November 29, 2009

Good God, Quit Tempting Me!

I'm not Rachel Ray. The kitchen and I have never been what you might call symbiotic. Still, my kids never starved. Au contraire, because of my short-order skills, they knew restaurant etiquette before they could crawl. Since the kids have grown up and perfected their cooking chops, my skills have simmered to a fine fragrant reduction. Add 3 cups couldn't care less, 2 cups clueless, and one entire carton of cooktard. Throw all that into a 60" baked dish, infused with a little holiday zest, and you get one saucy piehole I like to call ME.

While I didn't inherit the Great Cooks in America gene, I did acquire the Shovel-it-all-in gene, and that makes it particularly hard when it comes to the holidays—which, if you didn't know, is designed solely to make big fat gobblers out of us all. I hesitate to pooh-pooh our Thanksgiving food fest and the whole reason we celebrate it (which is--um, why?), but is there nothing more diet friendly than the celery tray? Between turkey and potatoes smothered in gravy, marshmallows, jellies, breads and rolls, all manner of casseroles, and incredibly edible pies, all your weight loss and maintenance efforts are shot from here to Memorial Day. Who's in charge of this conspiracy?

This T-Day, I called on my dormant inner chef for a healthy alternative. I made our dinner's single diet friendly concoction of green beans almondine, which I scarfed up along with at least one helping of everything else within reach. And I mean everything. My lack of willpower is exceeded only by my disdain for it (That, and my penchant for pies--and the Swiss Alps of whipped cream).

But enough is enough. World, I am on a mission to eat healthy for the next three weeks—until Christmas. I know that's as realistic as Santa dropping a Lexus LS down my chimney (I mean, since I don't have a chimney); but I don't want to feel like a stuck Christmas pig when I hit the holiday parties in my sexy yuletide frock. I don't want my New Year's resolution to be once again "I vow to lose excess baggage in the winter months even though it's fucking cold, and I don't want to take my clothes off, especially to get into workout gear, which is my least favorite outfit, when I'd rather be cuddled up by the fire (if I had one) with a good book and a handsome man."

My will has been shaky in November, but I hereby resolve that you people will not be able to tempt me with candied trail mix, honey-roasted nuts, warm chewy cookies, decadent fudge, toffee Florentines, pumpkin lattes, or any other wicked seasonal confection.

Seriously, you turkeys, give a girl a break!
.

38 comments:

Stepping said...

You made my mouth water just describing all that food. Tis the season for temptations!

daisyfae said...

i made a lowfat broccoli casserole as my contribution. then ate like porky when all the goods were laid out at my face...

"cooktard". that's me. in fact, your entire first paragraph (which cracked me up) describes me. we are sisters...

Kristina P. said...

I am with you! I was looking at pictures from about the time I got married, 6 years ago, and I want to lose the 20 pounds I put on since!

This is going to be tough.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I have never ... NEVER ... consumed as much food as I have these last four days. I'm going to pop any second now! Ugh ... I feel gross. (Save me from myself?)

suziart said...

You are so damn funny! I am not a chef myself, but in my Italian background live to be.... and rely on the goodness of other kind souls ...Gawd help me if I ever inherit a family!!!
XoXo,
SuZi

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That was a great post, and damn I've been away too long!! I am on your same resolution...starting tomorrow...

Snappy Di said...

Somebody stick a fork in me please... I think I'm done now.

Di

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

God, I do love to eat...

Good luck to you.

smiles4u said...

I pretty much said this exact same thing to my husband today. Seriously, this really sucks.

Jason, as himself said...

Glad to see that you will be completely loyal to your diet!

Most people are during the holidays, right?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Good Luck! But not like you're having a problem with weight.

I made roasted vegetables for the dinner. Brought most of them home. Made veggie soup.

Enjoyed the Lexus line.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Amen sister!!!

Stacy said...

Cooktard? LMAO. I loved it..loved loved loved it.

Good luck with the no eating! No, really. GOOD LUCK!

mo.stoneskin said...

Dear Santa,

Please can I have a Lexus this year, I've been extremely good,

Love Mo

Farmers Wife said...

I was going to start a diet, but thought I'd give myself another 4 weeks of pigging out on food then start fresh on January 1st. That's the plan anyway.

