returned via the book chute.

daisyfae said...

ouch. so, you were planning to try a new cleaner anyway, right?

Hilary said...

Sounds like you've had previous bad experiences with dry cleaners. Or you're an accomplished conclusion-jumper. ;)

Snappy Di said...

That remind me.... I still need to take my suede coat to the cleaners. GAH.... must write this crap down so I can remember. It's hell being over 50.... and I don't mean the speed limit either!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
(double pinky swear)

The Peach Tart said...

Oh honey I'm having the same memory moments. I have to make endless lists to keep up and then I forget where I put the lists. Bless your heart.

Michelle H. said...

I say, keep the conspiracy theory. While you were at the store, the cleaners snuck into your house, broke in, and placed it in the closet.

I pinky swear it!

Gaston Studio said...

What an ordeal to have gone thru, but at least you have your beautiful black suede coat.

I was positive our poltergeist had taken my favorite black shoes but I found them, months later, in a forgotten closet. I'm convinced the poltergeist put them there just to aggravate me.

TechnoBabe said...

Okay, pinky swear but I at least have to tell hubby the reason I am laughing so hard I had to run and cut him off at the hallway to get into the bathroom before him!

sarah said...

i think Michelle H. is onto something with that conspiracy theory! Or... ya know, you could always just hide it a few days longer and then tell your daughter they called you back and found it! Either way, glad to hear Suedey's back in your life!

Anna Lefler said...

I'll keep this under my hat if you'll zip it about how last week I forgot it was a short day at school and my kids had to call me from the office to remind me to come get them.

[sigh]

Believe me, they're never going to let me forget *that* one.

Happy New Year!

XO

Anna

foxy said...

Hahahaha... I can SO see that happening! I just love that you name your coats... Suedey!!

Jazz said...

I took a winter coat to the cleaners and forgot it over the summer. When I finally remembered and went to pick it up... of course it wasn't there.

It was in my closet. With the cleaning tags still on.

I forgot I picked it up. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

*sigh*

phd in yogurtry said...

Oh sister. Big sigh of relief here. Glad I'm not the only one.

Pat said...

Oh I LOVE when I do something like this. Unfortunately, it's almost a DAILY occurrence. Damn!

Cindy said...

Hahahahaha!
But, the one thing that I would do, I'd call that poor clerk and tell her my silliness...and then never go there a gain!

Shana said...

Suedey still loves you

AirmanMom said...

If it makes you feel better...I dropped off a beautiful, charcoal colored, wool blazer at the dry cleaners and they DID lose it! Yep, I kid you not! I was a crazed lunatic...one would have thought they stole my first born daughter or stole my Kindle. Months later, I received a check in the mail for what they felt was compensation.
Needless to say, I have found a new cleaners and made sure I told them of my tragic tale. So far, I have yet to lose any articles of clothing...then again, I am a bit Cleaners-Shy!
Great Post!
~AM

Suzy said...

I was furious that I had lost the shoes I bought in Hawaii. I was wearing them, bought other shoes and put the Hawaii shoes in the new shoe box. Then threw it out.

I ordered some more from Hawaii, only not as decorated with bone and straw because they didn't have them online.

I found the original shoes the moment the other ones arrived from Hawaii. I hated them so much I keep them in my car as my pedicure shoes.

Joker_SATX said...

So? Have those Theiving Lying Bastards at the cleaners redeemed themselves?

Brian Miller said...

lol. i have done this a few times...

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Hahaha! I do think sort of thing all the time! Glad to know it's not just me. :)

justsomethoughts... said...

wont say a word.
and the cleaners paranoia ? perfectly normal.
i swear.

mid said...

I knew that was going to be the outcome. Know why? Because I might or might not have done the same thing recently. Ugh......but don't worry, my lips are sealed. Besides, the second I hit the "post" button and return to my homepage I'll see your newest post in my reader and I'll say to myself..."hmmm...wonder how Liar's been taken to the cleaners"....

Like I said....it's hell.

midlife slices said...

Ha! I didn't even finish typing in my information to leave a comment before I hit the publish button so see what I mean??

