October 28, 2009

Spanxed!

I needed an undergarment for my new sweater dress which hugs my curves a little too well. However, it was Sunday night when I decided this, and in Marshall’s all I could find was Spanx.

First off, this “shaper” on the hanger looks like a body bandage for a two-year-old, though the tag said it was LARGE. It fits me from boobage to mid thighs. I did look stylin’ in my sweater dress, and I wore the ensemble, including black bootery, all day. However, a lot of tugging occurred, as my Lycra contraption rolled up from the bottom and down from the top. I gave in by early afternoon and let the girls free, since they have little tolerance for compression at a hundred-thousand pounds per cup. And may I say, an elastic band under the boobcage gives you a real appreciation for rodeo broncs, all cinched up while they buck around the arena. Still, I survived my discomfort for the sake of looking HAWT.

Later that evening, in my closet, I tried to take off the Spanx. You might think:  "easy peasy." But you would be wrong. Perhaps it was the route I took. The over-the-head route. I had grabbed the hem and pulled it all the way up, over my head, at which point I realized, with my arms pinned across my chest, elbows akimbo, and Lycra stretched as taut as a Bay Bridge cable, I had effectively strait-jacketed myself. That's because wearing Spanx is like stuffing yourself into an elf’s condom. Unless you can shrivel up on demand, you're a captive little fucker.

So I stumbled around my closet, in a wrestling match with my Spanx, and gave myself a full nelson. Extremely disoriented, I tripped over my boots and flailed around on the floor. I paused in my hapless exertion to enjoy a moment of debilitating terror, wherein I imagined I might die and no one would find me till the next day when my putrefying scent would overpower the catbox. That, or being so tightly encased, if the thing hardened, I might actually emerge with wings and a penchant for light bulbs.

Fifteen minutes later, I managed a Houdini-esque escape by dislocating both shoulders and using my rabid spittle as a lube. I staggered to the shower, exhausted, out of breath, my hair electrified, and I stood under the water in a dazelike Goldie Hawn in Overboard after her nightmare with a chainsaw. Buh, buh, buh, buh.

Tragically, my cat Matilda saw the whole thing. Next morning, she hunkered down and growled as I waved the spanx in her face in an effort to desensitize her. When I left her, she was mumbling incoherently about throwing herself in front of a car.

Heed my warnings, people. Spanx should be worn at your own risk. I’m in recovery now, wearing slacks too sizes too big and a bulky sweater that leaves me shapeless. Ramping up for:  Spanx vs. Me, Round 2.
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47 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

"stuffing yourself into an elf’s condom"

That's the best description I've ever read.

Try Assets from Target. :-D

Debbie said...

That stuff is evil. Run away from the spanx. And toward the cheesecake:)

Kristina P. said...

I have a pair of Spanx-like briefs that I wear with certain dresses and my dress pants. They are awesome.

slacker-chick said...

OMG! Why did I read this before I wrote my post today? Can't top this one - uh uh - maybe I'll just link to you instead! ;->

darsden said...

OMGoodness Hilarious!

Secretia said...

When I first read you, I thought you wrote "hootery", but it was "bootery", you had me laughing!

Good story!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I love my spanx. Of course, I have to start putting them on about 3 days before I actually need to wear them.

The Peach Tart said...

I love the way Spanx works to slim you but they are always hell to get on or out of.

Candice said...

Never, EVER put this stuff on if you just put body lotion on. It's next to impossible.

Gaelyn said...

ROFLMAO!!!! There should be a video. What us women won't go thru to look HAWT.

Snappy Di said...

Why for the love of lycra would you attempt to take it off over your head? Haven't I taught you anything? LOL

Di

Oh My Goddess said...

Now that is funny.
xo

IB said...

Yet another reason, I'm grateful I'm a dude and not a chick. Hilarious description of the battle.

smiles4u said...

LOL!! You describe this experience so well that I could picture all of this quite well...lol. Can you imagine injuring yourself while doing this and having to explain that to the docotr in the ER?! Beter yet, can you imagine if a person was trying to take it off while totally intoxicated?! Thanks for a nice laugh for the end of my day!

Pastor Sharon said...

I am laughing uncontrollably because it was only a few months back that I experienced that same wrestling match with a Spanx in a dressing room.

By the time I was freed, I was climbing over the top of the door, to a gaping audience who thought I had a man in the dressing room with me.

I guess with the panting and moaning they thought I was experiencing a wild moment of sex. However, it was just me and the spanx . . . wrestling til I thought I was gonna die!

This was well written!

otin said...

If an ape wore that would you call it "Spanxing the Monkey"? LOL!

blognut said...

That is absolutely hysterical.

This is why I refuse to wear industrial-strength undergarments of any sort.

rxBambi said...

You know that annoying person that laughs out loud at her laptop? That's me. Too effin funny! I'm glad you escaped!

daisyfae said...

spanx rockz.... while i haven't straightjacketed myself in mine, it certainly raises the possibility of it being a multi-purpose item. i mean, you could incapacitate AND blindfold a man in that li'l ol' thing... hmmm...

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh, Fragrant Liar. Perfect post!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

The elf condom still has me giggling.

Chris H said...

