January 14, 2009

I Got Nailed!

You read me right (unless you read me dirty)! For the first time in five decades, I got my nails done by a professional. Not just a mani either. I got the works: artificial "solar" nails. They look awesome. It's just that . . . Well, know what you can’t do with fake fingernails?

* Can’t pick your nose. Square tips make it impossible to get past the porthole. (Vodka Mom, those rugrats still mining for gold in class? Get those little booger bugs some French tips!)

* Can’t pick up change from a flat surface, not unless you tip one edge into a crack. Ditto for paper clips, bobby pins, buttons, and sharp, sharp, sharp thumb tacks. Did I mention sharp?

* Can’t text. Total blackout on communication, folks. Opposable thumbs don’t matter when all you can text into your cell phone is “yh3s3 fuvkin nals r kihhing mee.”

* Typing on my laptop has been a challenge but, hey, my speed is picking up. I banged this out in six hours!

* Trying to work a zipper is a whole ‘nother story. Spent a lot of time in the bathroom today, most of it standing up. Hunched over. Squeezing my knees together. And cussing.

* NEW ONE: Can't scoop your finger into anything creamy, like night cream, liquid foundation, and frosting. It all gets gooped up under the nail -- 'course, if you find frosting later, that might be a nice treat! ;)

All I gotta say is, Thank god I wear thongs. If I had to pick a thick wedgie out of my butt, I’d slash a hemorrhoid – if I had one, I mean.

Note: Yankee Chick says if you put on pantyhose, "be vewy, vewy careful not to poke your thumb nails thru them." You know what she means, girlies. You could run those puppies from your ankles to your uh-uh! And how sexy is an unsightly run? Gentlemen?
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26 comments:

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Now that I am a country girl I gave up the nail habit. They DO make it hard to button a button or pick up a dime. Perhaps this spring I'll pick up the old habit again.

Cute post!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Braja said...

Oh yeah, the change on the counter thing...lol...

Vodka Mom said...

omg I am laughing so hard right now!! Yes, they are always digging.....but I love your damn list!!!!

I used to wear fake nails to school, and one day one flew off and flipped through the air and landed on a young lady's desk. She picked it up and handed it to me.........it was hysterical.

Yankeechick said...

If you put on any pantyhose, be vewy, vewy careful not to poke your thumb nails thru them ;)

lisa said...

Found you through Nothing Fancy.

OMG, you are funny and straight to the point - my kind of gal. And, you blog is gorgeous!

smiles4u said...

LOL! See, this is why I don't have nails like that...it would drive me completely crazy trying to keep that all nice and pretty and then I would end up saying "screw it" and they would not look all pretty by the next day!

nothingfancy1 said...

Yes, tis the price we must pay to be beautiful. But seriously, what is more important? Looking good or functioning? I vote for looking good!!!

Midlife Slices said...

More reasons for me NOT to have beautifully manicured hands with lovely nails. I'm sacrificing my beauty for functionality. ugh..

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL this totally cracked me up!! And belly laughing at work is never good...it ain't like anything I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is funny. I'm getting some raised eyebrows...GOTTA GOOOO
But thanks for cheering me up!

Mrs. C. said...

Never know what will bring a stranger to your blog. I would not have guessed you were talking about a manicure and my curiosity was piqued, to say the least. Now I have to read through more of your funny stuff....

Does the fact that my curiosity was piqued by the title of today's post mean I am really trashy?

Laura Jayne said...

And a wonderful day will come when you get it caught somehow and it will pull and rip and feel like your entire finger is being torn in two. That is always delightful. But they look pretty. :)

haute flash contessa said...

Those long nails are good for some things:

1. Picking up nasty kids' socks off the floor without actually touching them;

2. Picking up nasty men's underwear off the floor without actually touching them;

3. Picking fleas off the dog without actually touching either the fleas or the dog; and

4. Pulling the cork out of a wine bottle when your kids have hidden the corkscrew

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

LOL That is hilarious I used to wear fake nails and then once you dont have them on anymore everything that was hard with nails is even harder without nails! Did that make any sense? Yeah I didn't think so! : )

daisyfae said...

playing guitar is a challenge - but i've gotten used to keeping my left hand a touch shorter than the right. if dolly parton can do it with 2" long talons?

Twenty Four At Heart said...

OK, let's try this comment thing again and see if it goes through! :)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

It won't go through in any way except with this old gmail address which I haven't used in a year. I don't know why? But at least I got it to go through! :)

IB said...

Damn funny!

I found you through Irish Gumbo. I'll be back for more. Good Times!

IB

Smart Mouth Broad said...

It's a whole new world. I've had them for over 20 years now. Kind of a pain in the arse sometimes but they look so purty!

steppinthru said...

OMGsh ! I snorted out loud and made everyone in the room look at me. I'm just getting my own nails back in shape after having "solars" for a couple of years. I love them but every now and then I have to let my own breathe. Glad you got nailed.

Jan said...

I'm with Stepping Thru - my nails are taking their annual "rest" - I almost always take them off over the holidays because I can't afford to keep them, either time or money-wise.

As odd as it is to get used to them, it will be just as hard to get used to NOT having them if you keep them for any length of time and then go without for any reason.

Debbie said...

You crack me up with the thongs.
And I've only had a manicure once in my life, before my wedding. I'm just the lowest maintenance gal in the world.

Mary Moore said...

You're hilarious! Thx for following me!

And I love your blog title. :o)

thistle said...

i gave up on longer nails years ago...but really? you can't text in them...how is that possible, i can text in mittens! It's been...uh...cold up here this year.

Fragrant Liar said...

I am loving my new nails! And I'm learning how to text and do things with the underside of my fingers instead of fingertips. Still can't pick my nose though . . .

KJ

Robin said...

I got my first nails at 42 and had to give them up at 43. They aren't sharp enough to give a good scratch, they kinda just rub. It's like scratching your back with a well made spoon.

And they made me vain. All I wanted to do was stare at them and click them on counter tops.

Fragrant Liar said...

HA! I am walking around flashing my nails, like Do you all see what I've got goin' on with m fingers? Are they awesome or what? I do stare at them a lot too. :)