August 6, 2009

Four Boners and a Wedding

I'm giving away my beloved niece to her handsome fiancé on their wedding day. Thankfully, the ceremony and photo session are brief affairs; and we head to what is affectionately called a "redneck reception" due to the location (a barn), the personal facilities (port-a-potties), the novelty memorabilia for guests (koozies in that camo pattern), and the yummy blue groom's cake (adorned with beer cans). It's really a cute outdoor setup and fun from the moment we arrive. I'm thrilled at the lack of pretense.

Meanwhile, my whole demeanor is a pretense. In the 100-degree heat of a Houston afternoon, I exchange pleasantries with T-Doo's friends and the groom's family, and I smile. But neither the bridal party nor the guests can see that I have four boners, two in front and two in back, sewn into the lining of my dress. Cutting into my lower back and cinching my abdomen, they are determined to make me scream and buck like a sweaty, pissed off bronc at the rodeo—which could work at a redneck reception, but which would also make me look silly in photos.

The tiltwall structure of my covert corset keeps me upright. I cannot bend over. I cannot sit down. I wonder absently why I'm holding my breath. Oh wait. I'm not holding my breath; I can't breathe because my lungs can't expand, which goes against the laws of physics! Remember Elizabeth in Pirates of the Caribbean, when she stands up on the cliff and her corset is squeezing her to fainting? That is me. I have passed the point of coping, and before I pass out, I MUST GET THIS THING OFF ME!

I steal my daughter's keys and march in white highheels through a pasture where all the cars are parked. Not even Captain Johnny-Jack Sparrow can stop me. By the time I get to the Honda and drop into the back seat where ultra dark windows will protect my impending nakedness from onlookers, I am in an all-out panic. Ah, but I am safe now. I can get out of this thing and breathe!

Except that I can't reach the hooks or the zipper in the back of the dress, and even if I could, the dress is so tight, the zipper won't budge. Nooooooooooooo!

I text Scoots: Help! I'm trapped. I can't get out!

Scoots: You need help getting out of your dress?

Me: Come now! I'm stuck in it!

Me: Seriously! I can't fucking breathe!

Me: HURRY!!

Me: Are you coming?????????
Since she hasn't replied, I think #2 daughter is blowing me off, laughing wickedly with her evil sister at their mother's ridiculosity. I kick open the side door and roll out of the car, gasping for fresh air. In the distance, I see Scoots. Thank God, she hasn't forgotten that I gave her birth! Thank God she HAS forgotten all those times I embarrassed her in front of her friends. I fall to my knees in gratitude -- and dizziness. Despite people milling through the parking pasture, I stand in full view and turn my back to my daughter. "Do it now!"

We attract attention, but I don't care. Scoots tugs on the fabric, drags the zipper down, and finally sets me and the girls free! I smile like a big dork, slump into the back seat again, and just lay there, breathing, watching my belly swell, letting it all hang out.

A few minutes later, I emerge back at the reception in flip-flops, shorts, a nice top, and pearls. This is how I spend the rest of the reception, dancing the night away. And I don't care. Cuz I can breathe.

40 comments:

♥ Braja said...

Yeah, you know what, beauty should NOT be at the price of breath. And that little guy's face? Oh man, the attitude is priceless :)))

Sarah Lulu said...

That was hilarious!

You looked very cute in the shorts too.

I remember wearing a ball gown once and I couldn't sit down all night ...I nearly tipped over in the end!

daisyfae said...

all you needed was a pair of toe-crunching stilettos and the ensemble would have been complete!

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

Aahh...the price of beauty. So glad you chose to breathe!

DebraLSchubert said...

Breathing is highly underrated. Love the dress, btw, and understand the sacrifice. You are gorgeous and your "men" are adorable!;-)

Jazz said...

That looks much much better... I'd have done the same; I like breathing it's so much fun.

Mental P Mama said...

Oh, you are so my hero!

Julie said...

OMG, too funny. You looked amazing with your boners!!!!

foxy said...

And you still looked mahvelous, dahling!

midlife slices said...

Boners have a place at every wedding....but not in a dress. Glad you freed yourself before the girls lost consciousness and fainted dead away.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yes, the idea of not breathing any more, because I wanted to look pretty in my fancy dress, took precedence over my vanity. And once I got free of the shackles, nobody even cared! That's when I really started to have fun.

Danica said...

ROFLMAO - let me catch my breath...OMG I'm still laughing.

You did look amazing in the boners though.

Michel said...

Wow you look so pretty when you're not breathing. I should try that!

That, was hilarious! Great post!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Why can't everyone just get married in shorts and sandals? The dress is gorgeous as are you in it. BUT, lovin' the relaxed look at the dance much better.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
(the crap we women do to look good)

powdergirl said...

