January 28, 2009

Mr. Right Up My Alley

I might have mentioned it before, but while lazing in front of the tube watching old movies, the geniuses at Bravo targeted me for repeated airings of eHarmony, Match, and Chemistry commercials. I mean, how do they know I'm single? How do they know when I'm spending all day in my pajamas, regarding brazieres with disdain? How do they know I'm debating a real penis versus some kind of vibrating purple beaver thing? Am I that obvious?

Well, I confess. Their advertising was just too damn effective. Plus, all my friends and office mates (14 women, 0 men) pushed me to "just give it a try" so I don't have to spend all my time in testosterone-rich environments like bars. Not that there's anything wrong with that . . . So I officially lit up my VACANCY sign.

To be honest, I normally date younger men. They're generally more playful, and playful is important to me. But I thought maybe this time I would shoot for someone older, someone with a lot of life experience and time to spend on me. So I entered all the appropriate search criteria and came up totally, disappointingly, vacuously empty. There aren't a lot of hotties who have aged well, and that's important to me too. In fact, most of the pickins are a bunch of bubbas. I don't care if I do live in Texas, I don't want anything to do with a paunchy redneck in a cowboy hat, a tombstone-sized belt buckle, and a cheek-full o' chew.

In fact, the old bucks seem to have given up on presenting themselves in the best light, if the pictures they post are any indication. Yes, I'm judging. That's just part of it. Listen, if you're putting up grainy pictures of yourself in a fishing boat from fifty yards away, or holding a rifle while standing on a moving jeep in your camos, or straddling a motorcycle as an expression of your virility, let me enlighten you: That's not attractive!

Hey, I have standards. First impressions count. Did you ever buy a smokin' New Year's Eve frock (I just wanted to say frock) based on its history in the dress factory? No, it caught your eye from the rack and drew you in for a closer look. You imagined how fabulous and sexy you'd look when you stepped outta the limo in it. Only then did you try it on, see if it fit in all the right places, seal the deal and buy it.

The one scholarly guy I took a chance on for coffee and dinner turned out to be a latin Eeyore. While he had a few things in his favor (LA-tin!), it all ended rather abruptly and unpleasantly. Ladies, gender communications issues have still not evolved beyond, "I'll never understand women."

On broadening my search criteria and accepting that I just can't hang with a stodgy old fart, I did manage to find a couple of yummy prospects. By yummy, I mean intelligent, successful, family-oriented, adventurous, confident, a little vulnerable, playful, hot, and normal. Which begs the question, did your sister fill out this profile form for you? Because you're saying all the right things!

Since things are looking up, you can expect another episode of Fragrant Liar's Search for Mr. Right Up My Alley. Meanwhile, where's that catalogue with the vibrating purple beaver things?
.

28 comments:

Debbie said...

We old married women will live vicariously through you as you try this dating thing. I can't wait!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I'm with Debbie. I can't wait to hear the rest of the story!

Irish Gumbo said...

Well, did you post the same picture you have in your profile? Just sayin'...(it looks goood and all) :)

Melissa said...

Oh, girl, I do not envy you being in the dating world (but I do envy you about the purple vibrating thing)! There just isn't much out there (like I'm telling you something you don't already know).

Good luck in the trenches, and...

I love your blog!

lisa said...

Younger sounds good...Look at Demi and Ashton...uh, that's all I can think of, but if she can do it, so can you. Looking forward to the next date.

p.s. I thought the vibrating things only came in red....Damn, they lied to me.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I met my sweetheart in 1997 on American Singles dot org. It was free at that time. I was 43 and he was 46. Lived together for 10 years and married just last year. I had 100 men contact me over a period of 30 days... you really have to sift through the e-mails and find the few that are even worth meeting. I think I met 6 of them and only one was worth keeping... Lots of frogs out there. Take your time.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

YankeeChick said...

Was that you that came through my check out line the other day with the condoms, warming lubricant and Cool Whip?!?! ;)

Good luck finding Mr Right Up Your Alley, but.....please be careful....(don't cringe...just be....well, ....careful)

Cant Hardly Wait said...

Honestly? If I could go back and not marry my husband and marry a purple dildo instead, I probably would.

But it was a small up-close-and-personal wedding at my dad's house. People would probably be like "James looks pretty similar to a purple dildo in that tux."

travel girl said...

i have not done much dating but the little I did before I met Mr. J (and still not sure if he is *the one*) was all bad. I would have rather been home watching the Bravo channel in my P.J's;)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Is that why you shop for merkins?? heh! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHA. Y'all make me laugh out loud.

Debbie and SMB, Lots more to come on this subject, I'm sure.

