You read me right (unless you read me dirty)! For the first time in five decades, I got my nails done by a professional. Not just a mani either. I got the works: artificial "solar" nails. They look awesome. It's just that . . . Well, know what you can’t do with fake fingernails?
* Can’t pick your nose. Square tips make it impossible to get past the porthole. (Vodka Mom, those rugrats still mining for gold in class? Get those little booger bugs some French tips!)
* Can’t pick up change from a flat surface, not unless you tip one edge into a crack. Ditto for paper clips, bobby pins, buttons, and sharp, sharp, sharp thumb tacks. Did I mention sharp?
* Can’t text. Total blackout on communication, folks. Opposable thumbs don’t matter when all you can text into your cell phone is “yh3s3 fuvkin nals r kihhing mee.”
* Typing on my laptop has been a challenge but, hey, my speed is picking up. I banged this out in six hours!
* Trying to work a zipper is a whole ‘nother story. Spent a lot of time in the bathroom today, most of it standing up. Hunched over. Squeezing my knees together. And cussing.
* NEW ONE: Can't scoop your finger into anything creamy, like night cream, liquid foundation, and frosting. It all gets gooped up under the nail -- 'course, if you find frosting later, that might be a nice treat! ;)
All I gotta say is, Thank god I wear thongs. If I had to pick a thick wedgie out of my butt, I’d slash a hemorrhoid – if I had one, I mean.
Note: Yankee Chick says if you put on pantyhose, "be vewy, vewy careful not to poke your thumb nails thru them." You know what she means, girlies. You could run those puppies from your ankles to your uh-uh! And how sexy is an unsightly run? Gentlemen?.