Susan R. Mills said...

Ha! Just did that, only it was a medical bill I swore I mailed, and I got in a big knock-down, drag-out with the winch on the phone. Yep, I found it a couple of days later in the drawer where I keep a stack of things I need to do. I guess I dreamed that too.

bernthis said...

okay, that tops all of mine. YOu DREAMT you took it in? Classic

dana said...

So, I lost not only MY key, but the keys to the house and my husband's truck were all together....Husband makes two trips to get the car and truck re-keyed....re-programmed...$180. MONTHS later, he pulls the washer out to check the odd rattle. Yep. Keys hanging on water spout BEHIND washer. Waaa? Huh??? I had even looked in the FREEZER, but behind the washer????

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

So, what you do is go back to the cleaners and tell them that you were on assignment as a secret shopper and that they passed since they did all they could to locate an item that was never lost.

I would never tell your kids. If they are like mine, they wouldn't let me forget!

Jen said...

You are losing your mind but at least you didn't lose your coat. OMFG indeed. How funny and sad to say I have done the very same thing. Duh.

ldbeams said...

This just sounds way too familiar. LOL. Happy New Year, My Dear. I still just love reading your blog. I was looking for your new "word" for this year. Mine isn't quite a word, more of a motto "stomp out procrastination". LOL. Last year was "organize", but it didn't work too well. I think I had them in the wrong order. LOL.
Take care.

mountaindoodler said...

LOL, funny stuff!

blognut said...

I can't even make fun of you for this because I can't fine my warmest winter coat at the moment and it's, like, -2 around here. I'm f-f-f-freezing!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Um ... yeah ... remind me to tell you the story of the Valet who *stole* my iPod that I left in my car. Except it might have actually been in my purse.
What?
I don't know how you could ever do anything like this!

rxBambi said...

bwahahaha! Thank you! You just made my day :)

Breathe said...

I still say you owe that woman a mea culpa. For Karmanic reasons...

:)

injaynesworld said...

Damn those massive brain farts! I feel your pain. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. I once bought a sequined top from a store that shall remain unnamed. When I went to wear it a couple of weeks later I couldn't find it anywhere and deduced that the clerk had forgotten to put it in my bag with my other purchases. An irate phone call and an issued credit later... Yep. You guessed it. Now the proper thing to do would have been to call them, admit my mistake and have it put back on my account, but I just could not bear to expose my aging brain cells to the ridicule. Now I will surely go to hell.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

that is so funny.

diane said...

Oh thank god I'm not the only one who's crazy. Just look at how many of us can relate. Don't you feel so much better now, knowing that you hang out with a bunch of loonies?

Nancy said...

I had this exact experience with my winter coat! Only I knew I had dropped it off last spring and then completely forgot about it. Same scene at the dry cleaners - same scene at home when my husband finds it, nicely wrapped and clean. Geeze I wonder how many of us do that every year...

Jeanne said...

We have a white board in our back hallway where EVERYTHING that must be remembered is recorded. Anything that doesn't make it to the whiteboard is no longer part of this universe.

Me-Me King said...

Wooo-hooo, there's some really BIG news waiting for you over at The Screaming Me-Me....stop on by.

Bernie said...

Must be the chemicals in the water or in our food are getting worse. You midlifers are not supposed to be getting "senior moments" for years yet. I shudder to think what you guys will be like then!:

creative kerfuffle said...

ok---i type lol A LOT when something amuses me but this post? yes, i really did laugh out loud! i think i snorted too. this is priceless and if my mom did this she'd never, ever, ever hear the end of it! ha

Michelle Wells Grant said...

This is perfectly hilarious!
When I was in college I had a beautiful midi-length navy blue suede coat which I just adored. One night I got really hammered and barfed on it while I was driving (back in the day when drinking and barfing while driving was totally cool) and I was too embarrassed to take it to the cleaners. You know, to just ask them if they could kindly get the vomit out, please. So I put it in a plastic bag until I could figure out what to do about it. Eventually I threw it away. And then I went out and drowned my sorrows.

jules said...

I would totally do that!!! So glad you still have it!