I LOVED this post and the one previous.

I've never been boned in quite that way, but I do love a strapless dress and understand the fine maneuverings required to get one on or off.

You're hilarious!

otin said...

I just am not going there! It is just too easy!!!!! LOL! You looked very nice, and I never would eat 2 subs, I just said that I could! HA!

diane said...

I salute you and your nonslavery (my new word) to fashion. You did look stunning in that dress though. xo

Vodka Mom said...

It is not easy being hot.


NOT easy.

Jason, as himself said...

Wait, but where are the four boners? You know I can't resist the word boners.

But I enjoyed your struggle nonetheless.

You're going to get a lot of randy people dropping by your site with a title like that!

Jason, as himself said...

"I like breathing it is so much fun."

I love that line!

LENORENEVERMORE said...

Oh my...heeheelarious!
I discovered your blog recently, enjoying your posts! Lovely weekend dear~

V2V said...

So glad I stumbled onto your blog - you're funny! Those kinds of dresses were created by the devil my dear!! Your 2nd outfit was cute too!

Jocelyn said...

On soooo many levels, you are my woman. Suffice it to say, I, too, have done a mid-wedding change that resulted in my having a much better time on the dance floor.

You looked TERRIF, btw.

introspection said...

I am over from David's POTD. Congratulations for your nomination to it.
Your post is hilarious. I love the post, I love your dress, I love the picture in shorts, I love ALL the comments here, each one of them is wonderful. "I love breathing" is my fav. I am feeling really light and happy with life after reading all this. So glad I came here, thanks to David. Cheers!

Moannie said...

Many thanks to David at authorblog for pointing us in your direction.
This was an hilarious post and haven't we all been there and done that.

So glad that I am now of an age when I can happily let everything hang.

JamaGenie said...

Over from David's authorblog. Why do we torture ourselves like that in the name of "beauty". If you *ever* wear a dress like that again - can't imagine you would, but just in case - have the good sense to have scissors handy! (btw, by mother once changed out of her just-come-from-church clothes at a picnic and the windows of the car weren't blacked out. Mooned an entire group chowing down on fried chicken...)

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on POTD Fragrant!!!

only a movie said...

What a great story. That top is so cute and a great color. :-)
Congrats on POTD.

creative kerfuffle said...

hilarious! i kept thinking of scarlet o'hara telling mammy to lace it tighter, tighter as she held on to the bed post. wtf? so glad you broke free and had a good time---breathing and all.
and also? i'm sure it was no easy feat to walk through a field in high heels--you get extra marks for that one too!

gaelikaa said...

We have to suffer for our beauty sometimes, doncherknow!

Brian Miller said...

lol. thanks for the laughs this morning...congrats on the POTD mention...

Rudee said...

Hysterical. I'm glad you were finally able to free the confines of the corset. they really should be outlawed.

Cheffie-Mom said...

Congrats on the Post of the Day Award!

Kay said...

More 'fitting' for the scene anyway! Congrats on the potd...look forward to reading more.

Elizabeth Bradley said...

Ha! Glad I dropped by, I needed a good laff.

congrats on POTD

ellen abbott said...

Hello fellow Texan. Congrats on your POTD mention.

Next time though, I'd think about wearing a different dress. Oh, and, if I ever wore a corset (not that I can imagine doing that even in my wildest dreams) I'd be doing the same, tinted windows or not.

AirmanMom said...

Congrats on the well deserved POTD!
You looked great in the photo; hair is gorgeous and the dress was lovely.
I'm back from vacation...looks as though I have some blog reading catching up to do!
~AM

Kathleen said...

True confession time: The last wedding I went to I donned a body slimmer. I made it through the wedding then ripped the damn thing off in the car in an underground parking lot. I looked like s--t but I stopped feeling like I was in the grips of a boa constrictor. Thank you from sparing me a similar experience with boners!

OMG, I made my husband read this one out loud. Be could barely catch our breath laughing so hard!

Congratulations on POTD!

Nancy said...

This made me LOL! OMG I can just imagine how that dress must of hurt.!

Lola said...

I'm here via authorblog, and I'm glad I came. Judging from the laughs and your gripping prose, I have a feeling I will be hanging around here often.

Personally, I think those corsets are not only designed by sadist top models, but totally useless. The bulges are uncontrollable, and end up slipping out in the most fastidious places. especially the long panty-kind. I mean what's sexier, a bulging tummy, or a set of sausage legs? Or being able to breathe...

The dancing outfit was perfect, as your 3 boys, superb.

Ciao,
Lola