I recently watched Julie and Julia and besides making me realise what a suck up cook I really am, it made me want to be a better cook and try out new recipes and stop being so lazy in the kitchen. I'll start that on January 1st as well!

creative kerfuffle said...

if i hated eating as much as i hate cooking i would be a size four. unfortunately i am not. good luck w/ the healthy 3 weeks ; )

T said...

See here's my problem - I LOVE, love to cook (and if I might say - damn good at it) and I love to eat.

Deadly combos to my waist line.

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas (the pies, the rumballs, the prime rib and roasts) are just one big food mine field!

The Peach Tart said...

Oh lord girl I need a 3 week break too.

Gaston Studio said...

Like you, I didn't inherit the great cook gene, but that doesn't stop me from scarfing everything indulgent (read, cakes, pies, rolls) in sight. *sigh*
I'm just going to live with it until 2010. Good luck to you though, and rest assured, I won't be tempting you with lucious recipes 'cuz I don't have any!

Jazz said...

Good luck with that. If you manage it, let me know how it can be done.

Secretia said...

I am going to copy you on the food control and exercise. The turkey wasn't the only big fat gobbler at the table!

Secretia

midlife slices said...

I made the same rant and vow this morning and for the next 3....uhm....days I hope i can stick to the healthy stuff. Baby steps, right?

Suzy said...

Maybe you could pig out now and give up eating for Lent? I think that's in the spring.

You'll be thin and/or dead.

Anonymous said...

I'm working on a cerebral approach: focusing on 'healthy' thoughts and mental weight control ... mmm, warm, chewy cookies ... must concentrate on psychic calorie reduction ... mmm, pie ...

Gillian said...

Why does everyone feel the same way this time of year? Everyone is over-eating, over-boozing, over-partying and please don't feel bad we all look like over-stuffed pork sausages in our yuletide frocks.

Unless of course you have the stomach to become a bulemic

TechnoBabe said...

This year our Thanksgiving dinner was minimal and we stuck to the small plate and one fill up. We weren't laying around groaning later and we didn't feel sick from overeating, we just ate a simple meal of fried chicken wings (3 each) potatoes and some beans. No bread and no dessert. It was amazing how much better it was not feeling so yucky on a holiday. I like your idea and I am getting more exercise between now and Christmas.
Thanks for the incentive!!

only a movie said...

I'm with you. Trying my best to eat decent foods for the next three weeks. Really didn't help that someone brought chocolate chip cheesecake to work today...

The Mother said...

Good luck with that. The holidays are hard. There's always some party or get-together or something to ruin your diet.

And if you figure out how to avoid it, you need to share with us.

Bella said...

I had to laugh all the way through this post, and I didn't eat a single thang! Love your sense of humor about it. I'm with you, who wants to shed jammies for workout gear! hell noooooo!

Bernie said...

Roasted veggies were your friend's contribution to Thanksgiving dinner whereever they went? I told you you had better watch the company you keep.!! Amd she used to be such a good cook.

I really don't like sweets much so do not have such a problem with that, but mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing==Yeahhhhh

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

God, now I'm really hungry. Good luck in your quest to eat healthy!

rxBambi said...

I'm usually good all day long (exercise and everything) but then I blow it at night between dinner and wine (of course). I refuse to give up my wine, which is why my tummy refuses to go away. Damn it.

But hey, I'm with ya. I have 15 days until hubby's boss' christmas party. I'd like to be as hot as his wife.

Together We Save said...

Eat healthy?... it's the holidays. Good luck.

Jocelyn said...

Don't make me send you molasses cookies, just to test this resolve.

I'm with you--after gaining three pounds since 5 p.m. today, I've decided I need to scale back (I SO PUNNY!) at least until the next go 'round.

Fat chance.

AirmanMom said...

I feel as though I gained 2 pounds reading this post! Good thing there is no such thing as an aromasphere...it would be real trouble!
~AM

carma said...

Your "cooking" sounds eerily like my version of "cooking" ;-)

♥ Braja said...

Wait...was there some kinda holiday?

Breathe said...

You are doomed. I just made 5,000 cookies and you are getting some.

Give it up, baby.