Irish Gumbo, Yes, I used the picture in my profile. But also other pics. I just don't have a current pic of my hair at the in-between stage. I know you know what I mean . . .

Melissa, I'd rather be in a solid relationship than the dating world. It's enough to make you go celibate. Well, almost.

Lisa, not only purple and red, but pink, orange, and black. Can you imagine the feedback if they came in green or blue? Ick.

Di, you are so right. So many frogs. Where's my prince?

Yankee Chick, were you the express counter clerk? I like to zip through the lines when I have my -- er, paraphernalia.

Can't Hardly Wait, I am sure you are not alone in thinking your man resembles a huge dick. Unfortunately.

Travel Girl, hanging around the house in my PJs means I don't have to get out and be social. Sometimes that's the best medicine.

Twenty Four, I don't shop for merkins; I MAKE them! :)

Stepping Thru said...

Oh the joys of dating. I remember when my sister went the "dating service" route and she came up with some real winners.....not. Have fun but I'm with Yankee Chick, be careful. There are a lot of dicks...uh...I mean...jerks out there.

daisyfae said...

haven't gone to online dating. yet. but know it's in my future as part of my quest to "collect the whole set" now that i'm single again at 46...

definitely keep us posted... there's an efficiency to this internet thing that could really make this an efficient process. but at the same time? there be trolls out there...

Braja said...

OK Ms Fragrant, forgive me for being such an irregular visitor, it's hard to hit all my blogs while I'm not at home :)

nothingfancy1 said...

Oh this is gonna be fun!!!! You MUST tell us all of your stories...the good and the bad. I can't wait!

Sarah Foxworth said...

Ok - drop the purple vibrating thing. Get THE RABBIT - it's well worth it! Good to have around whether your single or married... ;D

I'm VERY interested to see where this all leads... I can't wait to hear about all the escapades!!

nikkicrumpet said...

This could be a fun spectator sport...watching you date. And as to that other thing.....two words....MAGIC WAND. (google it...you'll never need a man again lol)

thistle said...

Just can't make myself try the on-line thing...i'll follow your adventures closely tho. How true about the some of the pics of guys...altho i have certainly developed an new appreciation for older guys, the 'playful' part is pretty damn attractive...

Beki said...

Hope you have better luck than I did!! Just a word of warning....stay away from plentyofish dot com!!!! SCARY!!!

Wonderwoman said...

I've got a son that needs a good woman, he's 22...please tell me that's not too young. May even pay money for someone to take him. LOL

Raven said...

I love your deliberation of the purple monster or the real thing! I met my husband on match.com in 06. We got married 9 months later. He insisted on telling everyone we met through a "friend". I always told everyone the truth. Except my Mother...she found out the day before we got married. But, it all worked out! Keep trying...those sites really do work! :)

BTW - I love your bluntly true blog!!!

ldbeams said...

I've told my oldest daughter for years to try e-harmony. If I was her or my other daughter's ages (middle 20's) I'd do it in a flat minute instead of wasting time with guys I have nothing in common with, or you don't realize how bad they are until it's too late. She always gets these a**holes who are anything but loving and supporting. She finally decided to give it a try. I'll be waiting for both your stories.

I'll have to tell her about American Singles. I did know a guy once who used to play on "plenty of fish" and yeah, that sounded like a scary site.

Have fun. If I had more energy, I'd be jealous. LOL.

Vic said...

I gave you an award- come by and get it!

Have a great weekend!

Midlife Slices said...

I'm calling foul on my sister's comment because I am the sister that went the "internet dating route" and I'll have her know I had a pretty fetching BILLIONAIRE hot to trot after me, but we didn't "spark" and I sooooo have to have that spark to start a good flame, if ya know what I mean. Good luck with those perfect ones who never turn out to be what they say they are........I'm just sayin....

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

This is such a fun post. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Sabrae Carter said...

Who needs a catalog when you can just go to www.shoperotic.com and find everything that you need! LMAO!! Not that I would know that at all! lol Saw it on tv sitting at home alone tonight! lol Only thing on I SWEAR! !!!!! lol

Sweet Cheeks said...

Flo!
Good luck with the dating thing. Just don't trust what the guy says, trust what he does. Actions speak louder they say...
And all women need a purple friend...regardless of their status!
:)

disa said...

成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉,伊莉討論區,伊莉論壇,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片,免費影片,免費小遊戲,免費遊戲,小遊戲,遊戲,好玩遊戲,好玩遊戲區,A片,情趣用品,遊戲區,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆,遊戲基地,線上遊戲,色情遊戲,遊戲口袋,我的遊戲口袋,小遊戲區,手機遊戲,貼圖,我的遊戲口袋,小遊戲區,手機遊戲,貼圖