Very funny.. had real visions of your struggle!

Gillian said...

love it. will have to get me an elf condom

mo.stoneskin said...

Despite considerable attempts and numerous battle plans I have not yet managed to get inside an elf's condom. Perhaps I need to lose some weight.

Alix said...

"I gave myself a full nelson" Hilarious!

But only because I have also gone a few rounds with such contraptions and realize how easily you can get in trouble with them.

Moannie said...

So funny. Sadly me in a spanx would be like putting one on an eclair...splunging [good word eH?]out at both ends.

U R U! said...

the visual is just hilarious.

I know I have had a fight with a sweater on occasion that sounds quite similar but without the constriction...I suppose that is what it would be like to be squeezed by a Boa ..lovely.

Gaston Studio said...

Your apt description is EXACTLY how I envisioned wearing spanx to be like... so I'm staying as far away from that stuff as I possibly can and... sigh... guess I'll just have to go on the dreaded diet.

Kensi said...

I must admit, I was prepared for a post that would let us all know of the benefits of spanx.

I've been there. It's no fun...this was hilarious!

foxy said...

There's something to be said for a good sucker-inner, but that doesn't make them any easier to get on or off. They are a necessary evil with some outfits.

Divine Chaos said...

It's an awful feeling to be trapped by your clothes. I've pondered walking over to the neighbor's for help a couple times when I thought I wasn't going to get loose.

elf condom has got to be my favorite line lol

morethananelectrician said...

Why is everyone missing the real issue here...

A sweater dress?

powdergirl said...

Wow, never tried spanx.

I will use this hilarious post as a cautionary tale, no spanx for me.

I think if mr Fine bought em, he should have to try them on. With hand cuffs!

Nah, that'd just be off putting...

Amy said...

I used to read all of those articles where celebrities raved about Spanx and how they wouldn't DARE attend a red carpet event without them on. Soooo...being the vain little lamb that I am, I went and purchase a couple of different styles. They are the most hellish garments on the planet. Suddenly the simple act of taking a tinkle turned me into an unwilling contortionist. And the tugging...oh, the tugging. The Spanks that are from the waist to mid thigh are horrific. The elastic ban wants to burrow down and get cozy UNDER my muffin top. I've resorted to just buying tops that are slightly blousy in the waist (to use the term loosely) area and long enough to not ride up over my jeans. Damn it. Being over 40 really blows.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"I gave myself a full nelson."
-- Bwa-HAHAHA!!!!

I started reading this, thinking, oooh, I don't have one a those. I gotta git me one a those. And then I read the rest of your story. And yeah, I don't get these stupid girdle things that wind up rolling out of their areas, where they are supposed to be working. I mean, they look like they are working on the skinny models in the still pictures, so why do I have such problems with them?

Ambiance in the Attic said...

I used to work at a plus size lady's clothes store. We sold spanx. It was hopeless! LOL

bernthis said...

i can't even wear pantyhose or a turtleneck. I'd have had a breakdown in that thing

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I so relate to dislocating body limbs while trying to remove the evil garment of clothing.

I had to laugh though. Your poor kitty will never be the same!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Spanx is woman's best friend...........and worst enemy.

Brian Miller said...

i hope i am laughing with you...lol. congrats on the OMG award!

Fragrant Liar said...

To all the elves out there . . .

My apologies if you were offended by my condom jokes. I realize it was small-minded, but it could be worse. You could be Thumbelino. Think how HE feels!

Oh. Apologies, Thumbelino.

Beth said...

Hilarious! I love Spanx - though I haven't tried the dress contraption. It sounds like a workout I may need to try.

Can't wait to hear about Round 2. I'm pulling for you, by the way.

♥ Braja said...

Well...I have to say....screw that!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Oh, my God, this is the funniest thing I've read EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR.

cannwin said...

I had a prego incident like this where I slipped into my
old faithful and it didn't fit very well so I sighed and tried to take it off.

I pulled over my head, since it's a dress and all, and got it stuck half way up my elbows... arms pinned to my sides and head completely lost. (If you can imagine an 8 month pregnant woman flailing around with an article of clothing around her head and a belly hanging out the bottom then you've described that moment).

I hollered for my husband and he came in to help but in the process clipped my toe with those dang cowboy boots he insists on wearing to church and tore my nail 90% of the way off my big toe.

So there I was, still pinned into my dress bouncing on one leg and screeching about pain and shoes. (toothpick with a donut-hole on top)

It was a very unfeminine moment. You can almost say birthing children is feminine but getting pinned into a dress because you've deluded yourself into thinking you aren't as big as a whale is VERY unfeminine.

Hmm, I think that's a good blog for next week... ;)

Margo said...

this is freaking hysterical... perfect description of the spanx experience. I'm enjoying the empire waistline while it's in fashion and keeping them torture devices in the bottom drawer this holiday season :)

Robin said...

This, girlfriend, is priceless.
You are so much more brave than I.
Just the word 'spanx' is akin to scotch, and that word makes me throw up a little in the back of my throat. (So does lemoncello. Say it and watch... see, I gagged.)

I've seen the likes of Oprah praise her spanx, but I don't much like her so I don't listen....

Hope Matilda is ok now...