January 23, 2009

Let's Cuss

Inspired by hypersensitive people with squeamish sensibilities and ridiculous pretensions (or those who just don't get that I was born with a dominant irreverence gene). Stop giving me the stink eye. And now, a little history . . .

I'm a cusser. I make NO apologies. I have been a cusser since I was about nine, and my tomboy cousin Cheryl and I discovered we were accomplished wordsmiths in disguise. Blonde hair pulled into pigtail braids, we saucy fourth graders had been set free on a hot summer day to walk 500 yards to the Safeway store for gum. As we crossed the dusty field behind my grandmother's house, Cheryl said these words: "Let's cuss."

This was the pinnacle of bright ideas, and I quickly tried my hand at it. I forced a word out of my voicebox to see how easily it fit in my mouth, floated off my tongue, and hung in the air. "Fa-a-art."

Not quite the taboo obscenity of the time, but I was working up to the big stuff. We laughed out loud. What else can you do when someone says fart? It's reflexive. Say it: "Fart." Try not to giggle. Bet you can't.

Cousin Cheryl wasted no time in lobbing a return. She uttered the cuss word my father had tossed around since I could sit on the pot by myself. She said: "Shit." Pretty much the mother of cuss words in my little world. We both gasped and volleyed more lewdness until we ran out of material. In other words, thirty seconds. We then began to use select words in complete sentences, sort of like a vocabulary lesson in a self-paced learning environment. You get that, right Vodka Mom?

Cheryl: Bobbie farted like a balloon loopty-looping to the ceiling.

Me: He quit laughing when it turned out he pooped his pants! Oh, wait, he shit his pants!

Yeah, we were crazy out of control, marveling at our ingenuity, keen usage of the forbidden, and bravery when no one else was around to slap the bejeezus out of us.

I remember fondly, circa 1972, when my mother shouted at my sister, Dee, who as a preteen had been caught slinging an F-bomb at my brother (he totally deserved it). My mother clenched her teeth and shouted, "Stop that cussing shit!" When she realized the irony, even she couldn't hide a smile. See? In the genes.

Thirty-some-odd years later, this form of expression is just part of my everyday vernacular. I try to refrain from it in mixed company (a meager effort, yes, but I'm a natural-born pleaser). And I admit I can't really quit anytime I want. I'm destined to be a crusty centenarian, heading to the sweet by and by with a fulfilling vulgarity rolling off my tongue.

Shit, yeah.

.

23 comments:

lisa said...

At times, a sentence laden with nothing but sh, fu, dn,etc. just about says it all.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Well ain't that just the shits. See, I'm a cusser too even though dem dar folks 'o mine sent me to my room for it. My daughter calls me on it too.. but who gives a rats ass. See ya in the sweet by and by!

Di

Robin said...

I admire you. I am swamped with guilt when I cuss. After 24 years of marriage I finally feel brave enough to cuss in front of my husband. It makes us both laugh when I act all bad ass.

I like your blog. You are entertaining and hip!

smiles4u said...

I call myself a recovering potty mouth since I used to swear without even knowing I was swearing. Then I entered motherhood and worked on curing myself of this ailment. I have done pretty damn good over the years, with occasional "naughty" words slipping out in front of the children....which they have never forgotten of course. These "naughty" words do come out more freely when I am not in the presence of little people but nontheless they do come out on occasion. And of course they repeat everything they hear me say. I do swear in my head a lot though. Glad to hear that I am not alone in this!

AirmanMom said...

I'm married to a sailor, need I say more?

~AM

MilesPerHour said...

I knew I found the girl of my dreams when the F-word was her favorite as is mine. It can be used in so many ways. Gotta love it's versatility!

Braja said...

I just can't help myself either....now where the HELL is Vodka Mum??

Captain Poolie said...

Thanks for stopping by my diary and leaving a comment! You are a scream, woman!

Vodka Mom said...

That was damn funny.

HAHA.

I mean, that was damn funny you BITCH.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Although I began later, I'm a quick study. I try and pay attention to audience and adjust according.

Great post.

IB said...

It's totally HOT when women cuss!

Mary Moore said...

I love swearing. It's my pasttime. Just ask anyone who knows me too well.

Midlife Slices said...

And the problem with cussing is...????????

Fragrant Liar said...

Man, all this camaraderie over cussing! I think we should form a cusser's club. :)

daisyfae said...

sounds like we have this trait in common - i'm careful around those with sensitive ears (and little kids), but other than that? i work in obscenities as an art form!

Stepping Thru said...

I am a recovering cusser. The whole twelve step program and everything. My mouth got so bad that I knew I had a problem when I spewed out a stream of obscenities at a church women's retreat about 25 years ago and drew the uncomfortable stares of the women at my table. Since then I have managed to rid myself of all but the word "shit". It just won't go away. Oh well, maybe when I'm 90 I can go back and pick them all up.

Trina said...

Shit is my word of choice. I got it from my granny. I can clearly remember her saying, "Oh shit" in church. It mortified me at the time, and while I don't say it is church, I doubt there is a day that goes by when I don't say shit at least once. When I get REALLY mad (or inebriated), I can let the words fly with the best of them.

Kristen said...

What timing. My teenage son and I had a big long convo today about swearing. As I walked out of his room I'm pretty sure I was thinking, "Why the hell do I let him get to me that way?!"

Great blog! You are very witty!

Raven said...

My Husand LOVED your suggestion for his hard work cleaning house. He is now obsessed with when he is going to get this reward! Even going as far as looking at me a few minutes ago and saying "you got a pretty mouth" in the most southern back woods accent you can think of! :)
Maybe if I give rewards...I will have a cleaner house!!! ;-)

Julie said...

In the immortal words of George Carlin....

ShitPissFuckCuntCocksuckerMotherfuckerTits.

You're welcome.

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh yeah! Talk dirty to me, baby!

Divine Chaos said...

my buddies and I started cussing around the 4th or 5th grade .. out on the school playground. We'd dare each other in stage whispers while we were on the swings or the jungle gym -- "Come on, say it Stace, say ...shit" -- "No, you say something first!" -- "Ok fine! FUCK" I always went for the one that would give the most shock value LOL

nothingfancy1 said...

I'm a goody-goody. I say "smidgetts" ALOT. It's my code word for "SH!T@$$"