January 10, 2009

It's Not a Wedgie

I have stripped down to my skivvs in my closet, and now stand deep in thought about what to wear, when I hear someone gasp behind me.

"Oh my god!" says five-year-old Miss America. "Don't tell me you got a wedgie! Gross!"

I am relieved to find that it is only a small child who gasps with her face at eye level with my naked gluteus maximus (emphasis on the maximus).

I turn toward her, clutching my arms across my bare chest as she tries to peer around me, determined to get a better look. "It's not a wedgie," I inform her, leading her in circles.

"I's in you butt," she points out with concern. "I's a wedgie. Can you pull it out?"

"It's not a wedgie, and it's not stuck. It's a thong, the kind of undies that are supposed to fit like that."

Her curling upper lip and raised eyebrow portray her disgust. "In you butt?"

"Yes. In you butt. But you don't feel it in you butt because there's not enough material there to bunch up and bug you."

She grimaces doubtfully, and then gives me the palms up. "You can't put ice in you butt."

I gape. Miss America giggles. Takes me a few seconds to get that she has seen somebody put ice in somebody else's pants.

"That's right," I say. "No ice down my pants. A good thing for you to remember."

She skips out of my room. "Cuz you got a wedgie!"

I shout after her, shaking my fist in the air like the distraught Elephant Man, "It . . . is not . . . a wedgie!"

.

31 comments:

Irish Gumbo said...

Hold on, hold on, you have to be making this up. C'mon. you? A maximus? Little far fetched if you ask me ;)

Hey, if you really want to get crazy, try a Brazilian wedgie! All the rage in Rio, but you may walk a little funny.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Thats too funny! I guess its better then her telling all of Target that you have a wedgie?! : )

daisyfae said...

you can always teach her what an "atomic wedgie" is... that's waistband over the forehead. that'll keep her busy at family gatherings...

Braja said...

I was thinking the same as Sarah: lucky you were at home and not in the change room and Macy's or something!!

Vodka Mom said...

OMG you are so DAMN funny. I laughed out loud!!!

Breathe said...

Girlfriend, it's time to get a lock on that door. :)

And I'm with her. It's a wedgie.

Stepping Thru said...

I almost choked on my drink! That is hilarious. I like to wear thongs sometimes but not everyday. Never thought I would say that. If I die unexpectedly my kids will be so shocked when they go through my lingerie drawer.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Wish I could wear those things.... I always feel like I need to pick something out of my butt when I wear them. Oh well, my ass just ain't what it used to be anyway... *sighs
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Janie said...

That's too funny! In you butt? I love how she talks!

Denise said...

I just spit coffee all over my keyboard...

smiles4u said...

Tooooo funny! Thank you for the great sunday morning laugh! Those darn grand kids sure have a way with us don't they?!

A New England Life said...

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me 'Nana' is wearing a thong? I had no idea! I thought it was for teenage girls and 20 somethings! Well you go Nana!

Bikini panties are the smallest I can stand these days ; )

Julie said...

OMG. I just spit coffee all over my monitor!!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO!

Yankeechick said...

You are hysterical! I'm not sure about the comfort level of wearing a thong, but with my big butt, I would be afraid it would go in and never come out!!

Midlife Slices said...

You KNOW that will be the thing she'll tell people when everyone else is raising their hands to speak and she needs something to say. Like in school or Sunday school. LOL How funny.

Fragrant Liar said...

Miss America is my girl! She always tells me like it is -- calls me on my bullshit, even though she doesn't realize it.

I've had so many people ask me about the thongs I wear, and how I find them comfortable. I don't know; I just do. And I never, ever have a panty line.

AirmanMom said...

this is my first visit to your blog...I actually found you because you commmented on MudPuppy's blog. Isn't he an amazing young man? I look forward to readingy you again soon!

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

She is too cute and too funny! This story reminds me of a time when I was teaching Jazzercise. The trendy exercise attire of the time was a thong leotard over spandex/cotton tights. I went into the store after class confident that my cover-up was long enough to make me presentable to the non-gym public. But alas, my long shirt rode up and exposed my thong leotard (over bike shorts) An older gentleman approached me with a very concerned look on his face and said a little sheepishly, "Excuse me, Miss, are you aware that you have your underwear on outside of your pants?" I looked at him completely shocked, said "Oh My Gawd!" and quickly left. He must have thought I was nuts. And I guess he was right.

nikkicrumpet said...

*SNORT* *GUFFAW** I just woke up both dogs and probably my hubby with my loud laughter....I love kids! oh and just so you know...ahem....you have a wedgie!!!!!!!!!

nothingfancy1 said...

LOL!!! Thanks for the good laugh this morning!!!!!

Aleta said...

Lol. I love this post! From the eyes of children and the frustration of adults ~ it makes for a hilarious share!

Debbie said...

Hysterical! Who was scarred more after the encounter?

Duchess said...

I never got used to those thong thingies, though she did try (once)

Val said...

The funniest thing I've seen recently was when Z put a pair of MY briefs on OVER his jeans - ya know, like Superman!
[& yes we're just S of Dallas, just over da border in Ellis Co]

Anna Lefler said...

AWESOME!

I'm so glad you found my blog so I could find yours!!!

Happy Day.

:^) Anna

Debbie said...

Go on Miss Thong.

In you butt. LOL!!!!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

That's too cute. Glad you were at home too.

About Bobbi C. said...

You really can't feel it? Dang, I didn't know that. Gotta get me some of them. bc

Laura said...

Well, that's one less future thong-wearer!

acrylic nails said...

Lol. I love this post!

Mona said...

Ok..I will. I have sort of been searching around for something worse than my blog about sick kids, vomit, dogs and.. anyway..I am just trying to make myself feel better. At least this one didn't make me gag. I loved it! Cute as heck. OH, that I could wear a thong! I pull my jeans out of my butt and don't wear panties with jeans simply because they ride up. You don't mind that thingy "in you butt?" :) Lordy, I do!!